


Contractually Bound

by LyricalKris



Category: Twilight Series - Stephenie Meyer
Genre: Drama, F/M, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-04-12
Updated: 2013-07-23
Packaged: 2017-12-08 06:36:25
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 23
Words: 77,755
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/758222
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LyricalKris/pseuds/LyricalKris
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>She'd cost him everyone he'd ever loved. Surely a few months of marriage wasn't too high a price for her to pay in compensation. Continued from the collaboration with GinnyW 31 and sshg316. Edward/Bella. AH.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**READ THIS BEFORE YOU REPORT ME. Lol. This story was conceived and partially written by GinnyW 31 and sshg316. I'm posting it to my account WITH PERMISSION because I will be finishing the story for them.**

* * *

**A/N:**  This story is a collaboration between GinnyW 31 and Shug (sshg316), and was written for  **curious88**  who won it in the Fandom Gives Back auction last November. Yes, Gin & I both fail. We're so sorry that it took us so long! But we're getting to it now! The story is outlined and plotted out to be 11 chapters, but… we both have a habit of going over. We'll see what we can do here. Thanks to twitina for looking things over.

 **Disclaimer:**  The characters are the property of Stephenie Meyer. The rest is ours.

**Contractually Bound: Chapter 1**

"Order up!"

Bella Swan wiped her brow with the sleeve of one arm, her face flushed with the heat of the kitchen. She smiled as the waitress approached the pass-through, a new ticket in hand.

"Hope you have enough food back there, Bella," Jessica said, rolling her eyes. "Emmett McCarty just ordered half the menu."

"I heard that!" came the boisterous reply from the diner's corner booth, loud enough to carry over the normal chatter.

Jessica handed the ticket to Bella before loading the waiting order onto her tray. "I swear, he should give  _you_  the tip, ordering that much food."

"I heard that, too!"

"Oh, shut up!" Jessica called back with a grin, her ponytail whipping over her shoulder as she walked off to serve table two.

Bella chuckled as she began to prepare the next order, then laughed again when she noticed that Jessica hadn't been overly exaggerating. Emmett had ordered enough food for five people.

She got to work, shifting her stance in hopes of relieving her aching feet. It had been a long day, and after the dinner rush, she could go home. A nice hot bath sounded good right about then.

Humming to the radio while she cooked, she smiled as she glanced out at the busy dining area, filled with people she'd known most of her life. There had been a time when she'd thought she couldn't get out of the tiny town of Forks fast enough. She'd had dreams and goals, she mused as she cracked an egg into a bowl. Yet here she was, still in the same place, doing the same job she had in high school.

She beat the egg with a fork and sighed. For too many years now she'd been letting life pass her by, but that was about to end. She was going to do something with her life—something she should have done years ago.

A shout of laughter came from the dining area, and Bella glanced through the pass-through to see Jessica once again teasing Emmett, his wife Rosalie adding her two cents worth, as well.

Bella shook her head and chuckled as she hit the bell and shouted, "Order up!" It might not have been her life's ambition to work in a small town diner, but at least it was usually entertaining.

Bella called out a goodbye before leaving for the evening. The door clanged shut as she stretched, then wearily climbed the steps behind the building to her apartment above the diner. She was worn out by the long shift and couldn't wait to change out of her greasy clothes, take a long, hot shower, and then lounge around in her comfy pajamas for the rest of the night.

~o0o~

She entered her apartment, tossing her keys on to the pressboard bookshelf. The place was small, but it suited her needs. The tiny living area didn't get much light, thanks to the small windows, but she wasn't often home during the day, so it was okay. The only furniture was the sofa she'd picked up at Good Will, the bookshelf, and, shoved into one corner, a small table with two chairs that she used as a dining area. There was a narrow galley kitchen, a small three-quarters bathroom, and that was about it. No bedroom—the sofa was a pull-out. It wasn't much, but it was clean… if one could overlook the thin veil of grease that seemed to linger no matter how much she scrubbed, the result of living over a diner.

Bella sighed. All right, so the apartment was dark and dingy, but when she'd moved out of Charlie's, determined to stand on her own two feet, it had been all she could afford. Maybe, if her financial aid came through, she could get a better place in the fall. At her age, she'd prefer an apartment to the dorms, but then, even a dorm room would be better than her current place.

Excitement skittered down her spine as she thought of what the coming months held for her. It had taken her so long to work up the courage to send off her application to the University of Washington. It was a public state school, so there really hadn't been a concern that she wouldn't get in, but she'd still been a wreck. It had been a daily struggle not to think about the last time she'd waited to hear from an admissions office, but she'd managed to set aside the painful memories. Finally, after weeks of nervous anticipation, the letter granting her acceptance to U-Dub had arrived the previous afternoon.

Her life was about to change. And for once, it would be for the better.

Maybe, she thought as she grabbed a bottle of water from the fridge, just maybe she could get her life back on track. She'd made some terrible mistakes—her heart still squeezed at the thought of her biggest regret—but that was all in the past. She would never forget, but she could overcome. It was time she moved on and gave herself a chance at a new life.

She set down the bottle of water on the counter and took two steps toward the bathroom when there was a knock at the door.

Bella frowned, wondering who would be stopping by her apartment—no one ever had before. Well, except for Charlie, and he was working. She hesitated as the knock sounded again, now more persistent, but then went to the door.

"Who is it?" she asked. Her dad was a cop—there was no way she was opening that door without knowing who was on the other side, even in Forks.

There was a pause, and then she froze as a voice she'd never thought she'd hear again drifted through the door.

"It's Edward. Edward Cullen."

~o0o~

He'd been sitting in the side parking lot of the diner for nearly two hours, catching stares from more than one patron as he anxiously tapped his fingers against the steering wheel. He had a perfect view from where he sat, he could see several of the tables, the long bar from where he was parked. Most importantly, however, was the fact that he could see the small woman who was standing in the kitchen, her brown hair pulled back in a ponytail, wearing a navy blue apron and armed with a spatula. More than once he contemplated going inside the small restaurant, but this wasn't a social call; there was nothing pleasant about the meeting he had planned. Edward hadn't asked anyone outright where he could find Bella or what she was doing, but in the time since he'd moved back to the West Coast just over a month ago, he'd quietly listened when Renee had flown in just over three weeks ago to visit with Esme and had given updates on Bella.

Edward had been both shocked and angry when he'd discovered that Bella was working as a short order cook at the diner in Forks. She'd had the opportunity to do something with herself, and instead she was wasting her life and her potential in this godforsaken town. Yes, he'd been angry when he heard about it, but now, sitting in his car as he watched her in the kitchen, serving up greasy food and laughing while she spoke with those around her, he became furious.

She had absolutely no right to be happy.

Shortly after seven, the light in the back of the restaurant turned on, and he watched as the backdoor opened. She'd removed her apron and was simply dressed in a red t-shirt and jeans. Edward's knuckles turned white as he gripped the steering wheel when he noticed a thin sliver of skin that became visible—even from his vantage point—as she took a lifted her arms above her head, arched her back, and stretched.

It took several minutes for him to calm himself enough before he exited his car. He let his annoyance and anger lead him, clutching onto both as if they were his only lifeline, as he walked up the steps she'd just trudged.

Standing outside the dark wood door, he glanced one last time at the papers clutched tightly in his left hand. He should've carried them in a briefcase. Edward Cullen always used a briefcase; it gave him power. Image was everything in his world, and he knew that the simple sound of the clicks as he first opened and would later close his briefcase would have intimidated far more than the words he'd rehearsed in his head hundreds of times over the last few days.

_Click, click._

His hand squeezed even tighter around the documents, crumpling them slightly, as he considered his own stupidity for allowing himself to become so caught up in his feelings that he'd failed to separate his professional mind from the typically repressed emotional one. He'd hoped that he would be able to control himself around her. It had been eight years, and apparently she still had a hold on him that rivaled no other. It seemed that when dealing with Bella Swan he still had a habit of losing his senses and doing stupid things. The small piece of metal residing in his pocket had always been his proof of that.

God, he hated her.

Just that single thought alone fueled the anger that had slowly been ebbing away as he'd stood outside her door. He couldn't afford to allow anything to interfere in his mission.

With one more breath and a newly firmed resolve, Edward raised his hand and knocked on her door.

~o0o~

He paced back and forth across the small living room floor, four steps from the coffee table to the bookcase and back again. He alternated between running his hands through his hair and pinching the bridge of his nose, both clear signs of irritation and frustration. Standing in the middle of her living room after so many years had passed was truly the last thing he wanted to be doing. Until a month ago, it was the last thing he'd ever expected to be doing. He hadn't wanted to see her again. He hadn't wanted to return to Forks. And he sure as hell hadn't wanted to be presenting her with this proposition.

Well, at least he was framing it as a proposition. Although he wouldn't have been surprised if she referred to it as coercion and manipulation. Edward Cullen knew exactly what he was doing.

The rustle of paper drew his attention back to the woman sitting at the kitchen table. An elbow on the table, her hand on her forehead, she pored over the pages in an effort to try to understand all of the legalities… all of his demands. It was obvious to Edward that she was worried he was trying to take advantage of her.

"You have got to be joking," Bella said as she flipped another page of the contract, shaking her head as she continued to read.

"Which part?" he asked, stepping over to the table. He placed his palms on the wood surface before quickly removing them and wiping them off, grimacing the entire time.

She flicked a glance in his direction. "All of it," she said, her tone incredulous. "You don't honestly think that anyone will believe this."

Edward eyed her levelly. "Why not? We all believed you before—or have you forgotten?"

He took great pleasure in the look of shock that crossed her features, but all too soon she regained her composure and moved her eyes back to the document in her hands, saying nothing.

Stepping back from the table, Edward renewed his pacing. This time, however, his eyes took in the postage stamp-sized apartment. The living area had about the same square footage as his first college dorm room. There were two small windows, each about the size of a pizza box, with heavy drapes blocking out most of the light. The once white ceiling had several large yellow stains where water had obviously leaked down from the roof, and though clean, the entire place smelled and even felt like grease from the diner just below. She should be thanking him for taking her out of this hell hole. Then again, he thought as he noted her ragged appearance, she looked as hellish as her apartment.

For just the briefest moment, he began to wonder what had happened to her. This was not the same girl he'd known all those years ago. The Bella he'd known never would have done this to herself. She would have never wasted her life by hiding out in the same small town she'd sworn she hated as she was growing up. She wouldn't have dropped out of college—community college at that—to work at a diner. Hell, the Bella he'd known had dreams of attending university, of marriage and children and...

Edward looked around the small, desolate, depressing room again and shuddered—she'd had dreams. Closing his eyes and pinching the bridge of his nose, Edward reminded himself he didn't care.

More rustling from the direction of the table and he turned his attention back to  _her_. He watched as she grabbed the well-chewed pen that had been sitting on the table and signed her name in that horribly messy script that he'd loved to tease her about when they were growing up.

She'd signed it.

Satisfaction coursed through him, and he breathed a sigh of relief before taking the few steps, leaning over, and swiping the contract into his hands. Reaching into his pocket, he pulled out the final, most important part of his plan. Edward couldn't even bring himself to look at it again.

The ring made a quiet ding as it hit the table and bounced slightly in front of her.

She eyed the offensive piece of jewelry warily, completely unaware of the true symbolism behind it. He sneered as Bella couldn't even bring herself to pick it up to examine it more closely. Edward was well aware that having a ring practically thrown at her with complete disregard for her thoughts or feelings wasn't the average girl's romantic fantasy, but hadn't he always told her time and time again that she was anything but average? The sentiment sickened him now, but served to convince him that she was getting nothing less than she deserved

"What do we tell them?" she asked quietly.

"In two weeks' time, I'll take you on a quiet picnic lunch and tell you how, now that we've reconnected, I could never let you go." Edward found he had to swallow down bile as he spouted off his carefully planned lie.

"Why are you giving this to me now?"

He leaned forward, his hands again resting on the sticky table, but he tried to ignore it. This was important, and he wanted to make certain that he was very clear. He waited until Bella raised her eyes from the small gold band to meet his gaze before he spoke. "Because I don't want to confuse the lines, Bella. This is an arrangement—a contract—nothing more. This is a small town and we will have to be seen in public for this to be believable, not to mention family dinners and so on, but I want to make it clear—" he leaned even closer to her and brought up his right hand to grip her chin "—you mean absolutely nothing to me."

Dropping his hand and standing back up, he walked to the door. With his head down, he reached out to turn the knob and said, "I will be here Sunday at three to take you to the house."

He didn't wait for an answer before he yanked the door open and then slammed it shut behind him. He couldn't get out of there fast enough.

~o0o~

Bella remained at the kitchen table for hours, the ring sitting in front of her, as if it would burn if she dared to touch it. She'd been completely unprepared to see him again, had hoped she never would. Now he was back, just as she had begun to take control of her life, and he was going to ruin everything. The optimism she'd felt earlier in the evening was now gone, leaving her feeling more desolate than she ever had before. Of all the times for him to reenter her life, he had to pick  _now_ ….

Ruthlessly, she shoved her selfish thoughts aside, remembering that there were more important things to consider than how her life would be affected. It didn't matter— _she_  didn't matter. She'd only agreed to Edward's plan for one reason, and one reason only: Esme. Tears filled her eyes as she thought of the woman who had once been like a second mother, but she refused to allow them to fall. She did not deserve the release crying would bring.

She'd brought all of this on herself. He'd been so angry, so hard. So different from the boy she'd once known. The guilt that had gnawed at her for eight years returned with a vengeance. Meeting his demands—especially given the circumstances—was the least that she could do. And maybe, just maybe, she could somehow make amends for all the pain she'd caused.

With aching slowness, she reached for the ring, her hand only moving a few centimeters at a time. Carefully grasping it with trembling fingers, she admired the diamond solitaire with a detached eye. The stone was a single cushioned cut diamond; if she had to guess, she'd say it was no more than half a carat. Not overly large, but big enough that it could be easily seen. The band was white gold with a delicate vine pattern etched all the way around. She ran her fingers along the circumference, her mouth slightly curving into a small smile at the fine detail. Her breath caught, however, as her thumb slipped through the band and she felt what could only be engraving on the inside. She swallowed hard, and her hands shook as she tilted the ring to look inside.

 _Forever & Always_.

The dam holding back her emotions finally burst, and the magnitude of what she had done washed over her. This time, she was unable to hold back the tears.

* * *

**Kris's Note: So, I will be reposting the first three chapters (which you can also find on Ginny and Shug's accounts) once a day. When I begin updating the story, I don't have an update schedule, but y'all know me. I'm fairly dependable. :)**

 

 


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Kris's Note: Thank you everyone for your kind words and encouragement! I hope you won't be disappointed.
> 
> Once again, this is chapter 2/3 originally written by Ginny and Shug. I haven't touched it.
> 
> A/N: This story is a collaboration between GinnyW 31 and Shug (sshg316), and was written for curious88 who won it in the Fandom Gives Back auction last November. Thanks to twitina for looking things over.
> 
> Disclaimer: The characters are the property of Stephenie Meyer. The rest is ours.

Bella sat at her small dining table, reading over the housing forms for U-Dub while waiting for Edward. Her mind, however, was whirling with the ramifications of the so-called contract she'd signed. From what she could recall, it had stated six months or…. Damn it. She couldn't remember the exact wording. She would have to ask Edward for a copy of that contract. For now, she would just go by the six months, which meant the fall semester would have already started by the time their "marriage" ended.

The pen in her hand hovered over the housing forms. She would be living with Edward until October—she shuddered at the thought—so she wasn't sure if student housing was her best option. She could commute for the first month or so, and then when everything ended—she refused to think about what  _that_  meant—she could move into a small studio near campus. On the other hand, she wasn't sure her old truck would be able to make that kind of commute for a month. She could always block her classes to only two or three days a week, maybe find somewhere cheap to stay for those few days... or maybe there were some on-line or distance learning options, so she'd only have to show up on campus a few times during the semester; she would only be taking introductory courses to begin with, anyway. Then there was her financial aid to consider. She didn't know if she would still be eligible for the grants and loans she'd received, given that her income was about take a giant leap upward. But the divorce would cancel that out, albeit not in time for the fall semester. From what she was able to work out, there was a strong possibility she would have to sit out the first semester and start in the spring instead—maybe.

After several minutes of useless suppositions, she realized she had no idea what to do. Everything was such a mess. This marriage thing was going to throw a wrench into all her plans. Of course, even though she'd signed the contract, it wasn't truly binding—not yet. There was still time to back out if she changed her mind. Maybe—maybe her mother and Edward had been exaggerating and things weren't as dire as they believed. She could hope, anyway. For both Esme  _and_  herself.

Shaking her head, Bella decided the best course of action was to talk to someone in the admissions office. Knowing there was no time for that at the moment, she tossed the papers onto the table where they joined the fall semester's course catalog. Bella glanced at the clock, despite already knowing that Edward was about to arrive.

Her fingers twisted together in her lap, then toyed with the skirt of the dress she'd chosen to wear. Usually she stuck to jeans and t-shirts, but a dress had seemed more appropriate for the day's events. The knot of guilt in her stomach tightened, and she took a deep breath, hoping to calm her nerves and praying that she was better prepared to see him than she had been earlier in the week—that she was prepared to see his parents. To see Esme.

Filled with nervous energy, she stood and paced the small apartment. Somehow, she ended up in front of the bookshelf, her fingers reaching for her two prized first editions— _Pride and Prejudice_  and  _Wuthering Heights_. She hadn't touched either book since she'd placed them on the shelf when she moved in, hadn't opened the covers for years. Too painful, too many memories. She slid the Austen a little to the left, her heart pounding as she removed the photograph carefully hidden between the two books.

The Cullen family smiled up at her, eighteen-year-old Edward in his canary yellow graduation robes, his arm flung around seventeen-year-old Bella's shoulders, tucking her close to his side. Esme, Carlisle, and Alice were gathered around them, Alice clinging to her big brother's free hand. She brushed her fingers over the picture, almost hoping she could catch the love, happiness, and optimism she could see encompassing all of them and hold on to it.

As she studied the photo, Bella tilted her head to one side and wondered how it had all gone so wrong. The day the picture had been taken, she would have never dreamed things would have turned out like this. Her eyes were drawn to Esme. Never this.

Swallowing the pain, she turned her attention to Edward's smiling face, his expression bright with excitement at all of life's possibilities and his eyes filled with love for his family… for her.

But now, instead of the loving, considerate boy she'd known, Edward was hard and bitter and angry. Vengeful, even.

She hadn't expected that. Somewhere along the line Bella had convinced herself that their breakup had left him completely unscathed, that he would have moved on and forgotten all about the small town girl he'd left behind.

The sound of a car horn interrupted her thoughts, and she quickly tucked the photo back between the two books. Crossing the room to peek out the small window, she noted the shiny, new Volvo parked in the diner's back lot. The car was not one she was familiar with, but even so, she knew it was Edward.

" _You could have just honked the horn," Bella groused, rolling her eyes as Edward led her to the car, his umbrella sheltering her from the pouring rain, his arm preventing her from slipping. "Then we wouldn't have had to deal with my dad." She shuddered, remembering the inquisition they'd just been put through._

" _My mother raised me to be a gentleman," he replied, grinning at her crookedly as he opened her car door, sending her heart rate soaring. "I love you, Bella. I would never disrespect you like that."_

Still looking out at the car waiting in the lot, Bella sighed, then nodded. Edward was making a statement—and she'd heard it, loud and clear.

With a grim smile, she grabbed her umbrella. If Edward Cullen thought he was going to walk all over her, he had another thing coming.

~o0o~

Edward didn't bother going up to her door; he simply pulled into one of the two parking spaces behind the diner that were reserved for the small apartment and honked his horn. Within a few minutes, Bella was walking down the steep steps, gripping an umbrella in her right hand while her left clutched the railing. He noticed twice that she started to lose her balance but quickly righted herself, and he fought the urge to roll his eyes. What he'd once found to be an endearing quirk in her personality, he now hated. Her clumsiness was simply a sign of carelessness, and if Bella paid more attention to her surroundings then she wouldn't have so many accidents.

While he sat warm and dry in the car, she narrowly avoided mud puddles and ran to try to stay out of the rain on her way to reach him. Edward cringed when she closed her umbrella and put the wet thing on the floor of his new car, but he held his tongue, grateful that she'd at least used it instead of entering the vehicle in the same condition as a drowned rat.

As he drove, the air was thick with tension. The only sound to be heard was the pounding of the large raindrops on the roof and the whooshing of the windshield wipers. Edward saw no point in attempting to mask it with music. Instead he allowed the silence to grow, the tension to fester until Bella was noticeably fidgeting. First, she was simply grabbing her hands and then alternating between squeezing her fingers and wringing her hands. Next, he watched as she rotated a shoulder, shifted in her seat, and finally began tapping her foot in an erratic rhythm.

When he couldn't take it anymore, he let out an exasperated sigh. "Just say it," he said bitterly.

"I haven't seen her."

Bella's words were so soft, so full of shame, that Edward could barely hear her. He gripped the steering wheel until his knuckles turned white and continued to try to make out the road through the pouring rain.

"I don't see how that's my problem."

Bella let out a breath. "Mom said she's really frail."

Edward could only nod his head sharply in response; he didn't like to think about Esme's physical well-being... her physical health was already a hopeless cause. Right now his focus remained solely on how his mother was doing emotionally, which meant ensuring her happiness. That was all any of them could worry about anymore. Even so, he also knew that some small part of him hoped that if he could make her happy enough, make up for staying away for so long, then maybe God would grant them all a miracle.

He turned the car onto the nearly hidden gravel road and noted that Bella's breathing increased as they got closer to the house. "It's your own fault you haven't seen her, you know," he told her.

Bella's refused to turn her head to look at him, and after several long moments, as they traveled down the private drive, he heard her say, "I know."

The satisfaction he'd expected to feel at her words never came, causing Edward's irritation with her to grow. Annoyed, he muttered curse words under his breath as his parents' house came into view. As he pulled the car into the driveway, he shut off the engine and turned his attention to the woman sitting beside him.

When he didn't move to exit the car, she turned her head and they made eye contact for the first time that day. Edward tried to figure out what to say. On the one hand, he felt he had to tell her how to behave; on the other, he knew that wouldn't be necessary. He was having a great deal of difficulty reconciling this Bella with the girl he'd grown up with and the one he'd admittedly built up in his head. He took a breath and opened his mouth to say something, and then snapped it closed just as quickly.

Bella looked at him curiously, but Edward shook his head. "Never mind."

A beat later, he opened his car door and ran quickly through the rain up to the covered porch. It took Bella another few moments before she got out of the car. Edward didn't have to be a genius to know that she'd been waiting for him to open the door for her. He scoffed at the very idea and watched through narrowed eyes as she ran up the slippery steps, barely keeping herself upright, to join him.

It was as she was standing beside him that he finally took a good look at her. Unlike the other day when he'd shown up at her apartment, Bella had put some effort into her appearance. When he'd left that evening, he'd been tempted to tell her to take a shower before coming over to see his family, but he hadn't wanted her to think he cared one iota about how she looked. Because he most certainly did not. Therefore, when she arched an eyebrow at his appraisal, he found himself telling her, "I hope you don't think dressing up will impress me," in his most sarcastic voice.

Bella looked down at her dress and tugged on the already stretched out cardigan she'd worn in lieu of a jacket, before looking back up at Edward. "Don't flatter yourself. I just wanted to look nice for Esme."

For some reason that Edward couldn't even fathom, his anger flared, and he didn't know if it was because of her snappy reply or because her clothes looked as if she'd bought them at the local thrift shop. He found himself clenching his fists several times at his sides before he let out an exasperated breath and turned to the door. He didn't bother knocking as he opened the front door and then, remembering that their performance now mattered, he waved his hand forward, inviting Bella inside like a gentleman—just as he'd been taught. As she walked past him, he quietly ordered her to smile and then followed her through the door.

Obviously phony grins were plastered on both their faces.

~o0o~

Bella stood awkwardly in the foyer of the house she remembered playing in as a child, feeling oddly out of place and significantly under-dressed. She smoothed non-existent wrinkles from her dress. It had been the nicest thing in her closet. She wasn't sure why Edward seemed so upset about it, but then again, he seemed to be upset by anything and everything to do with her. Perhaps she should simply resign herself to that fact and ignore it.

She sighed and tried to put all of that behind her; it was time to focus on the reason they were there. It had been years since she'd been in the house, and she was surprised by how much of an outsider she felt like in such familiar surroundings. Six years ago, Carlisle and Esme had moved to Seattle for work, but they'd kept the house in Forks as a summer retreat. Bella's mother had mentioned in passing that the Cullens jokingly referred to it as their "weekend cabin."

Edward led her into the living room, and Bella's fake smile quickly turned genuine.

"Oh, Bella, I'm so happy to see you," Esme said as she slowly stood from her chair and walked over, immediately engulfing the younger woman in her arms.

Relishing the embrace of the woman whom she'd always thought of as a second mother, Bella found she had to fight to hold in her sobs. The guilt at having stayed away for so long was tangible, and she was certain that Esme could feel it, as well. Her thoughts were confirmed when Esme whispered in her ear, "It's okay, sweetheart. I forgive you. It will all be okay now."

For a moment, Bella allowed herself to believe her and took solace in Esme's arms, but a small voice in the back of her head reminded her that it was all decidedly backward. Esme was the one who needed support and comfort, and Bella needed to quit being so selfish.

Esme squeezed Bella a bit tighter before releasing her grasp, and Bella noted how thin she felt. Esme Cullen had always been a slender, petite woman, but she was nothing more than skin and bones now. Bella studied her face. To the casual observer, Esme might have looked to be nothing more than a bit tired, but there was something decidedly off about her, even aside from the hollowed cheeks, the pallor of her skin, and the chapped lips. Her hair had always been a beautiful caramel color and full of body, with not a single hair ever out of place. Today, it was straight and lifeless, with far more gray than the light golden brown Bella remembered. However the most troubling change was found in Esme's eyes. She'd always loved Esme's eyes. They'd always been vibrant and expressive, the same color as her son's; now they just appeared dull, sad, and laced with exhaustion.

As if knowing what Bella was thinking, Esme said, "I'm fine. Don't worry about me today."

It was a clear warning that it was not the time to discuss her health and they would leave it for another day.

"I missed you."

Reaching up and patting her cheek, Esme said, "I missed you, too, sweetheart."

Ever the gracious hostess, Esme ushered her son and Bella to the living room where they could chat comfortably, informing them that Carlisle, though excited to see Bella, was busy in the kitchen finishing up the preparations for dinner. The pair sat together on the sofa, just close enough to make it appear as if they were not avoiding one another. Esme eased herself into a plush chair with an ottoman, and Edward immediately jumped back up to cover her legs with a heavy afghan as she rested her head back and closed her eyes for a moment. Then he joined Bella on the couch once again.

"So, Bella, Edward hasn't yet told me how the two of you reconnected," Esme said after she'd caught her breath and composed herself.

After looking over to Edward with a silent plea for help and finding nothing but thinly veiled scorn, she flashed Esme the most sincere smile she could muster and began weaving the tale that Edward had briefly mentioned when he'd arrived at her apartment a few days before.

She could feel Edward's eyes on her as she laid out the story they'd discussed, ready to jump in and provide additional details if necessary. Her voice was a bit shaky and her hands were clenched together in her lap, but despite her nerves, she was going to stick to the plan. Not that she had any choice. To do otherwise would hurt Esme, and that was the last thing she wanted to do. Esme's face lit up as Bella explained how they had run into each other at the diner when he'd first joined his family in Forks. A hint of sparkle returned to Esme's eyes as Bella babbled on about how they'd been spending time together ever since and how happy she was to have Edward in her life again.

That sparkle was worth every painful, detestable moment she had to spend sitting next to Edward Cullen.

He laid his hands atop hers and squeezed lightly, and one glance at his face told her that he thought she was laying it on a bit thick. "We're lucky to have found each other again," he said, effectively cutting off any more of her rambling explanations.

Bella fought back a growl; he knew she was terrible at lying. If he wanted to be certain that everything went off without a hitch, he should've been the one doing all of the talking. Then again, knowing Esme as she did, it was likely that Edward had already received the third degree from his mother before Bella had arrived. Bella bit the inside of her cheek to keep from snapping at her so-called boyfriend; Edward should have spent their time in the car prepping her on the correct answers rather than merely glowering at her.

"Dinner!" Carlisle called from the kitchen.

Edward and Bella rose from the couch, and she stood off to the side as Edward quickly moved to help his mother. Esme leaned against him as he helped her to her feet. Bella noticed how his face pinched slightly when Esme was in his arms, and she imagined it was because his stomach twisted just as much as hers at Esme's too light frame. She smothered a laugh when Esme smacked at Edward's hand, however, as he tried to take her arm and walk with her to the dining room. Esme Cullen had always been independent, and not even her fragile state was going to change that.

"It makes me so happy to know that you're happy," Esme said softly to them both as she walked between Edward and Bella. "It's about time that you finally set your hurt and anger aside so the two of you could talk things through. I know that you've both been miserable these last few years, but I knew that you two belonged together and that you'd find each other again. I've always felt that the heartache we suffer through in life makes the joy and love that much sweeter. Wouldn't you agree, Edward?"

At his mother's words, the toe of Edward's shoe caught the corner of the coffee table and he briefly stumbled before catching himself.

"Of course, Mother," he managed as soon as he caught his balance.

Biting her lip to hide her amusement, Bella accompanied them into the dining room to greet the rest of the family for their meal.

~o0o~

Three hours later, with dinner eaten, dishes done, and stomachs recently filled with coffee and cake, Edward and Bella finally left. Carlisle and Esme stood on the porch, his arms wrapped protectively around his frail wife, as Edward escorted Bella out to the car. This time Edward politely opened her door for her, a show for his parents, she knew.

The quiet in the car was instantly stifling, but Bella held her tongue until Edward had the car traveling down the narrow gravel road before asking, "How long?"

"Until what?"

She kept her eyes down and picked at the imaginary lint on her skirt. "How long does she have?"

"I thought your mother would've told you."

Without even bothering to look at him, she knew he was glaring at her by the way he spoke the words. Choosing to ignore his obvious annoyance, she pressed, "I was afraid to ask, and I didn't really want to harass her for the information. Mom's pretty upset."

" _We_  all are," he replied in a tone that clearly indicated that Bella was obviously not one of the "we" who cared about Esme.

Edward's statement hung in the air, and it wasn't until he turned the car out onto the highway that he turned his head and looked at Bella. With what almost sounded like a sigh of resignation he said, "Less than six months. Though Dad said that after her last set of labs, he thinks we'll be lucky to get four."

Four months. Bella's stomach twisted, and her heart felt as if Edward was crushing it between his hands. Part of her had refused to believe that Esme could be so ill, but now, having seen her, she could no longer fool herself. Bella put her elbow up on the car door, and chewed on her fingernail as she stared out the window. She was slowly finding her resolve as she digested his words. Since she'd first heard her mother utter the words "pancreatic cancer" less than two months earlier, she'd known that the outcome wouldn't be good. But she'd avoided asking about things like what stage the cancer was in or what the prognosis was. The truth of Edward's answer was in everything—from the slow, careful way Esme moved to the way she simply pushed her food around her plate and barely ate to her labored breaths when her pain escalated.

Now that she knew, she wished she could take that information and hide it away again behind lock and key. Ignorance was indeed bliss.

"You're sure they can't do anything?"

The car swerved, and as Bella snapped her head to look at Edward in panic. "What the hell, Edward?"

"How can you even ask that?" he shouted, bringing the car to a skidding stop on the side of the road and then turning his full attention to her.

"Do you blame me for asking? Surely you asked the very same question. At least the Edward Cullen I knew would have.  _He_  never took things at face value.  _He_  never took a simple answer and sat back to await an outcome." She squeezed her eyes shut to fight off the tears that were attempting to fall and turned her head to rest back against her window. "Obviously you've changed much more than I'd originally thought."

"You know absolutely nothing about me," she heard him say. Then a moment later, she felt the car pull back onto the highway. She didn't open her eyes again until she felt him turn and she saw that they were only a couple of blocks from the diner. Bella thought again about the course catalog and housing information that was sitting on the table in her apartment, but even as her mind shifted in that direction, it immediately changed course, leaving her thoughts completely consumed with Esme.

"Edward, there was something in your contract about the duration…." She let her words trail off, inviting him to fill in the blanks for her. There had been a condition of sorts, but she'd not truly given it much thought beyond the "six months" part.

"Six months or two months after Mom's funeral, whichever is longer," he said, this time his voice devoid of any emotion as he turned the car into the parking lot of the diner.

It sounded as if they would only be married for six months, as she'd originally thought. It was a small fact that would have made her happy just a few hours earlier, but for the first time since signing his contract, Bella realized the full implication of the marriage's time limit. She'd known on some level, of course, but it was only now, as she considered the two events together that she fully accepted just how intertwined they were—her marriage and Esme's health.

It would be Esme's death that would set the wheels for her divorce into motion. Like the falling of the first domino or a gun signaling the start of a race.

The vision of Esme's smiling face just after she hugged both Bella and Edward when they had left less than twenty minutes ago danced before her eyes.

_Less than six months._

Bella's stomach began to churn, and her heart felt infinitely heavier at the thought.

A moment later, Edward pulled the car into a parking space, and Bella leaned down, grabbed her umbrella from the floorboards, and willed herself to keep her tears at bay for the final minutes she would be in Edward's presence. "Thanks for—" she began, but instantly stopped when she saw his narrowed gaze. Bella gave an annoyed huff and opened the car door. "Just let me know if I need to know anything else about your brilliant plan."

"You'll be seeing me plenty."

Bella glanced at him and nodded, the lead weight in her stomach inhibiting her from coming up with a witty reply. "Okay."

Then, without another word, she shut the passenger door a bit harder than she probably should have and ran up the steps to her apartment, not even bothering to open the umbrella this time. She no longer had anyone to impress. Without a moment's hesitation, Bella walked directly to her dining table, collected the papers she had strewn across it, and promptly tossed them all in the garbage can.

Decision made. She wasn't going to back out now.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Sorry about the delay. First Shug was sick and now Gin is. Writing and cold meds just don't go very well together. :D Yes, we know, the basic premise of this story sounds familiar. Thus the reason that this is called a cliché. ;) If you'll look at our previous stories, clichés are what we do. Please just be a bit patient with us as we work through to the point where we can introduce our own twists and turns and make this story our own. Thank you for reading!


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Kris's Note: This is the last full chapter that had been posted previously. Again, I haven't touched anything.
> 
> A/N: This story is a collaboration between GinnyW 31 and Shug (sshg316), and was written for curious88 who won it in the Fandom Gives Back auction last November. Sorry for the ridiculously long delay—more info on that at the end of the chapter.
> 
> Disclaimer: The characters are the property of Stephenie Meyer. The rest is ours.

The car's tires squealed against the pavement as Edward sped out of his parents' private drive and headed toward the highway leading to Port Angeles. According to his father, Bella and Esme had taken Carlisle's car to the small portside town to search for a wedding dress—something Bella had conveniently forgotten to tell him. It was a clear violation of the terms of their contract. Not that he should have expected any differently from someone who had previously shown no qualms about breaking her word.

His mouth pressed into a grim line as he increased his speed, flying past the few other cars on the highway. He reached up to loosen his tie, then remembered he wasn't wearing one and instead ran a weary hand across his face before once again grasping the steering wheel in a white-knuckled grip.

The past few weeks had gone precisely according to plan, thanks to his tight-fisted control. With no work to distract him—thank goodness for all that family leave he'd saved up—he had been able to concentrate solely on Esme… and getting her to believe in the fairy tale he'd created. It had worked. Several well-timed public dates and then the "proposal"— his pre-fabricated story conveyed at Sunday dinner with his parents and Charlie—had gone off without hitch, despite the bile that had risen to his throat with every despicable word. He had to admit, until today's little act of rebellion, Bella had played her role to perfection, and his mother… his mother was the happiest he'd ever seen.

Now he only had to make sure she stayed that way.

It was a jagged pill to swallow, allowing Bella and his mother to reconnect, despite that being an unavoidable consequence of the charade that had become his life. This Bella wasn't the same girl he'd once known—if he'd ever truly known her at all—and so he could not fully anticipate her responses, leaving him once again grappling for control. It was damn annoying. Inconvenient, too. He couldn't afford any mistakes, couldn't allow his mother to be hurt by Bella's fickleness again.

Edward ignored the small voice inside his head that questioned if he was worried more about Esme or himself.

His lips twisted in contempt as he stepped harder on the gas and passed a slower-moving car. Sometimes he wished he hadn't eavesdropped on the conversation between Esme and Renee, that he'd never heard his mother say that her one regret was that she wouldn't live long enough to see him and Bella reconcile. The sadness in her voice had been audible—only an idiot could have missed it. There was no way in hell that Edward would allow his mother a single moment of unhappiness in her final days—not when it was within his power to change things.

So that was what he'd done. To hell with the mess it made of his life, as long as his mother was happy. Now she _was_  happy.

And God help Bella Swan if she did anything to put that happiness in jeopardy.

He arrived in Port Angeles in record time and quickly found his father's car in front of a small wedding boutique. He parked in the space behind the black Mercedes, then shoved a few quarters into the meter before entering the shop.

The bell over the door announced his arrival, and he paused in the entry, immediately ill at ease. The irony of the situation was not lost on him. Years of steadfastly ignoring anything to do with weddings or relationships, and now here he was, of his own accord, completely surrounded by wedding paraphernalia… some of which was destined to be part of  _his_  wedding.

His wedding to Bella.

The only woman he'd ever loved.

The woman who had utterly decimated his very soul.

Shit.

His chest felt as if someone were sitting on it, and his breathing became labored. Damn it. What the hell was he doing here? He had to get out, had to leave—

Then his panicked gaze met that of his mother's, and the tightness in his chest loosened, even as a fist gripped his heart. For her. It was all for her.

With that reminder, Edward took a deep breath and fully entered the shop, taking note of Esme's narrowed eyes and pinched lips.

On any other occasion, the look on his mother's face would have been comical. Today, however, with worries of Bella's intentions on his mind, the only amusement Edward allowed was a small twitch of his mouth.

Esme was pissed.

Edward gave a small wave and shrugged his shoulders, attempting to look contrite, then maneuvered through the store to where Esme was seated in front of a large, raised dais, surrounded by mirrors.

"Hey, Mom." He leaned down to kiss her cheek, surreptitiously taking in her pale complexion for signs of fatigue. She appeared fine; her pink blouse put some color in her cheeks, and her eyes were sparkling and clear. She looked good—or at least as good as her condition allowed. "Where's Bella?" he asked. If she had said anything out of line….

Esme tilted her head to better receive his greeting even as she huffed in displeasure. "She's in the bathroom. What are you doing here, Edward? We're shopping for Bella's dress—this is the last place you should be!"

Edward studied her expression, seeing nothing more than motherly affection tinged with exasperation. Relieved that it appeared Bella was still maintaining the charade, he relaxed his stance and then raised his hands as if in defense. "I won't stay long, I promise. I just—"

His words abruptly cut off when he noticed Bella approaching, her worn jeans and t-shirt looking distinctly out of place among all the designer frills and lace of the bridal shop. Like his mother, she was pissed. The smile that touched his lips at the sight of her annoyed expression was, for once, unforced. Now that he knew Bella hadn't spilled the beans to his mother, he might as well have some fun while he was here. He deserved to get something out of this entire fiasco, and irritating the crap out of Bella would make his entire day. He edged past his mother, his hand gently squeezing hers as he passed to greet his reluctant fiancée.

"Edward," Bella bit out between clenched teeth, smiling stiffly as she accepted a kiss to her cheek, "what are you doing here?"

He smirked. "Mom just asked the same thing. Sorry,  _darling_ —" he couldn't resist the endearment, knowing how much she hated it "—but it's been over twelve hours since I last saw you. Dad said you were going dress shopping, and I couldn't stop myself. I had to see you."

His teeth caught the inside his cheek to hide his amusement as he heard his mother's wistful sigh. Between his mother's happy visage and Bella's thinly veiled annoyance, Edward's day was improving more and more all the time.

He watched as Bella's eyes closed for a moment, then opened as she valiantly wrestled control over her emotions. "Edward," she said, "could I talk to you over here for a moment… in private?"

His own eyes narrowed minutely at her saccharine tone, but then he shrugged. "Sure. Be right back, Mom."

Esme shook her head at him and shooed them away, her irritated expression belied by the indulgent gleam in her eyes. Edward placed a hand at the small of Bella's back, causing her steps to falter before she righted herself and led him to a small hallway lined with dressing rooms.

Once they were hidden from his mother's view, she twisted her back as she turned to face him, effectively knocking away his hand. Edward arched an eyebrow as she glared at him, flexing his hand before sliding it in his pocket, ignoring the way his fingers still tingled from touching her.

"What the hell is your problem?" Bella whispered hotly. "What are you doing here?"

His good mood disappeared in an instant, replaced by the numbing bitterness to which he had become accustomed. He stepped closer, crowding into Bella's personal space and causing her to back up against the wall. "Wrong question. The contract—which you signed, if you'll remember—clearly states that you are to clear with me any and all unaccompanied interactions with my mother. So the right question,  _darling_ , is what the hell are  _you_  doing here?"

"Oh, knock off all the legal mumbo jumbo," Bella replied, rolling her eyes. "Your mom wanted to go wedding dress shopping, so like it or not, here I am. That clause is ridiculous. I don't see how I can avoid being alone with her, not if you want her to believe any of this is real."

"The point is that you were to inform me first. You didn't, so here I am."

Bella threw her hands in the air in disgust. "You have got to be kidding me. You came all the way out here to check up on me? What do you think I'm going do—hurt her?"

His upper lip curled in derision. "I don't know, Bella. You have before. Why shouldn't I worry that you'll do it again?"

He watched dispassionately as the barb hit home. She flinched, and her face drained of color. They stared at each other, the anger and loathing between them nearly palpable. It was Bella who looked away first, but before Edward could relish his triumph, she pushed him away and moved away from the wall. Her head tilted to one side, and she lifted her chin in stubborn defiance—an expression of determination he'd seen her make many times before, although not recently.

"Stop it," she said, her voice strong and unwavering, her hands clutched into fists at her sides. "I won't put up with your snide comments and oh-so-subtle digs anymore. Yeah, I messed up—I know that! You don't have to keep reminding me."

"I beg to differ," Edward replied with a sneer. "You have no idea how much you—" He stopped speaking and took a deep breath in an effort to control his growing rage. Then he began again. "I don't care what you want or don't want. You signed the contract; you agreed to every stipulation. Like it or not, I'm in charge now, and you will do whatever I tell you to do."

Bella scoffed. "You think you have some sort of control over me because I signed that contract. Well, you're wrong."

"Oh, really?" He crossed his arms over his chest. "Let's hear it, then."

"Look, I'm not stupid." She winced, then shook her head and continued. "You and I both know that contract is nothing more than a glorified prenup. I complete the contract, then we get the marriage annulled and you write me a check. Right?"

He shrugged, his gaze shuttered. Where was she going with this?

It was her turn to smirk, but her attitude was tempered by the tears that shimmered in her eyes. "Well, guess what, Mr. Hotshot Lawyer Man. I don't want your money. I'm doing this for one reason and one reason only—Esme." A tear slid down one cheek. "I made a mistake by cutting her out of my life, but I love her and I will do whatever it takes to make sure her last months—" her voice began to break "—are happy and fulfilled. But when it's all over, you  _and_  your money can fuck off."

His head jerked in shock at both her words and the vehemence with which they were spoken, but then he pulled himself together and responded in kind. "If you think I'm going to believe anything that comes out of your lying mouth, you're kidding yourself."

A tense silence then filled the small hallway.

After several long moments, Bella sighed, then murmured, "I won't hurt her, Edward. I promise."

"Sorry, but your promises don't hold much water with me—not anymore." Edward's voice was just as quiet as Bella's, but even he was surprised by the bitter sadness that was evident in his tone.

Bella's brow furrowed, then she inched toward him. "Edward, I—"

He shook his head and interrupted whatever she was about to say, now deliberately indifferent. "My mother wants to shop for dresses—fine. Just know that if you hurt her, the financial ramifications of breaking the contract will be the least of your worries."

She seemed to freeze where she stood, her hand raised slightly, as if she'd intended to reach out to him. The stubborn tilt of her chin returned, and her hand fell back to her side. "Fine."

"Fine."

Edward turned on his heel, more than ready to leave, but then he paused and turned back to face Bella.

"One more thing," he said. Then he stepped forward, grabbed her head in his hands, and crushed her mouth beneath his. Bella gasped at the unexpected action, and he took advantage, thrusting his tongue between her parted lips as he kissed her for the first time in eight years.

He mentally tossed aside the familiar taste and feel of her, focusing on his intent. His hands fisted into her hair, gripping her tighter as he poured every bit of fury, resentment, and bitterness she'd caused by her betrayal into the kiss. It was brutal, punishing, almost violent in nature—nothing like the ones they'd shared previously. She trembled in his arms, and for a split second, he was appalled by the pulse of satisfaction that struck him, knowing that the ferocity of the moment had shaken her.

All that changed when he felt her hands grab hold of his biceps as she plastered her body against his. And then she was kissing him back, matching his fury with her own as she sucked and bit at his mouth. Desire swirled low in his belly, and he stifled a groan as he felt himself begin to harden. Bella must have felt his body's response, because she shifted against him, sending shockwaves of pleasure straight to his groin.

Then, slowly, the kiss began to change, turning less combative and more hungry, more desperate. Bella released his arms and threaded her fingers into his hair to massage his scalp, the slide and pull of her mouth now coaxing, pleading for a response.

Edward stiffened, his heart, body, and mind warring in contradiction. Rage, hatred, resentment… he could handle those things from her. But this gentle assault was killing him, forcing emotions he had long since buried to resurface.

His eyes stung with remembered pain, and it was that reminder that caused him to break away, wrenching his mouth from hers. Dear God, what had he done? She would know… and she couldn't. Not now, not ever. With more effort than he cared to admit, he stepped back, severing their connection completely.

Bella stared at him, her eyes wide and her breathing ragged as her fingers relaxed their grip and slid from his hair, down his arms until her hands hung limply at her sides. "Wh-what…?"

Having regained control in those few brief seconds, he knew what he had to do now. Edward's gaze never wavered as he deliberately raised his hand to wipe his mouth, as if the taste of her repulsed him. "Now Mom won't ask what was going on back here."

Bella's expression went from dazed to furious in a heartbeat. Her eyes were wet with angry tears, but she blinked them away.

He turned to leave, satisfied that his point had been made, but paused his steps when Bella spoke once again, not bothering to face her.

"I'd call you a son of a bitch, but Esme is the sweetest woman I know. I won't call you a bastard, either, since I know your parents were married when you were born. Guess that just leaves asshole."

A muscle near his eye twitched, and then he strolled out of the hallway to the main area of the shop.

The asshole needed to kiss his mother goodbye.

Fifteen minutes later, he was sitting in his car in front of the bridal shop, watching through the window as Bella and his mom laughed while they searched through a rack of dresses the saleswoman had brought out for their perusal. He'd meant to leave immediately, but something had kept him from starting the car.

Instead, his mind replayed his "conversation" with Bella inside the shop. In some perverse way, he was proud of her for sticking up for herself, for not letting him run roughshod over her. He'd been reminded of the old Bella—his Bella. A small smile tugged at the corner of his mouth as he remembered her quick comebacks, and his body still burned with the lingering effects of the kiss they'd shared. God, it had been so long since he'd felt anywhere near as alive as he felt when he was with her.

He glanced up, his breath catching as, through the window, he saw Esme hold up one of the dresses in front of Bella, looking for her opinion. Bella reached out to touch the fabric, and the ring on her finger caught the light, causing the diamond to sparkle brightly. The resulting tableau sent a wave of longing crashing over him, leaving him breathless in its wake. That was his ring on her finger— _his ring_ —and for the briefest of moments, he allowed himself to wish that it was more than just an act, that they really were in love and preparing to spend the rest of their lives together….

As quickly as the thought came, Edward shut it down. Shoving the key in the ignition, he started the car and pulled away from the curb, heading back toward home. As he drove, he berated himself for his momentary lapse of control.

Damn it. Bella had always had a way of drawing him in, and still did apparently, but he refused to allow himself to be vulnerable to her and her every whim again. He'd learned his lesson eight years ago, and learned it well. He couldn't afford to lose control. There was something more than just his heart at stake this time—Esme's happiness. It didn't matter what happened to him; in the end, when this was all over, every moment of struggle, of frustration, of heart-rending, gut-wrenching agony would be worth it.

And he would do well to remember that.

~o0o~

"I'm sorry, Esme. What?" Bella knew she needed to focus on her surroundings, but her mind was still replaying her strange conversation with Edward. Okay, if she were being entirely honest with herself, she was growing used to his erratic and unpredictable behavior. Her mind, however, was intent on replaying that stupid kiss. It had been the most passionate, yet painful kiss she could have imagined. When she had emerged from the hallway after having composed herself, Esme had studied her face closely, and instead of smiling widely as Bella had anticipated, her eyes had narrowed. Bella thought she'd seen a flash of motherly concern cross the fragile woman's features, but it was gone too quickly for her to be sure.

"I wanted to know what you thought of this one," Esme repeated as she pointed to a white gown that the sales associate was holding for her.

"That's… erm… lovely," she stammered before she took a calming breath. "But I was thinking of something a bit… I don't know… plain? Less wedding gownish?" Bella swallowed hard and turned her gaze from the stunning dress in the attendant's hands and forced herself to look at Esme. They'd been at this task for quite some time already, and whereas she'd been able to fake a few laughs and plaster on a smile for Esme's benefit, the façade was slipping away.

"I do wish that your mother was here for this part."

Bella nodded. "Me, too." Renee had been nearly as ecstatic as Esme to hear about Edward and Bella's engagement. Bella knew that both women had shared a dream of their children marrying from the time they were infants. Charlie had been more cautious, but with a few well-placed phrases, Bella had been able to convince him that the wedding was what she wanted.

"What type of dress do you want?"

Bella shrugged. In truth, she didn't want a wedding dress. She wanted something as unweddingish as possible. Why couldn't they stand before the Justice of the Peace, say their vows, and be done with the matter? Or better yet, a trip to Vegas and only pretend to get married. Bella sighed. She needed to remember that this wasn't about her—it was about Esme.

Esme's eyes narrowed, studying Bella for a moment, before she glanced at the saleswoman. "We'll be back with you in a moment." Once the saleswoman had stepped away, she turned her attention back to Bella. She slowly walked over to where Bella was standing, then raised her hand to gently brush her finger across Bella's forehead. "I remember the very first time I saw you. You were two weeks old before I got a chance to visit. I had wanted to come see you sooner, but Edward had been getting in his molars, and he always got sick when he was teething."

Bella felt her face relax into a small smile at both Esme's gentle touch and the soothing tone she used every time she told a story about their past. It was comforting and reassuring, and it was one of Bella's favorite things about her pseudo-mother… and one of the things she knew she'd miss the most once Esme was gone.

"Charlie answered the door when we got there," Esme continued, "and he looked absolutely beside himself. The poor man was jumpy, fidgety, and nervous as all get out. Then I heard your wails coming from the other room. I carried Edward inside but immediately set him down when I found your mother with puffy eyes and tears running down her cheeks while she begged and pleaded with you to stop crying. Your dad started pacing, and that just made the atmosphere in the room that much more tense."

Both women were smiling now as they pictured Charlie in an agitated state—the big, burly Chief of Police had been known to fret over the simplest things when it came to his beloved daughter. Bella had seen her father in such a mood many times over her lifetime; it was never amusing at the time, but there was a warmth that built up in her when she thought about how much her father obviously loved and cared for her.

"I immediately took over. I told your father to go into the station just to get out of the house for a while, and I sent your mother upstairs to take a shower and then a nap. Renee handed you right over to me before she disappeared up the stairs. I'd love to say that the minute she placed you in my arms you stopped crying, but no such luck. You were pretty inconsolable." Esme ran her fingers from Bella's brow along her temple, then tucked the hair behind her ears, and finally rest her hand on Bella's neck, absently rubbing her jaw with her thumb. "I tried bouncing you as I walked around the room and sang. I told you stories, patted your back, rubbed your tummy—really I wasn't having any more luck than your parents, and I was starting to get a bit worried. I'd seen how upset your mother looked when I'd told her to go shower, and I knew if you kept it up she'd never get any rest. Finally, I spread a blanket out on the floor and laid you down on it. My biggest concern through all of that, though, had been that Edward would start crying along with you. Instead, he stood next to the couch and watched the entire thing, completely entranced by you."

Dropping her hand from Bella's neck, Esme then gripped Bella's hand, squeezing it tightly in her reassuring grasp. "When I put you on the floor he immediately walked over. Of course that made me nervous—I had no idea what he was going to do. My fears were completely unfounded, however. He went right over, sat down next to you, and started to rub your head. I swear, the very second that he touched you, you quieted. Edward continued to run his hand over your head for several minutes, and then he leaned down and kissed your forehead before he said something that I would swear was the word 'pretty.'" Esme chuckled. "Well, maybe. He could've been trying to tell me that he was petting you like he would our cat, but I like my version of it better."

Bella giggled softly at Esme's words and admitted to herself that she liked Esme's interpretation better, too.

"Anyhow, I like to think that once you realized he was there, you were just as entranced by him as he was of you. After he kissed you, he stood up and went over to his bag and pulled out his blanket. He walked right back over to you and put it on you. Of course, it was covering your face and you started to fuss almost instantly, so I pulled it down. While I was doing that, Edward was back in the diaper bag, and he came back with two pacifiers. He put one in his mouth as he was toddling back and then promptly stuck the other one in your mouth. Then he curled up on the floor next to you, grabbed the corner of his blanket in one hand, and patted you with his other. You were both asleep in minutes, and you were nearly inseparable for the longest time. I will be the first person to admit that day was the very first time I found myself dreaming of this, Bella."

She gripped Bella's hand tighter and took a breath before looking her squarely in the eyes. "I don't know everything that happened between the two of you eight years ago, but make no mistake, my son has loved you from the moment he saw you." After a beat, she added softly, "And he  _always_  will."

"Thank you," Bella whispered, wondering if Esme knew how much the story she'd just told had stirred her emotions.

Esme smiled a bit brighter, and when Bella grinned back, there was a slight sparkle in her green eyes that hadn't been there before that told Bella that everything was going to turn out okay in the end. "Now, let's find you a dress." With that, Esme promptly waved the sales associate back over to them, and they went back to their mission of finding a wedding dress.

Originally she had tried to argue that she neither needed nor wanted a wedding gown. It was only going to be a small ceremony and Bella had argued that she didn't want to fuss with all of the particulars. Esme, however, had insisted, and since this entire affair was for her benefit, Bella hadn't the heart to tell her no. Now, searching through the throngs of white satin, taffeta, silk, and lace, Bella's stomach twisted in the most uncomfortable ways.

The entire experience just felt wrong. Both Esme and the sales associate, Jenny, had been showing her some of the most extravagant gowns in the shop. All of them beautiful, but none of them were something that Bella could envision herself wearing in her worst nightmare. She didn't want something that showcased her or the occasion; she wanted something that would make her feel as if she were fading into the background. But if that wasn't enough, Bella also knew that she didn't want to think too hard or to put too much thought into this decision. So, when Esme insisted that she start trying on dresses, Bella didn't argue; she simply did as she was told and tried to avoid looking in the many mirrors that surrounded her in the dressing room or the ones that were out where Esme was waiting to see how each one looked on her.

Put the dress on, ask Jenny to do up the back, step out and show her soon-to-be mother-in-law, do a slow turn so the dress could be viewed by Esme from all sides, go back into the dressing room, and remove the dress, only to step into the next one.

An endless cycle in which Bella repeated the steps to herself in her head so as not to think about how she looked, how the dress felt on her, how the fabric crinkled and brushed against her skin when she walked.

That all fell by the wayside when she heard Esme gasp as Bella stepped out of the dressing room wearing the eighth dress.

"Oh, Bella," she heard Esme say.

Her eyes snapped up to meet Esme's gaze. "What?" she asked.

"That dress is perfect."

And that was all it took. Bella couldn't help herself as she turned her head and caught her reflection in the mirrors. She couldn't hold back her own gasp as her eyes took in every detail.

It was  _the_  dress.

Bella had been a typical girl, when she was younger and very much in love, she had dreamed of her future. She had envisioned the house that she and Edward would live in, the children they would have, their Christmases, their birthdays, their careers, school picnics, graduations, family vacations, anniversaries… she had pictured it all, including the wedding they had one day hoped to share with their families. And in those visions and daydreams, Bella had pictured a dress… her dress… this very dress.

She took in the way the hugged her curves, accentuated her breasts, and downplayed her hips. It wasn't princessy or showy. There were no poufy bustles or hoopskirts. The dress was simple white satin with just the perfect amount of lace and delicate beadwork to accent it.

It was simple.

It was beautiful.

It was elegant.

It was almost identical to an image she'd once clipped out of a bridal magazine during the first few months after Edward had left for college.

It was perfectly Bella.

It was perfectly Edward.

It was perfectly…  _them_.

And for just a moment, she could revel in that, she could dream, she could want, and she could feel.

"What do you think, Bella?"

She hadn't even noticed that Esme had stood up, or that she was standing right beside her, looking in the mirror. For a fraction of a second, their eyes met in the reflected glass, and Bella knew that this was what Esme wanted for them. Esme saw the same things in the gown that Bella had seen, and in an effort to please them both, she fought down the nauseating guilt that had begun beating down her door the very moment that Bella had opened her eyes and looked into the mirror.

With everything that she had, Bella wanted to tell Esme that she didn't want the dress, that it was uncomfortable, or that she thought it made her look fat—something, anything just so she wouldn't have to walk out of the boutique with a sales slip verifying the purchase. But she couldn't bring herself to do it. She'd lied about enough things over the years, and Bella simply couldn't bring herself to lie about anything else. If she was going to marry Edward, regardless of the reason, then she was going to do it right.

With a deep breath to steel her resolve, Bella turned her head to look at Esme and nodded. "You're right, it's perfect."

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: We sincerely apologize for the super long wait. Shug had to deal with some issues regarding one of her children and had to take a hiatus from fandom for a while. She's back now, though, and so updates should be more regular. Thank you so much for all the PMs and emails over the past several months. We're thrilled to know that, even with what little we had posted, the story had captured your attention. Thank you, thank you!
> 
> Kris's Note: I'll see you tonight or tomorrow with Chapter 4!


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N:Part of this was written by Gin and Shug, and part by me. I hope you enjoy!

_You are cordially invited to celebrate_

_the marriage of_

_Isabella Marie Swan_

_and_

_Edward Anthony Cullen…_

~o0o~

Satin and lace whispered against Bella's skin as her mother and Alice helped her into her dress. Her eyes remained closed as her stomach roiled, and she grimaced at the rasp of the zipper, as if its closure marked the sealing of her fate. The sound of her pulse thundered in her ears, her heart thumping against her ribcage. Gentle hands secured her veil in place, and while others in the room sighed and ooh-ed and ahh-ed, Bella fought against the rising sense of panic.

Was she really going to go through with this charade of a wedding? Could she?

"Oh, Bella, you're so beautiful!"

Renee's voice was thick with emotion, and it was all Bella could do to keep herself from running, screaming from the room. Instead, she remained rooted to the spot and finally opened her eyes.

A choked sob stuck in her throat at the sight of her reflection in the full-length mirror. The dress wasn't what sent her emotions spiraling out of control; she'd seen it before, several times. But now, with her hair and makeup done and the veil in place, she looked exactly like the bride she'd once imagined she would one day be.

Edward's bride.

_Oh, God._

Panicking. She was panicking, and she knew it, but she couldn't seem to catch her breath. Her reflection mocked her, reminding her of whispered conversations and shared dreams—of what could have been, if only she hadn't been so stupid.

And now… now she was about to walk down the aisle to the only man she'd ever loved. She would stand before all the important people in her life and exchange vows with that same man—a man who now hated her with as much intensity as he'd once loved her.

Bella stared at her reflection with a heavy heart. She'd always imagined her wedding to Edward would be the happiest day of her life—and instead it was about as far from happy as it could get.

Tears filled her eyes, and her mother wrapped an arm around her shoulders, her loving gaze meeting Bella's in the mirror.

"I can't believe my baby is getting married," Renee said with a sniffle, then dabbed at her eyes with a tissue. She glanced over where Esme was seated, dressed and ready for the ceremony. "Can you believe it, Esme? It seems like only yesterday we were dreaming of marrying our children off, and now it's finally happening." She turned back to Bella. "Oh, honey, I couldn't have hand-picked a better man for you... Wait a minute—I guess I did!" she crowed.

Bella tried to smile but was afraid it was more of a grimace. Every fiber of her being was desperate to bolt from the room, but one look at Esme's pale but happy face and she knew—there was no going back.

She would see this thing through. No matter how painful it was.

They waited for what seemed to be an eternity, until finally there was a knock at the door, and Carlisle poked his head in, his hand covering his eyes. "Everyone decent?"

Esme rolled her eyes. "Come in, Carlisle."

He lowered his hand and grinned before stepping fully into the room, shutting the door behind him. "I've come for the mothers. It's time to get you to your seats…" His voice trailed off as Bella turned to face him. "Bella," he breathed. "You're stunning, my dear. Edward will be beside himself."

She managed a small smile, but Carlisle's focus had already shifted to his wife. He tried to hide his concern, but Bella could see the tightness around his eyes. She was worried, too. Esme's condition had been steadily worsening, but the past few days had seemed especially difficult for her. She was gaunt, and even the glow of happiness stemming from having her family around her - her daughter home for a few days and Edward finally getting married to a woman she loved like a second daughter - could not cast off the sickly pallor.

In all honesty, Bella wasn't certain Esme would make it four more weeks, let alone the four months the doctors had estimated. The thought was terrifying, but it solidified her resolve.

This marriage was a formality - just a piece of paper that would give a dying woman peace of mind.

Carlisle helped his wife settle into her new wheelchair. "There. Ready?"

Esme smiled up at him. "Absolutely." Then she looked at Bella and held out a hand. Bella rushed forward to grasp her hand, quickly blinking back yet more tears as she took in Esme's joyous expression.

"This is a dream come true, my darling girl… for all of us. We love you."

Bella managed a tremulous smile. Facade though it might be, she was glad for this chance to reconcile with these people who had been too long gone from her life. "I love you, too."  _You'll never know how much._

More hugs and kisses were exchanged, and before they left, Renee pressed a tissue into her hand. "Don't let your make-up run, okay?" She gave Bella a bemused smile, squeezing her hands. "You know, you and Edward got so serious so young, I was scared you would end up married right out of high school." She chuckled. "I know there was some drama in between, but this is better."

Bella looked down, covering her grimace and hiding the ache she felt.

"I love you, baby girl."

"Love you, too, Mom."

Carlisle pushed Esme's chair to the door, and Renee followed along behind. He paused at the doorway and smiled over his shoulder. "Charlie will be here in a few minutes."

Taking a deep breath, Bella forced a smile to her face and hoped it looked genuine. She nodded, and then they were gone.

She closed her eyes briefly, then turned to pick up her bouquet. The sight of her soon-to-be sister-in-law startled her; Alice had been so quiet that Bella had forgotten she was there.

"Well, I guess this is it!" she said, hoping the slight tremor in her voice would be attributed to normal wedding day jitters.

Alice said nothing, her expression blank. Then she sighed heavily and looked away, seeming to struggle internally with something. Finally, she turned her gaze back to Bella and said, "Mom didn't want me to leave school this semester to be with her. She kept saying how important my education is and that there would be plenty of time to spend together this summer." Alice paused, her lower lip trembling with emotion. "I think we all know that's not going to happen."

Bella's eyes filled with tears, and she nodded in agreement.

"But of course, I'll have only missed a few months. Edward has missed years." She paused, and then her expression hardened. "I don't know what all has been going on these past few months, but I'm here now, and I just want you to know, I don't like you. I don't like what you did to Edward, and I don't like what you did to my family."

Bella's eyes widened in shock. "Alice—"

"No. We don't have much time, so let me finish, and then we can just move on." She laughed bitterly. "I guess we'll have to,  _sister_." She said the word scathingly. Not waiting for a reply, she barreled ahead, her tone cold. "Ever wonder why my parents moved to Seattle? They hoped it was far enough from Forks—and you—that Edward would move back after college. It wasn't, and he didn't. I changed schools in the middle of high school, left behind friends I'd known my entire life, and I did it willingly, hoping to get my brother back. But it was for nothing. Did you know until mom got sick, he hadn't stepped foot in Washington since you broke things off with him? He didn't come to my high school graduation. He never came home for Christmas or Thanksgiving or…" She stopped, choking back a sob.

A single tear slipped down Bella's cheek, and she brushed it away with shaking fingers. "I'm sorry."

"You should be," Alice retorted, her mouth trembling even as it twisted into a sneer. "It was all your fault. Do you even know what you did to him? You did more than just break his heart—you decimated it. You left him without a heart, without a soul. You  _ruined_  him. He was never the same after you—he's still not. And  _that_  is how I know this wedding is a huge farce."

Bella shook her head, not knowing how to respond to those accusations. Not only could she not tell Alice the truth about why she was marrying Edward, but she'd honestly had no idea that their breakup had caused such heartache for anyone other than herself. She knew she'd hurt him, of course, but lots of people had high school breakups—it was almost a rite of passage.

It wasn't as if he'd fought her on it. He'd said nothing at all, actually. In fact, his easy acquiescence had convinced her she'd done the right thing. She'd even considered the idea that she'd just beaten him to the punch, that maybe he'd found someone better. Such thoughts had plagued her since the moment he'd left for Dartmouth, and when he just let her go, with no fight whatsoever, she'd wondered if he'd found that someone. Someone prettier and smarter and better suited. Not that she thought he'd cheated—she knew he would never have done that—but she had thought that maybe he'd been relieved. Maybe he'd felt free.

Now Alice was telling her that he'd been as devastated as she had been. Was that really possible?

"Edward won't tell me anything," Alice continued, oblivious to Bella's internal rumination, "but I have my suspicions. So I'm asking you—whatever is going on, don't hurt him again. Because if you do, this time you'll answer to me."

Alice swept past, leaving the room in a swirl of blue taffeta before shutting the door behind her with a decisive click.

Bella remained in the middle of the room, paralyzed with guilt, shock, and frustration. How had it all gone wrong? She'd thought she'd done the right thing, even though it had killed her to do it, and she had comforted herself with the certainty that Edward had quickly healed and moved on. That he was happy.

Obviously she'd been very, very wrong. Edward hadn't healed, hadn't moved on, and he certainly wasn't happy. Instead, he'd separated himself from his family and become someone she'd have never imagined. Bitter. Angry. Vengeful. All because of her and her stupidity.

Pain lanced her heart as, for the first time, she fully comprehended just what horrible mistake she had made. Her breath came in desperate gasps, and she struggled to repress the sobs clawing at her chest. What had she done? Dear God. What had she done to this family?

**_~o0o~_ **

_The sun was shining—a rare commodity in Forks—and Bella lay on her back in their meadow, basking in its warming rays. Her eyes were closed, and her skin tingled where Edward was running his fingers along her arm. He laughed softly, and she responded with a lazy smile._

" _Someday you're going to be my wife."_

_Bella turned onto her side and cocked an eyebrow. "Oh really?"_

_His lips curved into a smug grin as he reached to tickle her cheek with a blade of grass. "Really."_

" _Hmm. I don't know…"_

_Edward growled playfully as he covered her body with his and leaned down to nip her neck. "You don't know?"_

_Bella laughed. "Nope. I don't know… because you've never asked me."_

" _Oh, I'll ask. And when I do, what will you say?"_

_He raised his head to look at her, his eyes tinged with vulnerability, and Bella was unable to continue with her little game. She placed her hands on either side of his face, and with her voice infused with all the sincerity in her heart, she replied, "I'll say yes. Yes, yes, yes."_

_His expression lightened, and he looked at her with such adoration that she could hardly breathe. "And then I'll be the happiest man alive."_

" _I love you."_

" _I love you, too… forever."_

" _Always."_

**_~o0o~_ **

A bead of sweat trickled down Edward's back, despite the fact that he'd already cranked up the air-conditioning twice. His stomach was in knots, and his hands shook slightly as he attempted to put on his bowtie.

"Twentieth time's a charm, right?" he mumbled to himself, cursing when his fingers slipped yet again. "Damn it."

A deep chuckle came from behind him, and he slid his gaze to Charlie's reflection just over his left shoulder.

"Need a bit of help there, son?"

Edward wondered if Charlie would still be calling him that if he knew how he'd basically blackmailed his daughter into marrying him. The ache in his stomach intensified. Guilt sucked.

"Do you know how to tie one of these things?" he asked, unable to look his soon-to-be father-in-law in the eyes any longer.

"Sure."

Edward turned around and raised his chin as Charlie made quick work of the bowtie.

"There you go. You'll just want to, you know, make sure it's straight or whatever," Charlie said, his cheeks slightly pink as he motioned toward the mirror.

"Thanks." Edward turned to the mirror to check out his tie. "Look good?" he asked.

Charlie grunted and moved to the other side of the room; Edward took that as a yes. His tuxedo jacket lay across the back of a leather chair, and he picked it up, smoothing a hand across the fabric before shrugging into it and then returning to the mirror to make sure everything was in place.

Charlie was fidgeting with his sleeves, his mouth opening, then closing several times before he ran a hand across his face, obviously unaware that Edward could see his reflection in the mirror. His mouth twitched, fighting a smile; the scene was a familiar one. Charlie often had to work up to a serious discussion. Edward was nervous about what Charlie might have to say, but he let him take his time, sneaking a glance every now and then as he pretended to fuss with his cufflinks.

After several minutes of silence, Charlie finally got down to business. "You love her."

It was a statement, not a question. Edward didn't want to lie to Charlie—not directly, anyway—and so he merely raised an eyebrow.

Charlie nodded. "I know you do, and that's why I owe you an apology, son."

Edward frowned and wondered what the man was talking about.

"I know what you're thinking," Charlie said, correctly interpreting Edward's expression. Charlie seemed to zone out for a minute, lost in his thoughts, and Edward froze, simultaneously riveted and discomfited by the remembered pain etched into the older man's face.

"It's okay—" he began, but Charlie was quick to interrupt.

"No, it's not. This has been a long time coming, and I'd appreciate it if you just let me have my say." He gave Edward a pointed look.

"Okay," he said, confused but curious.

Charlie nodded his thanks. "Like I said, I owe you an apology. I know Bella had a hard time after she ended things with you—and knowing how you love her, I'm sure you did, too. Thing is, I could have stopped it. Maybe. I don't know. But I could have tried harder. I  _should_  have tried harder."

Edward turned around to face Charlie directly. "What do you mean?

Charlie sat down on the arm of the chair. "Her mom's and my divorce really did a number on Bella. Renee leaving for Arizona didn't help matters any, but you know that. She was young but old enough to understand that her mother was leaving her behind. You remember."

He did. It had been an awful time. Bella had been nine years old when Renee left, and Edward remembered awkwardly attempting to comfort his distraught best friend, remembered her asking what she could have done to have made her mother love her more, so that she would have stayed. It had been heartbreaking.

"They may have repaired things over the years, but that hurt lingered. When you left for New Hampshire," Charlie continued, "she was terrified. She hid it well, but… well, she can't hide stuff from her old man. That fear ate at her and ate her until… I guess you know what happened after that, huh?"

He shook his head. "The minute I saw that rejection letter in the trash, I should have known what she would do. God, she was a mess. I tried to talk some sense into her, but she wouldn't hear it. Said she was doing her best by you, that in the long run, you'd thank her. But I saw it. That same old fear. She was going to let you go before you could leave her. Not getting into Dartmouth was just a good excuse."

Edward closed his eyes as he sank into a chair, his hands gripping his hair. She hadn't been accepted to Dartmouth? He'd had no idea; she'd never told him.

His fingers tightened their grasp. It didn't matter what her reasoning was. The result was the same.

"So I'm sorry, Edward," Charlie said as he stood and straightened to his full height. "I could have probably prevented you both a lot of heartache if I'd been able to make her see reason. I should have done something—"

"No," Edward interrupted, rising to his feet. "There's nothing to forgive. None of it was your fault. We were young. Things happen." He forced himself to continue, valiantly fighting to keep the bitterness from his tone. "Bella and I, we're in a better place now. Maybe this is the way it needed to be."

Charlie clasped his arm in appreciation. "Thanks, son. And thanks for loving my little girl." He glanced at his watch. "I best head over to the bridal suite. Got to make sure the bride is ready. See you in a few."

Edward's thoughts swam as he sat by himself for a few minutes.

This was wrong. This was so wrong. It was as though the world had been filtered, turned into contrasting and clashing colors. The feel to the air was discordant when it should have felt hopeful. Beautiful. Full of love, not this foul bitterness that had left his tongue and throat permanently coated with awfulness.

A knock at the door drew his attention. "Edward?"

Edward took a deep breath and stood, turning to face his father.

"Everyone's ready. We should go take our place," Carlisle said gently. He paused, and put his hands on Edward's shoulders, looking him over. A serious expression came over his face. "I know you're doing this for your mother."

Edward balked. "What?" He'd been so careful. If Bella had-

"Rushing to this, so to speak," Carlisle continued, and Edward breathed a little easier. "I know you only just reconnected, and maybe it would be better to give yourself time before you rush into marriage. It's not easy, you know. It's never easy." He chuckled. "But your mother's illness..." The skin around his eyes tightened, and Edward's heart twisted. "Time is precious," Carlisle continued after a moment. "Love is always a risk, but we have to make the best of what time we have."

Edward couldn't speak. He didn't know what to say. He didn't know if he should feel better or worse for what he was doing. He didn't know if he could open his mouth without his anger at Bella, at what could have been, at what should have been, boiling over.

Love was a risk, and someone should have told him she wasn't worth it. But here they all were - his parents, her parents - telling him that this was right. Nothing had ever been more right than the idea that Edward and Bella would end up together.

She was worth it, they kept saying.  _This_  was worth it.

Carlisle patted him on the back and gestured for the door. Mechanically, Edward followed.

The world seemed to warp then. It was a surreal place, and for once, too overcome with uncertainty and grief, the hate he clung to desperately was missing.

Once upon a time, this day would have had him bursting with satisfaction and awe. In some other universe, nothing - not even his mother's dire illness - would have been able to stop his smile. He'd had many hopes and dreams, but none of them greater than making Bella his wife.

So when the music played and she appeared, something in his heart, his mind switched off. He let go. For so long, he'd fought hard to keep anger firm by his side. Anger was so much easier than the devastating pain of knowing the one thing he wanted more than anything else - the one thing he'd have given up  _everything_  else for - was forever beyond his reach. When he saw her - heartbreakingly gorgeous, perfect, and walking toward him - he gave in to the beautiful delusion he'd painted for his mother's sake.

The past faded away, and for the first time in eight years, he felt whole - like he had when he was a teenager. The world was his to have. He could do anything with this woman by his side. The idea was so healing, the constant weight on his heart lifted as if it had never been there at all. He opened his hand, letting Charlie place hers in his, and when he looked at her, his smile was genuine.

It was the smile of his former self for hers, and he saw the uncertainty in her tortured eyes before she smiled back.

They looked on each other with hope and love, transported back eight years - before the world had become so twisted and... real.

Soon, Edward knew his brain would turn back on, and it would hurt. It would be like it was before - when it felt as though she'd been physically ripped out of his body. It would probably be worse, and he would have to fight to find that anger again, the hate, because at least he could breathe through the hate.

But for the minutes, as they pledged their undying love and devotion, he let himself believe.

At the direction of the priest, he slid the band on her finger and she on his.

Forever. Always.

Her father was right. They were all right. He loved her. Despite everything, he loved her.

And that was why he hated her so much.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: No posting schedule, friends, but I think you know by now I never leave you hanging for long.
> 
> Unless you read my pirate fic... that fic will not fucking talk to me, and it's driving me up the wall. Sigh.
> 
> Anyway. Let me hear from you!


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Okay. This is all me. Thank you all so much for your encouragement and support. This has been an interesting journey for me so far!

Two months into married life and Bella was going out of her mind.

It was bad enough that every minute was painted with the macabre colors of illness and the heaviness of the inescapable. Esme had good and bad days, but even the best days were trying. It was maddening to watch her slipping away, to see she was in pain and be able to do absolutely nothing about it.

Esme's family was gathered and, thanks to Edward, Bella was swept up in that. She'd known, of course, that after they were married, she and Edward would live with Esme and Carlisle for the foreseeable future - until after Esme's death. A month after the wedding, Alice came home from school for the summer. She brought her boyfriend, Jasper, with her.

Bella wanted to be thankful for this chance. She was well aware many people didn't get to do this - they didn't get the time to say all the things they wanted to say before their loved ones were gone. But it was tainted.

Esme clasped Bella's hand, smiling. At her prompting, Bella had shared the story of how Edward asked her to the girl's choice dance his senior year, her junior. After years of dancing around their changing relationship, he'd finally decided he'd had enough. They were always meant to be more than just friends, and it was time they acknowledged that.

"He laid it out like we were in science class or something. It was very logical." Bella smiled wistfully, remembering. "'We've been friends forever, Bella,'" she imitated his serious business voice and face. "'The other day, my mom said she had three kids. Except, I don't want you to be my sister. The relationships that start as friendships are the ones that never...'" Bella trailed off with a gasp.

They were the ones that never die, he said.

They did go to the dance, and afterward, sitting in his car in her driveway, he'd skipped the first kiss and gone straight to the 'I love you'. " _I've loved you for my entire life so far_." He'd smiled at her, and even in the darkness of the night, his grin was blinding. " _My eyes will always be green, my name will always be Edward, and I will always love you._ "

Esme patted her hand. Her thin, trembling fingers brushed over Bella's engagement ring, paired now with her wedding band, and she smiled. "You know, he bought this ring for you the spring of his first year at Dartmouth," she said quietly.

Bella blinked. "What?"

Her look was far away. "You remember he had that job at the gas station?"

"Yeah. For spending money at college."

Esme laughed. "Is that what he told you? I always wondered." She shook her head fondly. "Carlisle and I have been very lucky. Our children never wanted for anything. We've known since they were very small we would have enough to send them to whatever college they desired. Edward didn't need to save for college. He knew he would have what he needed.

"But Carlisle put into his head a long time ago that when it comes to girlfriends, any romantic gestures would mean much more if they came from money earned."

Bella understood that. She'd had a job at Newton's Olympic Outfitters when they were in high school. She'd enjoyed getting him little gifts and paying for the occasional outing. It wasn't much, but it had made her happy to see him happy.

"Every date he took you on, every gift, prom... every cent he ever spent on you was with his own money. He did odd jobs for neighbors when he was home, but when he was away at Dartmouth, every cent he earned at that gas station went to this ring," Esme continued. "When I went to visit him toward the end of the year, he took me with him to find the ring. He was so upset when he realized he didn't have enough, but luckily we sweet talked the sales person into dropping the price just enough."

Bella's stomach twisted sickeningly. By that time, she'd already known what she was going to do. By that time, she had already used part of what should have been her college fund - small as it was - to buy a plane ticket to New Hampshire, knowing full well what she was going there to do.

"He's had it since then?" she asked numbly.

She had a horrible realization. Suddenly, Bella was dreadfully certain that Edward had been about to propose minutes before she broke his heart.

"Oh, Bella. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to make you upset."

Bella didn't answer. She wasn't crying, but her eyes were stinging. She thought there had to be a limit to how painful this whole process was. She'd been an idiotic kid who made a stupid, irrevocable mistake, as kids were wont to do.

The fact of the matter was Edward and Bella had their lives planned out to the letter. When she hadn't gotten into Dartmouth - the very first step in their plan - she had been convinced she couldn't have any of it. She couldn't have the fancy degree that would get her into a great science program. She wouldn't become an award winning physicist. She and Edward would never be one of those power couples - both at the top of their fields, unstoppable.

It was melodramatic, and in retrospect, Bella understood it was an undeniably teenage, all-or-nothing way of thinking.

Now, though - after she'd finally wrapped her head around a lifeplan she thought could make her happy - she was having to deal with the heartache of her biggest mistake, her greatest regret all over again.

And she was beginning to realize that she was Renee in this scenario, and that was more than she knew how to deal with under the circumstance.

"What's going on here?" Edward's voice was tense, and he rushed over to his mother. He spared a withering glance at Bella. Even after all this time, it was as though he was still waiting for her to hurt his mother.

Esme batted him away. "I'm fine, dear. It was my fault." She patted Bella's cheeks, wiping away the tear that had escaped. "I didn't mean to bring up hard subjects. It all worked out, Bella. Just remember that. Sometimes it takes making a mistake to truly understand what we have."

Bella nodded, her throat a little too tight to speak.

"You look tired," Edward said to his mother. "Why don't you let me help you lay down?"

Esme grimaced, but she didn't argue. She was always tired. As much as Bella knew it annoyed her, she spent more time sleeping than anything else. She grudgingly acquiesced to her son, letting him push her wheelchair toward her room.

Bella found herself wandering, her head, as was so typical now, too full and her heart too heavy. She was trying to sort out what she should be feeling, thinking. Since the wedding, she'd been vacillating, tossed wildly between a wide range of emotions, each harder than the last. From one second to the next, her mood changed. She was horribly angry at Edward for putting her in this position, for forcing her to languish in a house where her second mother was dying, her second father was a step away from complete devastation, the woman she'd once considered a little sister hated her, and the love of her life could hardly stand to look at her.

Still, death had a way of keeping her mired in regret. Most of the time, she took every hateful word Edward and Alice hurled at her behind their parents' back because they were nothing compared to the condemnation in her own head.

When she heard Alice's voice and her own name, Bella ducked into an office - Carlisle's as of late ill used office - to get out of the hallway. She pushed herself against the wall, not really trying to listen but being unable to help it.

"Enough, Alice," Jasper's voice sounded exasperated and sad. He sighed. "This needs to stop. This venom... it isn't you."

"She-" Alice began, her voice loud and hard, but he cut her off.

"Sugar, I've heard all about the sins of Bella Swan, and I'm telling you right now, they're a bunch of bullshit." His tone was not unkind, but it was firm.

"What do you think-"

Again, Alice's boyfriend interrupted her. "You want to know what I think? I think your mother is dying, and you're scared. I think you're so pissed off at her for leaving you, but you can't lash out at her. I think you're pissed as hell at Edward, but you can't lash out at him either because it's only natural to cling to your family right now, especially since you have him back after all these years. I think blaming Bella is easy because if she hadn't lived her life the way she wanted to, or needed to, none of this would have happened, right? You would all be one happy family?" There was a challenge to his voice though he kept his tone even and gentle.

She obviously didn't have an answer for that, because he went on. "Maybe what Bella did was stupid. Gee, an eighteen year old kid making a stupid decision. That never happens. But it was a high school relationship eight years ago, Ali. Enough is enough."

"Shut. Up." It sounded as though Alice was speaking through gritted teeth. "Just stop defending her. Their marriage is a sham. Edward hates her. I can tell."

Bella closed her eyes, leaning her forehead against the wall. She felt a brief moment of panic. What would be the point of all this if Alice didn't keep the secret?

"Baby, the whole world could tell," Jasper said wryly. "Your father could tell if he wasn't so wrapped up in your mother. Your mother could tell, but I'm sure she just wants to believe her boy will be happy when she's gone.

"Here's what else I can tell. Whatever is going on between Bella and your brother, she loves your mother."

Alice scoffed. "Right. That's why she could leave her just as easily as she left Edward."

"You pout all you want about it, but it's true. All the fear and grief you feel? She feels it too, but she's got no one to turn to. Maybe she broke Edward's heart when she was just a girl, but it was Edward's decision to stay away from Washington, from his family. It was your family's decision to move."

Again, Alice said nothing, and Bella heard a rustle of fabric. She thought perhaps Jasper was gathering his girlfriend to him. "It is not her fault your mom is sick and your brother missed so much time with her. Yeah, babe. I'm sure there's something going on with Edward and Bella that isn't quite kosher. I'm also sure your brother has more to do with that than Bella does."

"Jasper, she's going to break his heart again."

"That's between the two of them."

"No it isn't!"

"Alice."

"It affects all of us. If she hurts him again when Mom is so, is so-"

"Alice."

There was a pause, and Bella heard Alice gasping. She was crying.

"It's going to be okay," Jasper whispered. Bella could hardly hear him.

"No it's not." Alice's voice was muffled, as if she were pressed against his chest. "My mother, Jazz. I want... I want."

She broke down then, and Bella, overcome with grief, sunk down on her knees. She kept her hand clasped over her mouth, crying right along with Alice.

Out in the hall, Jasper shushed and soothed his girlfriend. "I promise, Ali. I promise whatever happens, I'm still going to be right here. I won't let you go, baby."

Bella's head spun, and it was all she could do to keep her sobs quiet.

Though she was surrounded by her second family - two parents who loved her to pieces even though their children didn't - Bella had never felt more alone.

**_~0~_ **

_Despite Esme and Carlisle's protests, the only night Edward and Bella intended to spend away together was their wedding night. Going along with the rouse, Edward had booked the grandest accommodations Forks had to offer._

_Of course, being Forks, that wasn't saying much._

_Edward had been drinking, so his father drove them the five miles from the house to the little cottage. Edward and Bella sat in the back, Edward aching and confused. He kept trying to remind himself that his arm was around Bella because it was what his father and their guests expected to see._

_For two people who had rarely left each others sides all afternoon, Edward and Bella had spoken hardly at all since they'd said their vows. Still, it hadn't been as difficult as it should have been to hold her close, to dance with her, to smile when he looked at her._

_When Carlisle had said goodbye and they were alone in the cottage, the atmosphere felt pregnant with tension. They both waited, though Edward couldn't say what he was waiting for. He'd forgotten his carefully rehearsed lines. He found himself staring at the comfy looking couch, remembering how when he booked this room, he fully intended to make her sleep there instead of the King sized bed they were meant to share._

_Finally, Bella moved off. Edward heard the bathroom door shut with a quiet snick._

_His stomach and heart seemed to be twisted around each other. His throat was tight. His eyes burned._

_Shaking his head, Edward bypassed the complimentary champagne and got into the mini bar, pouring himself a shot of something amber. He hardly knew what it was. He just needed the bite of alcohol on his tongue to soothe this ache._

_When they were young, and he was a fool, he'd thought Bella was the worst actress. Obviously, he'd known since she dumped him that wasn't the case, but he'd forgotten until today just how convincing she could be._

_He closed his eyes, trying not to remember how she smiled at him - shy but as in love as he was._

_Forever. Always._

_Every time he kissed her that day - because it was expected, because it was what people wanted to see - she stiffened for a moment before she melted into him. Those were the kisses he remembers - soft, sweet, and full of promise. Full of now and the rest of their lives._

_Edward took another long drink._

_When Bella emerged from the bathroom, coming into the bedroom where he sat, he could barely breathe. She was dressed for bed now - no wedding night lingerie, just pajama pants and a long sleeved, soft cotton shirt. With her hair down, her expression painfully uncertain, she looked so much like the seventeen year old girl she'd once been. His love. His life._

_There was nothing he wanted more in the world in that moment than for this day to be real._

_He stood, putting down the bottle and crossing the room toward her slowly. Her eyes were on him, her chest rising and falling with each breath. She flinched ever so slightly when he took her face in his hands. She wrapped her hands around his wrist, but she didn't pull them away, and she didn't move otherwise._

_They were locked in a stare._

_Edward's moods warred with each other. There was part of him that was so angry, so maddened by everything she'd thrown at the window, he wanted to squeeze her head. He wanted to shake her, because why? Why couldn't she feel this?_

_When he lowered his lips to hers, though, his kiss was gentle. It was the opposite of the kiss he'd taken from her in the dress shop - all violence and control. He heard her tiny whimper, and her lips responded to his._

_But as he kissed her, he remembered the first night - the only night - they'd spent together. All at once he remembered this was just an act. She didn't care then, and she certainly didn't care now, at least not for him._

_With a growl, he walked her backward, pressing her up against the wall as his kiss turned into something more feral, more aggressive. He was furious because once again, he'd given over control of his emotions, of himself, to this woman who had proven she couldn't be trusted._

_His muddled thoughts tripped over each other. He moved his lips to her neck and sucked slightly, feeling just a little satisfaction when she gasped._

_Whatever she thought she was doing to him here, he wasn't about to let her win this game again._

" _Edward." Her voice was raw, her hands splayed over his chest. She shoved. "Stop."_

_He stopped._

_They were both breathing hard, and he wondered if he looked as conflicted as she did. He scoffed, taking a step back toward her so their bodies were almost but not quite touching. "What's a matter, sweetheart?" his words were a low rumble. "Don't you want to consummate this fucking farce?"_

_The hurt that flashed across her face made him sick to his stomach._

_She took a shuddering breath. "There are a lot of things you deserve to say to me," she said, her voice low and quiet, but dangerous. "But that isn't one of them. You want to yell and scream at me for the things I've done to you, fine, but you don't get to make me feel like trash. No one deserves that."_

_Her eyes were filled with angry tears as she turned away, ducking out of his reach._

_He felt like the lowest form of pond scum, but he was drunk and hurt and angry. He reached out, grabbing her by the arm before she could turn away from him. "What's the difference?" he hissed. "You did it once before when it meant nothing to you. What's changed?"'_

_The tears spilled over, and Edward would have given anything to wipe them away. He hated seeing her cry. The years and the anger hadn't changed that fact._

" _It meant everything to me, you fucking asshole." Despite her angry words, her voice was no more than a breath._

_Shaking her head, she shoved past him into the little living area, slamming the door to the bedroom behind her._

_Edward stood, staring at the closed door for what might have been hours, listening to her cry. His stomach churned, and he only barely managed not to throw up. Throwing up would have been a relief he didn't deserve. He sank down on the bed, his head in his hands, trying to find reason in his fury, confusion, and grief._

_At some point, he fell asleep, though when he woke it was still dark. The cottage was quiet. Carefully, he opened the door and peered into the living area._

_Bella was obviously asleep. Her little body was curled in on itself, her head tucked down, her arms wrapped around her legs. He chanced turning the light on, and his heart twisted when he saw her tear streaked cheeks._

_Retreating to the bedroom, he retrieved the comforter and brought it out, draping it over her huddled form. He knelt at her side, hesitating with his fingers hovering over her cheek._

_His wife._

_More confused than he had ever been in his life, Edward again retreated to the bedroom. Rather than get back in bed, he threw himself down at the armchair and stared at the gold band on his finger until the sun came up._

**_~0~_ **

Edward was sitting at the table in the kitchen, purposefully avoiding the dining room where Bella was playing cards with his mother, father, and Jasper. Alice was visiting an old friend, and Edward...

Edward was pretending to have a few things to attend to for work back home in Chicago. In reality he was spinning his wedding band back and forth.

The night before, when they had returned to the room they'd been sharing, she'd tried to talk to him about her engagement ring.

He'd gotten so angry again, he'd merely snarled at her that it was one of many things he was looking forward to be rid of in the next few months.

Though their breakup had left him bitter and irrevocably altered, Edward didn't recognize himself these last few months. It was one thing to be angry, but thinking back to their wedding night and the night before, he knew he was bordering on cruel.

Jasper had told him, "The opposite of love isn't hate, it's indifference." Edward had pretended not to know what he was talking about.

Getting to his feet, Edward peered carefully into the dining room. He watched for minutes, seeing his mother and father both joking and enjoying their time with her. Jealousy churned in his gut when his father reached out, cupping Bella's cheek in a fatherly, affectionate gesture.

He felt a wave of longing, wishing he could touch her like that. He squeezed his hands into fists, trying to curb this intense ache. The feel of his wedding band, clenched in his palm, biting into his skin made it just a little easier to think. A little.

Not enough.

Shoving the ring in his pocket, he grabbed his jacket and keys. "I'll be right back," he called to the others. He was out the door before any of them could react.

Out in the cool air of summer in Forks, he could breathe a little better, but he quickly realized it wasn't enough. His lungs felt tight, like he was being held underwater by the weight around his shoulders. Choking.

He made a beeline for his car knowing he had to get away from this house, if only for a few hours.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Phew. Okay. So. How we doing, kids?


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Rawr. So. Barburella gave this a once over but for the most part, it's not beta'ed. Any egregious errors are my own.

Edward hated his wedding ring.

 

Even hidden from sight, he would swear he could feel it against his skin still. It was as if he'd taken the circle of metal and held it over flames until it burned magma red and only then stuck it in his pocket.

 

He tried not to think about it as he tore down the long drive.

 

Not knowing where he was going only lasted so long in Forks. Edward supposed he could drive further, into the dense forests or out towards the rocky beaches of La Push, but what was the point? The silence only served to deepen his confusion, drove him further out of his mind, and he was already out to pasture.

 

This place was haunted – memories of his happy childhood were everywhere. As a teenager, he'd been disillusioned with this rainy place. It was such a trashy little town – not even charming as tiny towns went – but for some reason, his mother had always been enamored.

 

His father had told him in one fell swoop that his mother was dying and they were moving back to Forks for her final months. It was where she wanted to be, though God only knew why. They'd sold their house in Seattle, moving back to the house where he'd grown up.

 

Where he and Bella had played as children.

 

Where they'd shared their first kiss at nine just to see what all the fuss was about, deciding then it was overrated only to amend that opinion later.

 

These last eight years, Edward often wished he was the type of person who could return to a place where he had only happy memories and savor them. He thought perhaps that was what his mother was doing: surrounding herself in a place where her memories could make her smile because reality was difficult to bear.

 

"Death doesn't frighten me," Esme told Renee, unaware Edward was hovering close by, listening. "What frightens me is the lack of resolution, not for me, but for my children. I worry about Carlisle, of course. Ultimately, though, I know I've given him a good life. Too short, perhaps, but he's known love. He has two beautiful children who will take care of him. We were successful together. We laughed, cried, lost, and lived so much together.

 

"What I want is the peace of knowing my children will have as good a life as I've had. My Alice… It's a little soon to tell, but Jasper is such a good man. I worry about her, but I worry less because a good partner will push you to be the best of what you can be. I've been waiting for her to realize she doesn't need to stay so close to home. She's always been so curious about the world, but she tries to make up for her brother's absence by denying opportunities that would be so good for her. Did you know she was offered an Internship in Paris?"

 

"Wow, that seems like it would be perfect for her."

 

"It would have been," Esme said wistfully. "But she turned it down because she won't go that far away from home for so long." She sighed. "But at least with her, I have faith Jasper will encourage her to branch out. He seems to see the extent of her potential.

 

"Edward." Her tone was heavy, and Edward's heart twisted. He waited to hear her privately condemn him for all the time he'd missed. "My sweet, stubborn boy. He gets something into his head, and he won't be swayed."

 

"I know what that's like," Renee sympathized, and Edward felt an old, old sarcastic twinge. As though she deserved to make it sound as though she cared about Bella.

 

"You would," Esme said, a smile in her voice. "Oh, Renee. What would give me more peace than anything would be to see Edward at least on the road to happiness. He's gone through the motions. He worked so hard to be successful, to make us proud, but I really don't understand. It's obvious to me he hates his work. Carlisle and I couldn't be prouder of all he's accomplished, but what does it mean if it doesn't give him any satisfaction?

 

"And he's so lonely." Another sigh. "He tells me he doesn't need a partner to be happy, and that would be fine… if he was happy."

 

"You may as well be talking about Bella. She says the exact same thing."

 

Esme paused while Edward's stomach twisted. Every time he heard Bella's name was like a needle to his heart, a persistent pain even though he'd told himself over and over again he needed to let it go.

 

He needed to let her go.

 

"Is she happy?" Esme asked, her voice wispy, hopeful.

 

Edward held his breath.

 

"She's… not miserable."

 

"They always made such a good match."

 

"They did. They helped each other. They were good for each other."

 

Edward held back a scoff, the taste in his mouth ever bitter.

 

"I never stopped hoping," Esme said. "That old adage. If they were meant to be, they would find their way to each other again. Even now, I can't help but hope…"

 

"Me, too," Renee admitted. She dropped her voice, and Edward had to strain to hear her. "You probably think it's crazy, but I've been reading into a little theory about witchcraft. Nothing dark, of course. But even as recently as last week, I did a little spell. You know, just a little bump help fate along."

 

The two women giggled together. "I'm not above hoping it will work."

 

Edward banged his head against his headrest growling to himself.

 

Maybe Renee's mystic spells had worked, to an extent. Maybe that was why he'd gotten this crazy idea in his head.

 

Edward had never been good at passivity. It wasn't in him to cope with something like this in any rational way. When his father finally convinced him there was well and truly nothing to be done – Esme was beyond a cure no matter how expensive or experimental – Edward turned his attention to making her as happy as possible. When it was clear she was in no shape to travel, he left his company in other hands and moved back to Forks to be with his family for the duration. And then…

 

And then, if only to give his mother peace of mind, he'd concocted this plan.

 

At the complete destruction of his own peace.

 

He remembered Renee's words. "She's… not miserable."

 

He hadn't been miserable either. His mother was right; he was lonely, and he wasn't happy, but he hadn't been miserable.

 

And now they both were.

 

Edward drummed his fingers on the steering wheel restlessly, noticing he'd somehow ended up in that same parking lot where he'd watched Bella for hours before he approached her. He dragged his wedding band out from his pocket and stared at it.

 

The damnable thing.

 

For his parents, a similar wedding band was a symbol of everything Esme had spoken of. It said that this person was attached, part of a greater whole. It said they walked through this world – all the hardship and the joys – together.

 

All his life, since he was a very little boy, that was all Edward had ever wanted – what his parents had.

 

When he was ten and Bella was nine and her mother had left her behind, he'd taken her by the hand. "You know, I'll never leave you," he'd promised. "I don't think you could ever do anything bad enough for anyone who loved you to leave you."

 

He remembered so well thinking about Charlie and Renee, and thinking that if he ever married Bella, he would never be able to walk away the way Renee had.

 

The way Bella had.

 

So the ring he was now forced to wear on his finger day after day was a slap in the face, a reminder of everything that had been his every hope and dream, thrown away so easily. Brushed off like dust in the wind.

 

He wanted answers. He wanted answers to so many questions, but he was too angry to ask, too consumed by regret and guilt.

 

Edward dragged his suitcase over, feeling in control for a few precious seconds when he heard the familiar click click of the latches as he opened it. He threw the ring inside, and shut the suitcase again before he got out of his car. Shoving his hands in his pockets, he entered the diner for the first time.

 

Inside, he took a moment to breathe in. This was her world without him – a world he knew nothing about. He was more than a little curious to understand why she'd chosen this world over the future she could have had with him.

 

In his distraction, it took him a long time to figure out his waitress, Jessica, was flirting with him.

 

It was pure habit for him to smile back. He'd long ago perfected this game. In the business world, a savvy, charming front went a long way toward getting what he wanted. Not that he wanted anything from Jessica.

 

Well.

 

It occurred to him that Jessica had at least some of the answers he was desperate for. He knew she knew Bella; he'd seen them laughing together when he was watching Bella that day.

 

His smile broadened. He tilted his head as he answered Jessica's small-talk questions. Yeah, he was sort of new in town. He agreed there wasn't much to do here.

 

"Of course," Jessica began, a purr to her voice. "If you know how to get creative-"

 

"Hey, Jess!"

 

A booming voice interrupted them, making Edward jump and Jessica look up. "Hey, Emmett," she greeted the large man that had come up behind her.

 

He spared a smile for her before he turned to Edward with a grin. "So you've met Edward Cullen."

 

The waitress's eyes went wide and she looked accusingly at Edward. "Bella's husband, Edward Cullen?"

 

"The very same."

 

Edward grimaced, feeling his cheeks heat. "We hadn't gotten around to introductions," he said smoothly.

 

The stranger's grin only broadened in that insincere way. He wasn't even trying to hide how much he didn't like Edward.

 

Jessica cleared her throat. The atmosphere had gotten distinctly uncomfortable. "What can I get you?"

 

"I'll take the usual for me, Rose, and the kids. To go, please." He looked at Edward. "I'm just going to talk to my friend here while I wait."

 

"That sounds like a good idea." She turned to stare at Edward coldly. "And you, Mr Cullen? Do you want anything?"

 

"Just a Pepsi, please."

 

When Jessica had walked away, the two men assessed each other with hard eyes. As much as Edward told himself he didn't care – he certainly shouldn't care – he couldn't help but picture this man with Bella. Was that why the other man's eyes sparked with anger? Was he jealous?

 

Emmett chuffed. "Man. You're lucky it wasn't my wife who caught you, asshole, or you would be minus your balls."

 

Edward's cheek twitched. "I'm sure I don't know what you mean," he responded coolly, looking Emmett directly in the eyes.

 

The other man snorted. "I'm sure."

 

The derision in Emmett's steady stare had Edward chafing. "Have we met somewhere I'm not remembering?" He would have known if Emmett had gone to high school with them. "How do you know who I am?"

 

"How do I know you?"

 

"That's what I asked."

 

The larger man looked away. "I've known Bella for over five years now," he began slowly. "She's the sweetest, most selfless soul I've ever met. That's what gets her into trouble." He looked up, giving Edward a knowing look. "But I don't need to tell you that, right? She's your wife."

 

Edward scoffed. "Yes, I'm well aware of how my wife cares for people." He didn't bother to hide the derision in his words. Obviously this man already thought poorly of him. At this point he had nothing to lose.

 

Emmett tilted his head, something dangerous glinting in his eyes. "Yeah," he said as if he'd gotten the answer to some question he hadn't asked out loud. When he continued, his tone was harder. "Like when she saved up enough money to enroll in school the first time but signed over every penny so her stepmother wouldn't lose her house. Or when she gave up the only halfway decent job she's ever had – a job that could have had her in much better shape – because her asshole ex-boyfriend needed to be bailed out of jail.

 

"And I know what you're thinking," he said quickly. "I can see the look on your face. Her boss was judgmental about that too. He called her an idiot for having anything to do with that man, and that was why he gave her an ultimatum: Jacob or her job. But what he didn't understand was her ex's father was just recovering from a heart attack. The poor man was in a bad way, and the last thing he needed was drama from his idiotic son. Bella sacrificed a one-time opportunity to save a crippled old man from suffering."

 

Edward was silent under Emmett's piercing stare.

 

The other man wiped his hand across his mouth. "You didn't know any of this." It wasn't a question but a realization.

 

Edward's eyes flicked away and then back, but he didn't speak.

 

The way Emmett huffed and the expression on his face suggested It was no less than what he expected. He looked away again, his mouth set in a thin line. "Every time Bella has attempted to put herself first, someone else's needs became more important. Who knows. Maybe it gave her life meaning.

 

"But this?" He shook his head, anger beginning to seep into his tone. "This is above and beyond. She left her apartment, her job, her plans to finally get out of this shithole overnight. For you, apparently. Imagine our surprise when we found out she'd married you without breathing a word to any of us."

 

His agitation was beginning to leak into his actions now. His hands were on the table, and he clenched his fists sporadically. He was full on ranting now, not looking as Edward as he spoke quickly. "When we call or text, she'll only text back that she's fine. She doesn't call, and she doesn't come see us. Not so much as running into us in this tiny town… that's got to be on purpose."

 

Emmett looked back at Edward. More than anger, there was pain in his eyes. "Am I painting you a clear picture here? This already sounds like some Dateline NBC bullshit. I can't say I'd be surprised at this point if she ends up missing or dead so you can collect on the insurance money."

 

"I don't need insurance money," Edward spat, finally finding his voice. "All of this is beside the point. You never answered my question. You know me. How?"

 

"I knew your face," Emmett admitted, sitting back. "I helped Bella move. There was a box. Bella actually got as far as setting it by the dumpsters, but she went back for it." He smirked. "I peeked."

 

"My picture was in there," Edward surmised.

 

"The box was full of Edward Cullen paraphernalia as far as I could tell." Emmett shrugged. "I could never get her to open up about it."

 

Shaking his head, Emmett leaned over the table, dropping his voice. "I don't know what you did to Bella, but I'm telling you right now, I don't like it. You've already taken her away from the life she just started to put together. Again. You're keeping her away from her friends, and if you're parading around like you're not married, flirting with a woman Bella is close to, you are a level of scumbag that's going to get what he deserves sooner rather than later. You get my drift, ace?"

 

"I wasn't going to do anything," Edward bit out through clenched teeth. He was aware how guilty those words sounded, and he chafed. Even if he had intended to do more than flirt with Jessica – and he hadn't – it wasn't as though he was going to break Bella's heart in the process. And he wasn't keeping her away from anyone; that was her own choice.

 

"Okay, sure." Emmett waved a hand, dismissing Edward's defense without a second thought. "Bottom line? We love Bella. If you can't love her, let her come back to us."

 

He stood then, striding off without giving Edward a backward glance.

 

~0~

 

With Alice and Edward gone for the afternoon, Bella was able to relax for the first time in months.

 

It was a sorry state of affairs she found herself in. Here she was, a newlywed who was profoundly relieved to have her husband out of the house

 

There was no getting around the fact that Edward's antagonistic behavior made her days more taxing and emotionally draining than was entirely unavoidable. His gaze was ever watchful, as if he was just waiting for her to mess up, to say something to his parents that she shouldn't. Since their conversation in the dress shop, He hadn't said out loud that he outright expected her to hurt Esme, but his eyes always held a warning: if she stepped a toe out of line, there would be hell to pay.

 

Then there was the bittersweet flavor of their interactions. Often, for the benefit of his parents, he would touch her tenderly: a brush of his fingers down her cheek, a gentle bump of his shoulder against hers, the occasional kiss to her cheek. For seconds, even minutes at a time, she could squint and pretend she was living a different life – a life she'd given up the rights to. Sometimes she got confused because when he looked on her kindly, for the space of a few heartbeats, she could believe she'd found a way to turn back time and everything was as it was meant to be.

 

It was a very nerve wracking way to live, like she was walking on eggshells, taking shallow breaths.

 

Many times in the last two months, Bella had attempted to reason with Edward. There was no need things had to be so strained between them. Naturally, pretending they were happily married when they were anything but was bound to make things unpleasant, but maybe it was also a second chance. It was obvious neither of them had healed from their break up all those years ago; if they could talk, maybe they could at least find closure and peace with each other.

 

But Edward was simply not ready to listen. His anger was quick and consumed them both.

 

For the first time in too long, Bella enjoyed an afternoon with Esme and Carlisle. Though she was wary at first, Jasper proved to be a calming influence. It was almost as if he sensed her nervousness around him, and he went out of his way to be warm with her.

 

For a few hours, Bella felt like she was among friends.

 

When Edward came back from wherever he had been, her defenses went back up. She tensed, waiting for him to drag her aside and interrogate her about what he might have missed while he was gone. At the very least she expected him to be watching her closer even than usual, but he wasn't.

 

He was watching her, but something was different.

 

Throughout the evening, Edward was unnaturally quiet. So many times, Bella looked up to find him staring, but not in the hard way that had become typical. There was something contemplative and vaguely sorrowful about his expression. He watched her at dinner as she helped Esme cut her dinner into tiny, easy to chew pieces and encouraged her to eat a little.

 

Bella would have given anything in that moment to know what he was thinking, what that look on his face meant.

 

All that evening, he said nothing unless spoken to. He stayed back except to kiss his mother goodnight when Carlisle picked her up to carry her upstairs to bed. Again Bella felt his eyes on her as she ascended the steps ahead of the couple and turned down the blankets of their bed so Carlisle could set Esme down and tuck her in.

 

There was just something strange - not worse but strange - about the air that made Bella at once jumpy and anxious.

 

At a loss for what to do, Bella retreated to the room they shared. She curled up on the couch with a book, waiting to see what would happen.

 

An hour, then two ticked by and he didn't come. Nerves made her skin crawl, and she found she was worried for him. Finally, unable to take it, she crept downstairs.

 

The sight she found in the living room just off the stairs made her gasp, her heart jumping into her throat. Edward was sprawled on the floor, eyes closed. Calling his name frantically, she darted to his side and sank down on her knees. Cupping his face in her hands, she looked him over, trying to figure out what was wrong as she said his name over and over.

 

He opened his eyes slowly, and Bella gave a small huff of relieved laughter when she saw how bleary and bloodshot they were. Seeing he wasn't hurt or unconscious, she could have kissed him. "Did you fall?" she asked quietly.

 

"No." The word was slurred. As she suspected, he was very, very drunk. "Jus' tired."

 

He used to do this when he was young - just found a spot to curl up on the floor to go to sleep. It was an odd quirk he'd grown out of. "Too tired to make it up the stairs?" She clarified.

 

He only hummed his agreement.

 

She started trying to get her arms around him.

 

"What're you doing?" he grumbled.

 

"You have to get up. Your parents can't see you like this," she explained.

 

"Fuck." It sounded like the thought had just occurred to him.

 

"Don't worry. I'm going to help you."

 

Together, they managed to get him upright and on his feet, though he swayed a little. She guided his arm around her shoulder, doing her best not to stagger under his weight. When they got the stairs she wrapped his fingers around the bannister. "Lean on me and lean on this. You won't fall, okay?"

 

"Okay," he agreed.

 

Somehow, step by careful step, they got upstairs, and she led him to their room. She pushed him gently down on the bed and set about taking his shoes off.

 

He was watching her again, his expression forlorn. "Bella?" he murmured.

 

His tone was so soft, gentle, Bella's heart skipped a beat. She closed her eyes against the ridiculous, painful rush of longing and swallowed hard. "Yes?"

 

"Why are you doing this? I'm an asshole."

 

Bella didn't answer right away. She finished pulling his shoes off and pulled the blankets up over him. "Because I'm not."

 

He didn't say anything at that, but he also didn't argue.

 

Bella got a glass of water and aspirin, setting them both on the nightstand, sure that he would need them in the morning. His head was tilted toward her, his eyes open and following her.

 

For a long moment, they looked at each other. Bella bit the inside of her lip.

 

Unsure of what to say or do next, she turned out the light and retreated to the couch.

 

"Bella?" he said into the darkness some minutes later.

 

Her heart pounded painfully against her chest. "Yes?"

 

"The money..." He swallowed. "When we divorce, I want you to take the money I promised you and go to school."

 

She didn't know what she'd been expecting, but it wasn't that. Just what was she supposed to say? If he thought she was going to take his money, he had another thing coming.

 

But it didn't matter. His words were sluggish. He was drunk, and who knew what the hell was going on in his head.

 

"Go to sleep, Edward," she said quietly.

 

Edward's breaths evened out a long time before Bella let herself drift to sleep

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Edward, Edward, Edward. What are we going to do with these two?
> 
> And now for something completely different. If you're so inclined, I wrote a little piece for the Let's Do Anal contest. You can read all the enteries at letsdoanal dot blogspot dot com forward-slash p forward-slash entries.
> 
> So. How are we doing out there?


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Hello lovelies. Let's get right down to it, yeah?

_Like any teenage boy, Edward was preoccupied with sex. He thought about it. A lot. Having a girlfriend didn't help. Having a girlfriend who felt amazing under his hands, her body warm and responsive to him, made things harder._

_More than one thing._

_Of course he could wait. He wasn't an animal out of control. They'd talked about it like rational human beings and agreed they both wanted to wait for the right time. It didn't feel right to have sex under their parents' roof, so it wasn't going to happen when they were in high school. The idea of renting a hotel room felt tawdry; they didn't want to feel like they were sneaking around._

_The night before he'd left for Dartmouth, he'd held Bella in his arms, in his bed, for as long as he could before she had to return home._

" _There's no rush," he'd murmured against her hair. "We have the rest of our lives."_

_They'd agreed. They would know when the time was right._

_Being away at college, sex was an inescapable topic. It was on everyone's minds and everyone was doing it. He couldn't have been the only virgin on campus, but sometimes it sure felt that way. His peers couldn't wrap their heads around why a guy like him who could have his pick of the women on campus would be faithful to a phantom girlfriend._

" _A high school kid," his roommate sneered as if he himself hadn't been a high school kid only a year earlier._

" _She's never going to know. What do you have to lose?" another of his friends had said._

" _Everything," Edward replied bluntly, and left it that._

_They didn't let up though. They spun all sorts of stories that, despite his best efforts, got under Edward's skin._

" _I'm from a small town," one girl had said. "There's nothing to do there but drugs and sex. If you didn't give her the sex when you were there, she's probably found someone else just as bored as she is."_

_Sometimes, just sometimes, he began to wonder if he was naive. The narrative in his head was beautiful. What he had with Bella was a dream. Just thinking about her made him bright-eyed and so ecstatic, he didn't know what to do with himself. She made his belly flutter. She made him listen to the sappiest love songs and nod his head fervently to every ooey, gooey word._

_She made him believe in forever. More than that, he couldn't wait for their future together. Why not, when what he felt for her was everything good, pure, and breathtakingly beautiful in the world?_

_Listening to his peers, he started to second guess himself. Was he being stupid? Was he not living in reality? Was what he had with Bella really as malleable and, well, human as everyone else's relationship?_

_It didn't help that most of her friends were boys. She hung out more with Seth Clearwater and Mike Newton. Mike had helped her get a job at his father's store. When he spoke with her on the phone, her conversation was peppered with Mike's name, Seth's and a boy from the reservation she told him was having trouble taking no for an answer._

_Still, when he was home for Thanksgiving, winter break, and spring break they were attached at the hip. She hardly remembered the other boys' names when they were together. When she was with Edward, she seemed just as he felt: wrapped in bliss and entirely, head over heels, in love._

_And then there was the night before._

_Bella came out to see him - and to tour the campus - on their own._

_They were finally, finally on their own. No parents. Edward's roommate had been banished for the night._

_Far and away, the night before had been the best night of Edward's entire existence. Despite the fact they were clumsy, nervous first-timers, the whole night had been a study in perfection. Just seeing Bella like that, her body bared and glorious in front of him, was better than anything else. He treasured each moment, marvelled in every blush, every tiny noise he was able to draw from her._

_And when he slid inside her for the first time, it was like coming home. He felt complete. Whole. Right._

_A lot could be said about sex. He knew it could be rough. He knew it could be fun. He knew it could be horrible. The night before, he discovered that with Bella, the poets who talked about sex being as close to God as one could get and still be alive were right._

_There was nothing else in the world - only them, the way their bodies moved together, her voice, breathy and filled with pleasure, in his ear. Just the way his name tumbled from her lips gave him the greatest joy he'd ever known._

_He went to sleep with Bella wrapped up in his arms, feeling part of a greater whole. Though there was some vague part of him that thought he was perhaps being a tad ridiculous, he felt as though he'd stumbled on a secret that no one else in the world had ever known before._

_Waking up with her small, nude body pressed against him, their limbs tangled and overlapping, was exactly how he wanted to start every day for the rest of his life. For something so entirely final, Edward had never been more at peace with an idea as he was with forever by her side._

_He let full wakefulness come on slowly, enjoying the way the early morning light played off her skin. He'd wondered if he would feel different after their first time, and he did. Absolutely he did._

_How was it possible to feel so connected with another person? She was in his blood. Surely they were part of the same soul._

_Adoring and awed - feeling nothing but lucky that this girl, this woman, chose him above all the seven billion people of the world - he carefully reached out, smoothing a strand of hair back over her ear so he could look on her face._

_His best friend. His girlfriend. Now his lover. And one day..._

_His heart skipped a beat when he remembered what was in his pocket. All day long the day before, as he'd shown her around the campus, he could feel the ring box resting against his thigh. More than once, he'd wondered how she didn't feel it, didn't question the slight bulge it left._

_Edward still didn't know how he was going to propose. One after another, elaborate scenarios presented themselves. Laying there with Bella beside him, he suddenly understood he'd been silly._

_This was Bella. She wouldn't want elaborate. She wouldn't want to be part of a spectacle._

_No._

_There in his tiny bed, as they took the first step of the rest of their lives together, was perfect. Just them. Just this warm, blissful bubble._

_Resolute, Edward began to look around, careful not to disturb the girl in his arms. He kicked his foot out from under the blanket, hooking his jeans from where they'd fallen to the very edge of the bed. Carefully, trying not to knock the jeans to the floor, he brought them toward him._

" _Yes," he hissed under his breath when the jeans were close enough he could grab them._

_Bella made a small noise, a little moan, and her eyelashes fluttered. Edward frowned at himself, and quickly reached out to run the back of his knuckles down her cheek. "Shhh, baby," he whispered. "It's early yet. Go back to sleep."_

_She blinked a few times as though she was considering it._

_He hummed softly, a sweet lullaby he knew she liked when he sang. Her head began to tilt._

_But then her eyes snapped open. "Edward?" she mumbled._

" _I'm right here, beautiful girl." Since she was awake anyway, he began to press little kisses against her forehead, a brush to the tip of her nose._

" _Edward," she repeated, the word a rasp._

_He concentrated on kissing her, one hand on her cheek, the other working their way through his pocket until his fingers closed around the ring box._

" _Are you awake?" he murmured against her lips._

" _Mmhmm."_

" _Good." He kissed her once more and pulled back slightly so he could look at her. His pulse felt thready. He swallowed past the lump in his throat. "I've been thinking this morning."_

_Her eyes met his. He thought she looked sleepy but alert._

_Reminding himself that she had already promised she would say yes when he asked, Edward pressed on. "I've been thinking that next year, you'll be here with me. We'll be together forever in just a few months, and-"_

_To his surprise, her eyes closed. She rolled over, sitting up as she did. Edward stared at her bare back, disconcerted. "Bella?"_

_She didn't answer. She reached for her shirt, slipping it on and then grabbed her pants up off the floor._

" _Bella?" he tried again. The lump in his throat got larger, more painful. He felt slow._

_Something was wrong. Something was very, very wrong._

" _Look, Edward." She still had her back to him. "Before you go on, there's something you should know."_

_Slowly, Edward sat up, next to her. He put his hand on her back but she stood as though his touch burned her. He gulped. "Okay. What?"_

_She paced a few steps away and then back. "I..." She swallowed hard and huffed. "I'm not coming to Dartmouth next year."_

_Edward's stomach, his lungs, seemed to fill with ice water. "What?" the sound was strangled._

" _I started thinking about it a while ago - after you left. But now that I've toured the campus with you and seen it for myself, I know it's not the right place for me."_

_Her words couldn't have hurt worse if she'd stabbed him in the gut._

" _I've been thinking, maybe we need to reconsider what we're doing."_

_And twisted._

" _I... This is a great school, but I think it's just not for me. I want to go to California."_

" _Okay," he said slowly, his brain scrambling. He didn't understand what was going on. "If you don't like Dartmouth, maybe we can take next semester off. I'll come home, and then-"_

" _No." Her voice was louder than it had been. "No, I don't want you to do that."_

_Edward felt light headed - almost faint. "What are you saying, Bella?"_

" _I'm saying..." She was wringing her hands, and she_ still _wasn't looking at him. "We're really young, Edward. It was a nice dream. Really, it is a nice dream - our plan - but it's not the only one, you know? I think... I think I need some space to figure out what I really want."_

_Edward opened his mouth to speak, but nothing came out. Until that moment, he hadn't ever understood the term "tongue tied". He was. He was rendered absolutely speechless. His brain refused to work, refused to string two words together, let alone the litany he wanted to shout._

" _Look. My flight home is in a few hours. Don't worry about me, okay? I know you didn't expect this. I'll get a taxi."_

" _I... I thought you were staying a few days." The words came out as though someone had gripped his balls and were twisting. Honestly, it might as well have been the truth._

" _What's the point? I don't want to be here." She sounded so flippant._

_Edward felt riddled with holes. Being flayed alive and set on fire would hurt less._

_Bella had picked up her duffle bag. She never unpacked, he realized._

_She'd been planning this. She'd been planning this while they talked on the phone for hours, when they counted down the weeks, the days, the hours, the minutes until they would see each other again._

_She'd been planning this when he was panting, "I love you," against her skin when they made love for the first time._

" _I'm going to go," she said quietly. "I'm sorry. You'll... I'm just sorry."_

_And then she was gone, taking his heart and his soul with her as she closed the door behind her._

**_~0~_ **

Edward's stomach revolting tossed him into wakefulness suddenly. He lurched out of bed, stumbling, catching himself against the wall before he barely made it out to the hall and into the bathroom. He fell to his knees in front of the toilet just in time.

He felt wretched in more ways than one. His body seized as, purging what little was left inside him. If he wasn't so busy holding onto the commode for dear life, he might have grabbed his head. He vaguely wondered if it was actually possible for it to explode as it was threatening to do.

When he was finally done, he flushed the toilet and rested his head on the seat, trying to catch his breath. He felt like crap. He felt hollowed out and serrated around the edges.

He just ached.

Edward hadn't even noticed Bella enter the bathroom. He didn't realize she was there until he felt a cool cloth against the back of his neck.

His thoughts spun. It was hard to think past the painful thud, thud, thud of his heart beating in his head. And as usual when she was near him, there was that inevitable sense of longing - just one more ache to add to the pile.

He remembered most of the night before. He remembered watching Bella with his parents - how automatically she moved to help his mother at dinner. No one asked or prompted her. She just gave so willingly, instantly. He remembered Emmett's stories, and none of them had really surprised him. Bella had always been that way, thinking of others before herself when they were in need.

Of course, he remembered how she helped him up, put him in bed. She was doing it for his mother, he understood that, but she didn't need to make him comfortable. She didn't have to take off his shoes or tuck him in. She could have made him sleep on the couch, but she hadn't.

And now she was still taking care of him though his parents were probably still asleep and no one was watching them.

The cloth felt good on his superheated skin, and Edward felt, for a moment, so thankful. His heart twisted a little at the tender way she wiped at his neck and forehead.

But there was his dream-memory of how brutally and completely she'd thrashed his heart. For what? Her excuse had been she wanted to see what else was out there for her. What had she chosen? Forks and a life of martyrdom?

With a growl, he pushed her hand away.

She sighed. "I'm trying to help you."

"I don't need your help." He got to his feet, but he stumbled, and she was there, wrapping her arm around his waist.

She snorted. "Yeah. I can see that. Look, I know how distasteful you find it to touch me, but suck it up. You should have thought of that before you drank yourself stupid."

He was annoyed because she was right. And she was still helping him, leading him over to the counter. When she was reasonably certain he wasn't going to fall again, she reached for the paper cups Esme had always kept stocked in each bathroom. She filled it with water and as he drank, she got his toothbrush and toothpaste out.

"Go away," he demanded, knowing full well he sounded like a grumpy toddler.

Something antagonistic flashed in her eyes. "When you go back to bed, I'll leave you alone. I'm not going to let you bash your head open being a stubborn brat."

He growled again, completely aggravated by everything: his stupid decision to drink that much, his stupid decision to get her to marry him...

He laughed when it occurred to him. She'd once promised she would say yes if he ever asked her to marry him. That was one promise she'd kept.

Edward gnashed his teeth as she followed him, her hand out, ready to help, back to bedroom. He sank down on the couch. She hesitated, but went to sit on the bed.

The air between them was alive. Heated. Heavy.

"I met your friend Emmett," he said lowly, randomly.

There were so many questions he wanted to ask, but he was still mostly drunk and very angry. He didn't feel at all well, and between that, his dream-memory, and his increasingly confused feelings, he just knew he was going to say something stupid.

It didn't seem to be stopping him.

Bella's eyes flicked up to his and she breathed in and out slowly. She cleared her throat. "How is he?"

Edward's laugh was grating. "Seems like you're up to your old tricks. You ditched your friends just as easily as you ditched me. I suppose I should feel grateful. You didn't give them the benefit of dumping them to their face."

She sucked in a sharp breath.

"Let me ask you something... your ex. Jacob."

The look in her eyes warned him he was heading down a dangerous path, but he was on a roll now.

"You knew him when you were in high school." He was connecting the dots, trying to align the picture of Bella he'd had when he was a teenager with the one he'd built up over the last eight years and the reality of the woman in front of his eyes.

Bella swallowed. "Yes," she confirmed simply, offering no details or excuses.

He nodded. "So, I've always wondered who it was you fucked before you fucked me. Was it him?"

The look on her face - as though he'd punched her in the gut - made him only sicker with himself, but he couldn't form the words to take it back.

"Why the hell would you say something like that?" she said, exhaling with a gust.

Again, he spoke before he could think. "You weren't a virgin," he said bluntly.

She wrapped her arms around herself. "What?" she demanded.

"You had no fucking hymen," he spat. At the time, he'd been relieved. He didn't want to hurt her, and he'd figured she'd just lost it. That happened; he knew that happened. But after she left him, he couldn't fathom how the night they'd spent together was so meaningless unless there was someone else. Or maybe his classmates were right. Maybe while he'd been planning their forever, she was bored and having fun.

Her eyes narrowed, filled with angry tears. "You are an unimaginable bastard." Her tone was a harsh whisper. "Of course I was a virgin. There was no one but you. Before and for  _years_  afterward, there was no one but you."

He didn't say anything at that. He wanted to call her a liar, but he didn't believe it. She was telling the truth; he knew she was. It didn't fit with any of the storylines he'd created in the wake of their break-up, but it was true nonetheless.

Bella stood, crossing her arms and facing away from him, breathing in and out. "When does this end?" she asked, her voice hard.

"What are you talking about?"

"When am I punished enough?" she demanded, turning toward him with fire in her eyes. "When does this stop? There is a point where anger isn't a justification. There is a right and wrong way to treat another person and you crossed it. Ages ago."

Edward rubbed his temples. God, his head hurt so much. His heart hurt.

Just everything hurt.

"You understand that at this point, it's you - only you - who's making us both miserable," she said.

Edward blew out a breath. "I know that," he admitted quietly.

"Then why-"

"Because I can't like you. I don't know how!" The words bubbled up and out like a volcano exploding, all terrible, burning, destructive fire. "Because this is easier than losing you again. It makes me an asshole, and I hate it. I hate hurting you. You can't imagine how much it hurts, but it's the lesser of two evils, because if I don't hate you, I don't have a choice except to love you! I can't do that again. I can't!" He was shouting by the time he was done, breathing raggedly.

Bella was staring at him, her eyes wide and her mouth open.

Sighing, Edward slumped, throwing his arm over his eyes. He breathed in and out slowly, catching his breath, trying to quell his queasy stomach.

"I'm sorry," he said, his tone so soft now, defeated. "I am. I really am. But I don't know how to do this." He felt like he was losing the last shred of his sanity. Already it was worse than it had been directly after she left him - when nothing in the world made even a tiny bit of sense.

Now, he didn't know what way was up. He hated her, he loved her. He was annoyed. He adored her. She was...

Well, in all honesty, she was exactly as he remembered her: kind, beautiful, and smart. That made it so much harder.

Why?

If she hadn't changed so entirely, how had she been able to dismiss them, all their plans, the beautiful life they could have shared, so flippantly? How, after spending the night in each others arms, could it have meant so little to her?

He'd built up this vision of her in his head, twisting bits and pieces of information to feed it. If she was such a bitch, obviously the life they'd planned together had always been a fiction. He couldn't lose something built out of materials that hadn't ever existed.

But if she was there in front of him, still the same at her core though she'd lost some of the sure idealism of teenagehood, that future existed. It was tangible.

And still out of his reach - not for him.

Now his mother was running out of time, and that alone was more than Edward could reconcile with.

It was all so much to deal with.

"Edward." Bella's voice was so quiet when she spoke. "We have to figure this out. I can't let you keep doing this to me. You understand that right?"

Edward's stomach twisted again, and he breathed through his nose. She was better than him. She always had been. She had every right to hate him - he had been so cruel to her - but here she was, asking  _again_  to talk it out.

Yes, it would probably hurt a lot. He was already in unimaginable pain, reliving the aftermath of their breakup at the same time he was dealing with his mother's imminent death, but he owed it to her to try.

"I know," he finally said.

He heard her soft footfalls across the room, and then her gentle hands in his. "Come on. Get up. Get in bed. Sleep this off."

Standing on shaky legs, he let her lead him to bed and tuck him in again.

"Bella," he called, realizing suddenly she was at the door and not the couch. His heartbeat sped, remembering her walking out the first time, and he panicked. "Where are you going?"

"I'm just going downstairs."

He settled down, feeling slightly better. His eyelids were heavy. "Bella?" he called again.

"What?"

"I am sorry."

There was silence for too many long moments. He dragged his eyes back open to see if she was still there. She was. "We have to talk," she said finally.

"We will," he promised before he fell back asleep, too entirely drained of everything in him to stay awake longer.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Little background for you.
> 
> Thanks so much to Songster for beta and barburella for snippy Edward comments.
> 
> SO! How are we feeling, kids?


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: First things first THANK YOU to all of you who voted for this fic as fic of the week. That was such a nice surprise, and I heart you all. We won. :D
> 
> In case you're interested, my other E/B fic, The Boy At Table Seven, is up for fic of the week THIS week, so if you're so inclined, vote again.  
> Much heart.
> 
> We are all divided between team Edward and team Bella. I'm Team Holy Crap They Need To Kiss and Make-Up.
> 
> Let's see what they get up to.

 

Bella almost ran down the stairs, needing to be away from Edward. She was glad it was still early enough that everyone else in the house was asleep. She stumbled as far as the living room before she stopped, leaning with one hand against the wall, the other tight over her mouth.

Just when she thought she knew all the ways his harsh words could hurt her, Edward had to throw a curveball.

The only night they'd spent together was simultaneously the best and worst night of her existence.

_Of course she'd known what she went to New Hampshireto do. In retrospect, she knew how stupid she'd been, but when she was living it, it was the only thing that had made sense. Walking around Dartmouth with Edward that day only reinforced her foolish idea._

_He belonged there. He had friends. He was thriving._

_Edward could still have the life they planned. He absolutely should be free to pursue that life with someone who could actually fill the role._

_It was a wonder he didn't notice her distraction. Bella was lecturing herself on how stupid she'd been to get settled down so young, to decide who she wanted to be without considering if she was capable. When she was very small, she'd dreamed of being an actress. By the time she was a teenager, she'd realized she had no talent for it. Why should this be any different?_

_As the day wore on, reality began to weigh heavily on her._

_When they were back in his dorm room, he started to kiss her. With every kiss, Bella screamed at herself. She shouldn't be doing this. It wasn't fair. She knew he was in love with her. She knew how much he wanted the life they'd dreamed up together. She knew how badly her leaving was going to hurt him._

_Her head spun. His kisses always made her dizzy, but this was different. Even though she'd spent so many of the last few months aching, knowing her dreams of their future - of them - were lying in pieces on the ground, this pain was so much worse. Crushing._

_With everything in her, Bella wished she could fix this. She wished she would feel right about keeping him. The way she loved him was desperate and consuming, and no matter how often she'd tried to tell herself it was stupid - it was ridiculous to believe someone was her everything- when she was with him, nothing else mattered. Nothing._

_So she gave in._

_She silenced the angry voice in her head and listened to her heart._

_Their bodies moved together like a choreographed dance. Her shirt, his shirt. His pants. Hers. They kissed. They touched. They whispered to each other sweetly, and she meant every word she said when she said them._

" _I love you," she whispered back when he moaned those words in her ear._

" _Forever."_

" _Always."_

_And when he woke her in the morning, Bella almost told him the truth, almost let herself believe that it didn't matter that she couldn't be the second half of a power couple. She could still have him. She could still have this._

_But no. There was the fairy tale and there was reality._

_So she turned away from him, and broke his heart._

Bella wiped away tears of misery.

Of course she knew she'd been stupid and cruel. Hindsight was always the harshest teacher. By the time she saw how completely fucked up her plan was, it was too late. It was done.

And she would have to live with that for the rest of her life.

It took months for her to come to terms with exactly what she'd lost. Dartmouth's rejection had squashed flat her ultimate goal: to be the best of the best, at the top of her field at a young age. In her all-or-nothing view of the world back then, it meant the death of her dream of being a scientist at all.

But putting that aside, putting the loss of Edward aside, she'd also lost a loving mother and father in Esme and Carlisle. How often, before the Cullens moved away from Forks, had she wished she could go to Esme? Her heart was broken and she was spiraling into a deep depression in the wake of the self-imposed destruction of her life. Charlie didn't know what to do with her. The last person she wanted to talk to was Renee.

She needed a mother. She needed a mother to hold her and pet her hair and wipe her tears away.

But she'd given up her mother. And Carlisle. And Alice too.

Then, of course, there was Edward.

When she didn't get into Dartmouth, she began to think about the world in terms of realities. How, she wondered, had she gotten so swept up in this entirely fictional viewpoint of the world? She couldn't have the outrageous success being an Ivy League graduate promised; what made her think she could have Edward's love forever? What made her think that was any more real? Reality was all around them. Reality was far from perfection.

Yes, she loved Edward and he loved her, but that didn't mean they would be right for each other in the long run.

What she learned the hard way, only when it was too late to take it all back, was that love was also a reality. Edward was and always would be the love of her life. She knew it was possible to love more than one person in a lifetime, and she did try, but Edward would always own a part of her heart and soul. He would always be the one that got away. He would always be her 'what if'.

She'd suffered dearly for her mistake. She'd struggled to find her own identity. She'd hurt for a long time.

What she had done to both of them was bad enough. She was beginning to understand that, contrary to her prior beliefs, she'd brought hellfire and damnation down on not just herself but him, for all these years.

As though that wasn't bad enough.

But what he accused her of tonight? That she wasn't a virgin, that she'd cheated on him?

Why would he make it worse?

"Bella?"

Bella jumped, clamping her hand over her mouth as she whirled around.

Esme was leaning in the doorway to the living room, her hand braced on the jamb.

Wiping at her tears, Bella crossed to her quickly. "Esme. What are you doing up?" she asked, immediately offering her arm for Esme to lean on.

Esme offered her a small smile. "I don't sleep so very much," she admitted quietly. "I was in the study. Carlisle's chair is actually much more comfortable. It hurts less." She waved a hand in a fragile motion. "But nevermind that. I heard yelling earlier. Please. Tell me what's wrong."

Sniffling, Bella tried her hardest to put on an easy smile. "It's not a big deal. Things just got a little emotional, that's all."

Esme didn't look convinced.

"Really," Bella reiterated. "It's nothing. I'm..." She swallowed, running her thumb surreptitiously over her wedding band. "We're fine."

"Are you sure, sweetheart? My son is not too old for a stern talking to from his mother."

At that, Bella couldn't help but smile. "I'm sure."

Esme raised a shaky hand, brushing Bella's cheek with trembling fingers. "Okay," she agreed.

"Can I help you back to bed?"

The other woman sighed and winced, leaning against Bella more now. "No." Her breath was labored. "I couldn't sleep right now."

Pushing down her dismay, Bella just nodded. "How about we go watch a movie?" she suggested lightly.

"You should go back to bed," Esme urged. Back to her husband, she didn't add, but Bella heard it anyway.

She smiled again. "I'm awake now. Let's go be lazy."

Esme sighed, but nodded. Leaning heavily on Bella, she let her lead the way to the couch.

**_~0~_ **

The morning - or rather the afternoon - after Edward tried to drink himself into oblivion, when he went to sit by his mother, she regarded him with that look he'd been familiar with in his boyhood.

Mother was not pleased.

Her expression softened quickly, though, and she patted his knee lovingly. "Just remember to let the anger fade quickly. Don't sweat the small stuff." She grinned at him. "And it's all small stuff."

Edward huffed but smiled wanly back. "Here I always thought you were wise, when really you were just stealing popular book titles."

"I know you, Edward. You stew. You let things fester." She pointed at him, and he tried not to notice how much her finger was shaking. "One way or another, you're only hurting yourself more."

"Everything's fine, Mom. Please don't worry," he murmured, but she quickly shook her head.

"I do worry for you."

Feeling his throat tighten, Edward just laid his head on her shoulder like he was a tiny boy again. He closed his eyes, breathing in. Her scent was off somehow.

Illness had an odor, he reflected.

His arms tightened around her, and he tried not to think about how little time she had left to worry. He tried not to think about how she would react if she knew half the things he'd said to Bella.

She would be so ashamed of him.

Edward closed his eyes and listened to the sound of her breaths coming and going.

**_~0~_ **

Days went by and they didn't talk.

Edward was sincerely trying to get his head on straight. He hadn't forgotten what Charlie told him about Bella not getting into Dartmouth. Between that, what he'd learned from Emmett, and what he saw with his own eyes, he was trying to reorient the way he saw Bella.

She was right. The least he owed her was to stop making both of them miserable.

Still, at the end of every day, when they retired to their room together, the elephant who came in with them was too much. After a whole day of watching his mother get progressively weaker, the last thing he wanted to deal with was his own heartache. Every day he waited for Bella to press him. He waited for her to acknowledge the change in the atmosphere around them. It never came. She would curl up on the couch or the bed when it was her turn and she would fall asleep with her Kindle in hand.

Often, he watched her when she slept, trying to come to terms with the years he'd spent in the life he didn't want without her.

One morning, the family gathered as usual for breakfast, all of them trying not to notice that Esme was only moving her cut up bits of pancake around her plate slowly. She finally put her fork down and cleared her throat, looking around at the people she loved the most.

"We have a surprise for you," she said, looking across the table at Edward and Bella.

They glanced at each other and back at her. "What do you mean?" Edward asked.

Carlisle smiled and handed an envelope to him. Edward peered inside. Among other things, there were two plane tickets to San Francisco. They were marked for flights late that evening. He numbly handed the envelope to Bella.

"We'll all drive you up to Seatac. We can leave as soon as you're packed," Esme said. "It's a belated honeymoon."

She looked so satisfied, Edward almost didn't protest.

Almost.

"Mom. We can't leave. Not now." His tone was slightly strangled.

"You're going." Her voice may have been thin, but it was that 'don't argue with me' tone that Edward had once been intimately familiar with. When he and Bella both opened their mouths to protest, she shook her head. "I won't take no for an answer."

Resting her hands on the table, she wrung her fingers together fitfully. "Your marriage is so young, and I know things have been tense."

"Esme, we're fine," Bella lied from her seat beside him.

"Your mother is right," Carlisle interjected. "You've had no time at all to yourselves. Not even before the wedding." As he spoke, his hand drifted up and down Esme's back, rubbing lightly. "Marriage is difficult, but they say the first year is the hardest."

Edward twitched, trying not to react. That was the understatement of the century.

"And don't try to tell me things aren't tense between you." Esme frowned.

Jasper, quiet to that point, gave a small snort. "The air is thick when you're both in the same room."

Edward stared down at the table top, his heart beating quicker than normal. He wanted to turn and glare at Bella, an old habit now. "We're fine," he insisted.

"It will be fun. We've rented a few hotel rooms in downtown Seattle. We'll all drive up together. Your father, Alice, Jasper and I will have a few days away from this house, and then we'll all head back together after we pick you up from the airport."

"You wanted to be home," Alice argued. "Why go back to Seattle?"

"I love Forks, of course. But it will be nice to have a change of scenery. It's just a few days," Esme reiterated. "Nothing's going to happen in a few days."

The table was silent, knowing exactly what she was talking about.

Alice huffed. "This is ridiculous." She turned to glare in Edward and Bella's direction. "I don't know what's going on between you two, but this is going too far."

Edward narrowed his eyes at his sister, hoping she could hear his silent warning. Jasper put a hand on her shoulder, as if he were holding her back.

"Alice," Carlisle admonished.

"No, Dad"

"We'll go," Edward said quickly, speaking over his sister. He took a steadying breath, and angled himself toward Bella.

Her eyes were on his, painfully uncertain, searching.

Edward forced an easier smile, raising his hand to brush her hair back tenderly. "Alone time could be a good thing." He put his hand over hers.

Flipping her hand, she tangled their fingers together. "This is too much."

Edward wondered if she meant what his parents had spent on them or if the idea of spending a few days entirely alone with him made her as anxious as it made him.

"It's non-refundable," Carlisle said cheerfully. "You may as well accept it."

Glancing over, he saw that Esme's eyes were on their joined hand. She wanted to believe their lie. At this point, she was the one helping them perpetuate it.

They had been lax these last few days.

"We're all packed. You'd all better get a move on." With a wave of her hand, Esme sent her brood on their way.

Edward tugged Bella up the stairs quickly, wanting to avoid Alice. He stormed quickly into the room, beginning to pace.

"Edward?"

At the sound of Bella's voice, he bristled. He didn't look at her.

"Edward, I can't do this. I won't-"

"You will," he said flatly.

She drew a sharp breath. "This is exactly why I can't. I can't imagine being alone with you without the buffer of your family. I told you, I can't keep letting you tear me apart, and that is exactly what you'd do if we had to spend more than five minutes together. I'm not going to take-"

All reason went straight out the window at her words. These last few days, he'd been working so hard, trying to get to a place where he could actually try to find some common ground between them. This was not a situation he wanted to be put in either, but the ultimate goal was his mother's happiness.

If Bella refused to go, everything would fall apart.

In his desperation, he overcorrected."You will take it," he snarled, spinning on her. "This is what my mother wants, this is what she's going to get." He regretted his harsh words the second they left his mouth, but he also couldn't find, better, more rational ones.

Bella glared now. "What your mother wants doesn't include your verbal abuse and your disrespect," she snapped.

Edward's stomach twisted because she was right; of course she was right, but he was all turned around and furious and helpless about what he was supposed to be doing. If his mother saw the tension between them, what was the point of all this? If she was worried, what was the point? What was the point of this constant torture he was putting himself through, he was putting Bella through, if it wasn't for the ounce of pleasure he could provide his mother?

It was all he could do.

He couldn't take away her pain or bring back her appetite. He couldn't help her sleep. He couldn't rid her of the disease that was making her waste away before their eyes.

This was what he could do, and he was failing.

And Bella was dragging her feet.

"This is exactly why I made up that contract; because you can't seem to hold to your word." HIs voice was raised, but he wasn't shouting. He wanted to, but he couldn't, not when he was sure someone would hear. "You can't seem to hold to your word without a court-"

"Oh, come off it." Her eyes blazed, and she stepped into his personal space. "I'm not a moron, okay? Maybe I'm not as worldly as you, but I'm not stupid. You think I don't know that stupid, fucking piece of paper holds absolutely no binding power?"

"If you-"

"No. You're not going to intimidate me." She chuffed. "Give me a break. If I walked out of here and broke every one of your precious caveats, what are you going to tell a judge, hmm? That I couldn't walk out on our marriage because you were threatening to ruin me financially?"

Edward was silent. His whole body radiated frustration and tension.

"The most that's going to happen is I'm not going to get the money you promised me, and you and I both know I was never going to take it." She crossed her arms.

"Then why the hell did you sign it if it was meaningless to you?" he demanded.

"I signed it because it meant something to  _you_."

They both stared at each other for painfully long seconds.

Somewhere in the myriad of emotions making his head spin and threatening to send his body off in all different directions, Edward recognized a grudging admiration.

He dug the heels of his palms into his eyes, breathing in and out.

"I don't want to hurt your mother, Edward," Bella said, her voice softer now. "You know I don't, but I can't go with you if it's just going to be days of this."

Edward counted to ten, and then he counted to a hundred.

That she hadn't thrown what he'd said when he was drunk in his face, that she hadn't tried to hurt him with his admission, said a lot about her.

She wasn't trying to hurt Esme, and she wasn't trying to hurt him.

But he was hurting her, whether it was his aim or not.

He breathed in, he breathed out.

Opening his eyes, he took a step forward. His heart gave a sickening lurch when she flinched away.

He didn't want to be a monster; he didn't.

"You said you wanted to talk." He was almost surprised that his voice didn't shake.

She studied him carefully. "We have a lot to talk about. I know you have things to say to me. But..." Her eyes flicked away.

"But you don't trust me to be civil," he finished.

She bit her lip and didn't respond.

He breathed in, he breathed out.

Spinning on his heel, he found his briefcase and took out a legal pad and a pen. He scribbled a few quick lines across it, signed it, and handed it to her.

She looked confused and curious as she took it, her eyes staying on his for a handful of heartbeats before she looked down on the paper.

There he had written:

_I, Edward Cullen, swear to the following:_

_I will not disrespect you._

_I will listen to what you have to say without anger._

_I will not attempt to bully or manipulate you._

_I will not insult or belittle you._

_I will apologize, because I know I've done all these things._

_It will stop now._

When she looked up, he could see a sheen of tears in her eyes. This contract, like the last, was naught but a symbol, but he hoped it was enough of a start.

He hoped he was ready to hear her.

Bella folded the paper and put it in her pocket, nodding. "Go take a shower. I'll get us packed." Her voice was only a whisper.

He exhaled in a gust and nodded. "Thank you."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Oh, Edward. Stepping back, stepping forward.  
> Many thanks to barburella, songster, and twitina for help this chapter!  
> What are our thoughts about our kids' upcoming honeymoon to the bay area?


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Oh, my lovelies. I love you muchly. This is part one of the "honeymoon". Let's see how it goes.

Edward's silence was unnerving.

By then, she should have been used to uneasy silences between them, but this was different somehow. It lacked the weight of the looming tempest. He wasn't angry - not today. He wasn't gritting his teeth or scowling, but he was distracted.

One way or another, this was going to be a long few days.

Something had definitely changed, though. In his distraction, Edward was acting more like the boy she remembered. He took her bag from her when they left his family's side, switching it onto his own shoulder. In the security line, he automatically lent a steadying hand when she wobbled while taking her shoes off.

Bella excused herself to wander around one of the many little shops scattered around SeaTac. She bought a variety book of puzzles to keep herself entertained and made her way back slowly. When she finally got back to the waiting area, they were just calling initial boarding.

By the time he'd loaded their carry-on luggage into the overhead compartments, Edward still hadn't said a single word. Bella wanted to be annoyed, but she had to admit he was keeping to the contract that was folded into her Kindle case. He hadn't written anything about casual conversation.

She wondered what he was thinking about with his lower lip jutted out just slightly. The expression on his face was blank.

"Excuse me, sir? We're getting ready to take off, so if you'll please power down your phone. I'm sorry." The flight attendant's voice made Edward jump. He looked dumbly from her to the phone in his hand.

"Oh, yes. I'm sorry."

Bella watched him out of the corner of her eye, curious. He was really spaced out.

Shaking that off, Bella turned her attention to her puzzle book.

She was deep in thought, trying to figure out the answer to a clue that had been plaguing her when a soft voice rumbled the answer in her ear. She turned, surprised to find his body angled toward her, but his eyes were intent on the page.

Swallowing down the lump that had risen suddenly to her throat, Bella looked down at the page. Sure enough, his answer matched. Her lips twitched, and she did her best not to feel intimidated. Edward was smart. She wasn't an idiot, but she didn't want to look dumb.

She wrote his answer down in careful script, wondering if he would turn away quickly. He didn't, instead pointing to another space further down. "Titillate," he murmured.

For a moment, with his voice so low and close, Bella almost forgot what they were doing. She blinked but pulled herself together, writing down his second answer.

He shifted again, his body leaning closer to hers now. "What on earth is a marsh duck?" he mused out loud, trailing his finger over the question on the page.

"A teal," Bella supplied, writing the answer in.

"A teal?" he repeated, sounding perplexed. "You're telling me there's a duck called a teal."

Instead of arguing, she flipped to the answer key and pointed at the correct word. She tried not to smirk, but it didn't work.

He tapped the tip of her nose gently. "Don't get cocky."

It was such a surprisingly lighthearted moment, she blinked in surprise. His lips began to turn downward, as if he suddenly remembered they were not supposed to be friends, and he started to shift away.

"I, er... What about this one? I've been having trouble with this one." She flipped back to the puzzle they'd been working on and pointed to a number a little further down the page.

His eyes flicked to hers, holding for a pregnant moment before he looked down. "Shirk," he answered.

"Right."

"And this one is cajole."

It was, Bella thought, a hopeful start. Despite Edward's promise to be calmer, she was still nervous about being alone with him for days. She was beginning to wonder if there was some hope they could actually figure out how to coexist peacefully.

**_~0~_ **

Edward woke slowly, confused for a moment as to where he was. The room was too bright, first of all. It never got this bright in Forks.

Right. He was in Carmel, about two hours outside of San Francisco. Alone. With Bella.

They were in one of those romantic seaside retreats that featured cabins along the beach. It was a beautiful, cozy place. There was a kitchen, a living room, and a lavish bedroom. Since they'd arrived late, Edward had stretched out on the couch and gone to sleep not five minutes after they walked in the door.

Getting upright, Edward stretched, rolling out the kinks in shoulders and neck. He hesitated outside the bedroom door a moment before he knocked softly. No answer. Part of him hoped Bella was still sleeping. He thought maybe he could use a few quiet minutes to himself before he figured out how he wanted to approach the day.

Not that Bella had been so demanding of his attention. She'd given him as much space as she could in the airplane and then the car. She definitely wasn't pushing him.

Carefully, Edward eased open the door and peered into the room. Seeing the bed was empty, he opened the door all the way.

He found Bella easily enough. When he saw her, his breath caught. She was standing outside on the verandah, leaning against a pillar. Her hair was loose, blowing in the light wind as she stared out at the ocean. She was dressed in a robe, cinched tight around her.

It was one of those ethereal moments. She was beautiful.

Something inside him whispered she was his. He took a step forward, wanting nothing more than to go to her, but then he stopped. He remembered where he was in place and time and that she had never been his. Not really.

Still, he continued forward, his stride not as purposeful now, out onto the deck. The coolness of the early morning air surprised him. It wasn't the same as Forks or the East coast. He closed his eyes and breathed in slowly.

When he exhaled, he felt calmer somehow. So many months of being surrounded by the dreary skies over Forks and the heavy pall of sickness had taken its toll. This seemed like a whole different world. The sand seemed warm and welcoming. The sky was clear - a brilliant blue Edward had frankly forgotten existed. The waves crashed on the semi-private beach with a steadying rhythm.

For the first time in a long time, Edward couldn't feel his anger, his hurt, or his fear.

He let his eyes sweep over Bella's form again. She hadn't noticed him come out on the porch yet.

Every once in awhile, they used to go with groups of their peers to the beach down in La Push. First Beach, or if they were all up for a hike, they would continue on to Second Beach. He remembered how much Bella loved the tide pools, but she would always get a disgruntled look on her face when she stared out at the ocean.

_She slipped her hand into his, letting his fingers warm her. "You know what sucks about the beaches here?"_

_He tugged her closer, wrapping his arm around her waist and buried the tip of his nose against her hair, nuzzling lightly. "What's that?"_

" _You can't just sit on the beach here and watch the waves. It's too cold here. And the rocks aren't comfortable like the sand would be." She closed her eyes, breathing in the cool sea air. "I want to do that one day. I want to sit on a warm beach and watch the waves." Looking at him, she wrinkled her nose, grinning. "And you know... maybe actually get in the water without worrying about freezing to death."_

_He smiled back and kissed her. "We'll do that. We'll do everything."_

Mirroring her stance, Edward crossed his arms.

Once upon a time, he and Bella had talked endlessly of the things they would do, the places they would visit together. Edward had made a point of having the life they'd dreamed of without her. Whenever he travelled, he thought of her, wondering who she was having these experiences with.

Now, he knew better. He was willing to bet she had never made it very far out of Washington at all.

Stepping forward, he reached out and touched her arm. She looked over her shoulder, her expression guarded. "Hey." Her voice was soft, almost drowned out by the crashing waves.

"Hey," he said back. "Have you been up long?"

She turned back to the water. "An hour or two."

His lips quirked. "Just watching the waves?"

Again, she looked over her shoulder at him. She remembered. He could see it in her eyes. There was a bittersweetness to her expression. "Yeah."

"That's good."

They lapsed into silence for a handful of seconds before Edward cleared his throat. It took him a few moments to identify the tense, roiling, not quite comfortable feeling in the pit of his stomach as nervousness. "Have you ever been to San Francisco?"

"Besides landing at the airport last night?" She shook her head.

Another moment of silence as he warred with himself.

Out here in the sunshine, he felt like he could approach things with some rationality, but at the same time, he was wary of being completely without his anger. Regardless of whether or not it was true, anger felt stronger than everything else.

He remembered what it was like just after Bella left him. He remembered feeling so frail.

He didn't want to be angry at her anymore, but he wasn't ready to talk yet.

What he could acknowledge was that he was wrong about the image he'd built for all those years. Even if she wasn't his love, they were stuck here together. She was doing an amazing thing for his mother. Overall, she was a good person.

Overall, he wanted her to have those experiences she dreamed of.

"I'm going to get dressed," he said finally, his tone even. "We can have breakfast, and we'll still make it to the city with plenty of time to be a little touristy."

For the third time, she looked over her shoulder at him. Surprise painted her pretty features. She studied him, looking uncertain, before she smiled. It was just a ghost of a smile, but it was there. "That would be really nice."

**_~0~_ **

It was a good day.

Bella was nervous on the drive over, but her worries proved unfounded. Edward had spoken only softly, asking her if there was something in particular she wanted to do. Since he'd been there several times, he talked at length of the different options they had.

"Really, Bella. Where would you go if you could go anywhere?"

She pressed her lips together. "I want to walk across the Golden Gate Bridge."

"That's it?" He seemed amused.

"That's what I want to do most," she clarified.

So that was what they did.

They found a place to park and took that long walk. Edward started off quiet. He didn't protest when she would stop to look at the view of the city or out at the bay. There was a peace to the atmosphere that Bella didn't realize how desperately she needed until she was in the middle of it.

"It's a beautiful city," she remarked.

"Yes," he agreed. "It's definitely in my top five favorite cities."

"What are the others?"

"In the US?"

Bella felt a pang, wondering not for the first time how much of the world she would have seen by now if she had made different choices. "Sure."

He seemed thoughtful as they continued on. "In no particular order? Austin, Boston, Washington D.C., and..." His lips tugged down briefly. "And Seattle, still, I think."

She knew damn well he hadn't been back to Seattle except to go to the airport in eight years.

Not wanting to the lighter mood to darken, Bella shifted the subject swiftly. "And yet you live in New York."

He shrugged. "It was a business decision. I enjoy New York a lot. It's in my top ten, certainly. Besides, just because I love the cities doesn't mean I'd want to live there. Visiting is nice."

Bella hummed. She had so many questions, but she didn't know that she wanted to get into it. The peace between them couldn't last, she knew that. She knew they would have to talk sooner than later, but she was happy for the moment.

For once, he seemed to be on the same page, and he changed the subject. As usual, Edward could be trusted to know absolutely everything. He babbled a bit about the history of the city, pointing out landmarks.

She remembered this. She remembered the way he was when he would read a book or watch some show. Bella had always loved the way he was fascinated by everything for days or hours at a time. In effect, he knew something about most things. It was both annoying - Edward was not above showing off - and intriguing.

They passed the time easily, crossing the bridge one way and crossing back the other.

When they were done with that, since they'd only eaten a light breakfast, they headed to Chinatown for lunch. It was a good atmosphere but teeming with people. Edward reached back through the crowd, taking her hand so they wouldn't get separated as they walked shoulder to shoulder with residents and other tourists. He navigated the streets expertly, guiding them to a restaurant called Jai Yun.

Bella was more than a little surprised to find they had a reservation. When he'd called ahead, she didn't know. It was a pricey place, but interesting.

"The chef shops fresh at the market every day, and the day's menu is based on what he buys," he explained.

San Francisco was nothing if not filled with unique restaurants as she was coming to find out.

Bella was more than a little wary of her mystery meal, but as Edward promised, everything was delicious. She told him so and was rewarded by his genuine smile. Whatever was in the air, it seemed to please him that she was having a good time.

From there, they were on to Pier 39 where they took a bay cruise. Everyone was offered a picture before boarding.

"For Mom?"

Bella was frankly surprised he'd asked. She nodded, feeling the stirrings of discomfort when the photographer waved them closer together.

"Don't be shy, kids. We don't mind PDA's here."

Edward moved closer, curling his arm around her waist. It wasn't a loose grip. She looked up at him, surprised to find he was looking at her. His eyes were stormy, conflicted, but not at all cold. She put her hands at his waist, her touch light and unassuming. She smiled up at him tentatively.

"Great. We got it," the photographer said. "No obligation. It'll be here when your boat comes back."

Feeling a little muddled, Bella stepped away from Edward, heading down the gangplank.

The bay cruise was long, but when Edward asked, Bella told him she wanted to be outside. They could sit, but she chose to stand.

She wanted to see Alcatraz at length someday, she reflected, but today wasn't the day. Instead, she watched the island go by from the water as the narrator gave a handful of facts over the loudspeaker.

Her eyes wandered, taking in Edward's profile. He was standing close by. Not close enough that they might be misconstrued as lovers or even very good friends, but he wasn't far.

For a moment, she let her gaze linger. His hair was tousled by the bay breeze. His arms, braced as they were on the rail, were more exposed than usual, and so she could see the definition of his muscles.

He was a beautiful man. She would be blind not to see it, but it struck her particularly hard then.

That was when it hit her - why today felt so surreal. With his defenses down and his anger tucked away, he reminded her so much of the boy he'd been before she broke his heart. He was still there - beautiful in person and personality. He'd been so considerate today. Even fun.

Not hers, she reminded herself.

Fantasy was the picture they picked up when they got off the boat. The man in that photo didn't hate her. He looked, if anything, like a more innocent version of himself, like maybe he adored the woman he was looking at, but he wasn't sure if he was allowed.

That couldn't be reality. Maybe in reality, he was moving toward a place where he didn't hate her, but they weren't friends, let alone... whatever that picture represented.

She was disconcerted, quiet as they started to walk toward Ghirardelli Square. She had no idea what she was supposed to be feeling right then. Her life made absolutely no sense. In Forks, her mother figure was dying, and she hated being away from her. She was here with a man who'd been so cruel to her these last months, and yet she still felt so guilty for the mistakes she made, the depth of the wounds she'd caused. But she was happy today. She couldn't deny she felt lighter than she had in years. She was surrounded by new experiences in a new place with a man who wasn't her friend and wasn't her lover.

His contract only said he had to be civil. He was being more than civil.

Bella let herself be distracted when they found themselves surrounded by street vendors. She bought a black and white picture of the Golden Gate Bridge looking like it was being eaten by fog. Edward took the bag from her, carrying it, and she let him.

"Ice cream?" he asked.

"Is there ever a time when the answer to that question isn't yes?"

He smiled, and they headed up the hill to Ghirardelli's. They ordered simple cones. Edward bought a tin full of chocolates for his parents. They wandered out into the early evening to enjoy the hustle and bustle of the square.

There were dancers out that night moving to the rhythm of a band with a South American influence. They could have been in Rio. They stopped to watch, and Bella laughed as the dancers riled up the crowd.

She gave a yelp of surprise when one of them came up to her, taking her hand and pulling her into the center of the square. His hands on her hips, he moved her in time to the music and, giving in to the mood, Bella let herself feel the music. She danced where he led, feeling, for once, not at all self-conscious. The crowd was with her, cheering her on.

And Edward was watching her with a light in his eyes she would have sworn she'd never seen before.

Out of her peripheral vision, she thought she saw one of the female dancers beckoning to him with a crooked finger. She took the bags from his hands, resting them on a safe ledge by the band before she drew him into the circle with her, moving him as the other dancer had moved Bella. She set him dancing...

And then the two dancers gave Edward and Bella both a gentle shove, sending them into each others arms.

For a second, they were both still.

Then he put his hands on her hips, and she put her arms around his neck.

For minutes, amidst the the encouraging hoots and whistles of the crowd, they danced together, and they smiled.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Little bit of a breather? Maybe?  
> Thanks to songster and barburella for all their help.  
> How are we feeling lovelies? Thoughts? Expectations? Fears?


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: The word whip lash has been thrown around a lot by my pre-readers this chapter. That's all I have to say about that.

Despite the fact they had a gorgeous room waiting for them, Edward and Bella stayed in San Francisco overnight.

Knowing how much she loved science museums, Edward drove to the Exploratorium. When Bella's eyes lit up as she realized what it was, he smiled.

She was supposed to be a scientist by now. What had happened to that dream, he wondered.

He almost asked her.

Instead, he watched her bounce from exhibit to exhibit. She'd always loved how hands on science museums were.

They came across a little girl struggling to raise one half of a metal bar out of soapy water.

"Can I help?" Bella asked as they stepped over.

The little girl nodded. "I'm vewy little. I want to make a big wall!"

"We can do it together." Bella stood by the little girl, nodding at Edward that he should take the other side. He did so. "Now we have to be careful. Slow. Slow. Yeah. Like that."

Rather than watch the bubble wall, Edward watched Bella's face. She and the tiny girl wore matching expressions of wide-eyed fascination. The wall undulated, rainbow colors catching in the light of the building, and they grinned like loons.

Edward felt a warmth blossom at the center of his chest. He blew gently on the wall just to get a reaction out of them. They both protested and then encouraged him as the wall bulged out.

"Awww!" they chorused when the bubble inevitably popped.

They made their way back to Carmel slowly, stopping at little stretches of beach. The coast was gorgeous in this area - sometimes rocky cliffs and other times pristine sand. On one outlet, seals laid on the beach, touchable though Edward and Bella were smarter than that.

The atmosphere between them was confusing to say the least.

Edward woke up in their room in Carmel on the third day of their impromptu honeymoon and again found Bella up before him. She was dressed in a cover up, suggesting she had a bathing suit on underneath.

"It's a little chilly for swimming, isn't it?"

Bella's eyes lingered on his for a moment, as if she was waiting for the punch line or looking for his judgment. "Compared to First Beach, this is a sauna." She offered him a small smile. "I might not go in, but I don't think I've been in the ocean since I was twelve and went to visit my mother." She paused. "Do you want to come with me?"

Her voice was uncertain, like she wasn't at all sure she should be offering.

It was somewhat comforting to know he wasn't the only one struggling with how to navigate this tentative friendship between them. "Not right now."

She nodded and was out the door in the next second, heading for the beach.

Edward tapped his fingers on his legs, glad of the respite. It was good to have a little space from her. Maybe he could think about something else.

Of course, he ended up staring out the window, watching her as she watched the waves.

Minutes ticked by, and Edward didn't move. He kept telling himself he should. He should distract himself. Or if he was going to keep staring at her, maybe he should take her up on her offer. A swim would be distracting. He couldn't remember the last time he'd been in the ocean either.

He remembered the couples they'd passed when they walked along the beach the day before. He remembered their giggles and the way one man had wrapped his arms around the woman's waist, tackling her into the water.

Before he could stop himself, he imagined playing that way with Bella.

His cellphone ringing startled him out of his fantasies, and Edward jumped.

His stomach twisted with instant anxiety. Automatically, his thoughts moved in a darker direction. What if it was his family calling him to tell him...

No. No, he needed more time.

He brought the phone to his ear. "Hello?"

"Edward?"

Edward slumped in relief hearing his mother's voice. "Hi, Mom."

"Hello, honey. Is this a bad time?"

"No. It's fine."

They talked a little about what the happy couple had been up to the last few days. Edward spun her half truths. He played up the fun they'd had. It wasn't as hard as it could have been. He had honestly enjoyed Bella's company, but he played up the romance for Esme's benefit.

"Edward, I love you, but be honest with me."

"What do you-"

"You're still angry."

Edward was quiet for a handful of moments. He swallowed hard. "I'm not angry."

"Yes, you are. You always have been." His mother sighed. "I know if I wasn't sick, you wouldn't have married her."

"Mom-"

"No. You've been my son all your life, Edward," she joked. Then her tone became more serious. "I know you still love her; you've never stopped loving her. But I also know you're holding on to the past with both hands and all your toes."

"I'm-" Edward started to argue, but then he deflated. All things considered, it sounded as though she still wasn't aware his marriage was a complete facade. He could be a son having problems with a relationship. "It's just... I don't understand. We could have had a beautiful life together. It was so needless. All of these things she's never done, we could have done them together. She could have had all of this without all the... angst."

"Oh, sweetheart." Esme sounded almost disappointed. "There is no such thing as life without the angst. She made a mistake. You've made mistakes too. If she hadn't done what she did, it would have been something else. There's never nothing."

"But our life, the life we'd planned-"

"Edward." Esme sounded exasperated. "You are so rigid. You created this perfect life in your head when you were seventeen years old, and you refuse to let it go."

"It was a good life."

"Was it?" She took an unsteady breath. "Think about it, Edward. You've done your best to be the person you promised to be when you were little more than a child. Has it brought you any happiness? You hate the job you and Bella chose together."

"I don't hate it."

"Edward," she warned.

"I don't. I'm good at what I do. I've been successful."

"Success isn't the same as happiness. And yes, I know you, dear. I know you think you could have been happy if Bella hadn't done what she did all those years ago. But you wouldn't have been happy if you didn't learn how to change. You can't be that teenage boy forever."

Edward said nothing. His head spun around her words, but he was also worried about the way she'd begun to slur them. She sounded exhausted.

"You should lie down, Mom."

Esme gave a withering sigh ending in a stuttering breath. "I suppose I should. You have a wife to get back to, after all." Her sigh was wistful. "Swim with her in the ocean, Edward. It's surprisingly romantic. There's a reason why old time filmmakers used the waves crashing on the beach as a metaphor for orgasm."

"Mom!" Edward protested.

Her laugh was weak. "Go on, son." She panted between words. "I'll see you. When you get home."

"I love you, Mom."

"I love you, Edward. Always."

Edward hung up the phone somewhat reluctantly, staring at it for a moment longer. His stomach twisted, and he had an intense need to be back home by his mother's side again. For a second, the need was so powerful he couldn't breathe, and his head spun crazily.

Tomorrow evening. Tomorrow evening they would be back on a plane home.

Edward blew out a slow breath, his head bowed as he tried not to think.

He jumped a moment later when a wayward branch hit the window. Hard.

Narrowing his eyes, Edward got to his feet and peered out the window. "I'll be damned," he murmured under his breath.

In the half hour or so that he'd been talking to his mother, the weather had changed dramatically. Dark clouds had rolled in and the wind picked up. Edward furrowed his brow in concern as he walked into the living room, scanning the beach.

Bella was nowhere to be seen. Her towel was still on the beach, crumpled over on itself as it was tossed around in the wind.

For some reason, discomfort settled like a stone in the pit of his stomach. He stepped forward, quickly moving to the porch. It was chilly outside. Chilly enough that Edward pulled his jacket tighter around him.

Still no sign of Bella.

His nerves twisted.

The water was choppy. Very choppy. The waves were high.

His memories flashed back to just an hour ago when Bella was debating whether or not she wanted to brave the cool temperature to go for a swim.

Edward's steps picked up. His eyes were scanning the shoreline, but all he saw was white capped waves.

A kid ran by, calling backward to his brother. "Hurry up! There's someone in the water."

Edward started running.

Sure enough, there was a small crowd gathered on the beach, looking out toward the water. Some official looking people were keeping the crowd back, away from the dangerous waves. Someone was in danger, and he was suddenly terrified he knew who it was.

"Bella!" he yelled, and he ran faster.

His mind was blank, his every thought wrapped around a single emotion: fear.

Because it would serve him right if it ended this way. Hadn't his mother just told him how precious life was? Hadn't she been trying to get him to see that time could run out in a heartbeat?

 _Not her. Not her. Not her_. "Bella!"

He was about to grab one of the guys who was already holding his hand out in a stopping motion when he heard his name being called.

Edward whirled around. "Bella?"

Bella stepped forward out of the crowd, and he ran to her, sweeping her up in a tight hug. He murmured her name over and over, so profoundly relieved he hardly knew what he was doing. He took her face in his hands, and he kissed her.

Her hair was soaking wet as he tangled his fingers in her hair. Her skin was ice. Her startled cry was muffled against his lips. Edward was only vaguely aware that her body, pressed against his, was just as wet as her hair under the coverall she was wearing. She had been in the water.

Since he'd sprinted down the beach, he was already out of breath. He broke their kiss, holding her tightly in his arms. "You scared the hell out of me."

"S-s-sorry."

She was shivering. Hard. "Oh, Bella." He let her go so he could shrug out of his sweater.

"I'm fine," she said, blinking at him as though she were slightly dazed. At his prompting, she put her arms through the sleeves of his sweater. Her gaze was wide on him, watching as he zipped her up.

"You're freezing." He rubbed her shoulders. "Let's get inside."

"I want to see what happened t-"

"Bella, please," he pleaded. Anxiety was still his primary emotion. He needed her to be okay. Though he saw her whole and fine in front of him, his world still felt too shaky. "Please let me get you inside. And warm. Whatever happens, I'm sure we'll hear about it." Maybe it was callous, but he cared much more about Bella being safe in that moment than he did about the person who was trapped out in the water.

She studied him for a moment before she nodded. "Okay," she said quietly.

At first, he only held her hand as they walked silently but quickly back to their room. But when he saw that she was still shivering, he tucked her under his arm and brought her fingertips to his lips, blowing warmth into them.

By the time they got to the room his panic had ebbed somewhat. The air around them seemed heavy again, though not malevolent. Just strange, somehow.

Edward didn't know how to process what he was feeling.

Bella stepped away from him as they got indoors. "I, um... I'm going to take a shower."

He nodded. "Good. Yes. That's a good idea." He moved to the heater, turning it up a few degrees to chase the chill from the rooms.

As the shower started, Edward sunk down on the bed, his head in his hands, his thoughts spinning wildly.

What he wanted was to say his concern for Bella was the same as he would have felt for anyone, but it wasn't. It just wasn't. When the idea that she'd been swept out into a violent sea had occurred to him, his heart, his soul, had screamed out with a pain he didn't know how to describe.

It was different. It was so different than when she'd broken his heart. For those minutes of panic, it was as though his heart was gone - ripped out of him forcibly. The idea that her existence could be snuffed out was too much, too unbearable.

Because he loved her. He loved her still.

These last few days, he'd been trying to be her friend, but there was something awkward about it. Yes, some of that could be attributed to his lingering anger, but some of it was also what he'd told her when he was drunk off his ass.

He didn't know how to be her friend. He didn't think it was possible.

Sitting on the bed, thinking about how his first reaction to seeing her alive and well had been to kiss her and never let her go, Edward couldn't deny that fact. He was in love with her. Still. Again. He didn't know.

Edward gripped his hair in both his fists, tugging tightly, trying to get a handle on the overwhelming feeling that rose in him then. It was a very different kind of panic, because what was he supposed to do with this?

He was still so angry. Was he supposed to forgive her? He couldn't forget. And how could this end well either way? Was he supposed to pursue her? She couldn't still love him - not after the way he'd treated her. But she'd destroyed him once. His anger was righteous. He-

The door to the bathroom opened, and Bella stood there in dry clothes, her hair up in a towel and the look in her eyes, as ever, uncertain.

Edward stood and walked to her. For a few moments, he let his thoughts fade away and acted on instinct. He cupped her cheek, seeing again that she was just fine and in front of him.

He stepped closer and tugged the towel, watching her wet hair fall down her back. Idly, he ran his fingers through her hair, combing it out.

Her lips were parted, her eyes on his, watching. She looked as tongue-tied as he felt.

Was he going to kiss her again? He wanted to. Right then, he wanted to pretend the last eight years hadn't happened.

But they had.

Dropping his hand, Edward stepped back again, turning away.

"Why didn't you ever go to school?" The question came out as a bark, his voice was that rough.

Bella didn't answer right away. "What?"

He could hardly blame her for her confusion. It was a very random question given the circumstances, but it was the first one that came to mind. All things considered, it was one of the more tame questions wandering around his head.

"It's been eight years since you graduated. How have you not made it back to school in all that time?"

She huffed. "You really want to talk about this?"

"You said you wanted to talk. We're talking." His tone was flat, and he hadn't turned around to face her yet. He stared out the window at the palm trees in the wind.

"I really don't have a great answer for you. Life just happened that way." She took a deep breath. "I decided not to go to school right away. Some people do that, you know. I decided-"

"Please don't lie to me."

Bella was silent. "I'm not-"

"Your father told me you didn't get into Dartmouth." He finally did turn around then and found Bella was perched on the very edge of the bed. She was looking down, her shoulders rising and falling sharply. "Why didn't you ever tell me that, Bella?" He could hear the desperation in his own voice, but he couldn't temper it. "What, were you too embarrassed?"

"Yes!" She surprised him by shouting, her gaze on fire as she looked up. But just as quickly as the fire rose, it receded, and he caught a glimpse of pure pain as she looked away again. "I mean... But that wasn't the point."

"So what was the point?" he demanded, anger returning quickly. "Rather than talk to me, rather than let us figure out where to go together, you decided this was the better way?"

She wrapped her arms around her shoulders. "It wasn't. You want to know why I didn't go to school? Because I felt so sick about what I did, I could barely function at first. I knew it was the wrong thing, but by the time I figured it out, it was too late." She shook her head. "I swear, Edward. I did it for you."

"That's such bullshit!" He had to close his eyes and take a deep breath. He flexed his fingers at his side before he tried to speak again. "You never bothered to find out what I wanted because you thought what? That I'd be ashamed of you?"

"No." But she didn't sound sure as she denied it.

"Why didn't you know me better than that? I  _never_  would have been ashamed of you. Who the fuck cares if you didn't meet some school's metric?"

"I just wanted you to have your dreams, to be happy, and I was just going to hold you back—"

"You were my dream, Bella!" he roared loud enough to make her jump. Again he had to take a deep breath. He could only calm himself down enough not to put his fist through the wall. His tone was still hard and too loud. "You didn't want to hold me back? Well, congratulations. You certainly got that wish. You wanted me to be happy? Well, I guess one out of two isn't all bad."

She bit her lip, turning away again to hide the tears that fell from the corners of her eyes. Edward's heart twisted. He still hated to see her cry. He still wanted nothing more than to go to her, take her in his arms and make it better.

But dammit, she had put them here. She had done this.

Edward began to pace.

"So let me get this straight. You 'gave me up' so that I could go off and pursue my dreams while you stayed in Forks and did what?" This was the part that, if anything, made him go absolutely out of his mind. She had every potential to have an amazing life. He'd built an amazing life without her. His mother was right - it wasn't a life he wanted, but it wasn't so... sad. "Play martyr? Because the way I see it, all you've done for the last eight years is absolutely nothing. And I'm supposed to feel grateful?"

At this she got to her feet. "You know nothing about my life. You don't know what I've done these last eight years. How fucking dare you call it nothing? And really, you have no right to judge me."

"Oh, I have no right?"

"No. You don't. Yes, I made a mistake, Edward, but you believed me. You believed all that bullshit I fed you. Why didn't  _you_  know me better?" She threw his words from just a few minutes before back in his face.

Edward blinked, a little stunned.

"You didn't fight for me. You just let me go!"

They were both breathing hard, glaring at each other from across the room. "So it was some sort of test?"

"No," she said, scoffing. "Of course it wasn't." She sounded like she was trying to convince herself as much as him. "It wasn't on purpose!" she blurted out. "I didn't do it on purpose. It felt like the right thing, and you never told me it was wrong. You gave up. I was your dream? If we were so perfect together, if that was what you wanted, why did you just let me go?"

Before Edward could even begin to process that, his cell phone rang. He brought it to his ear without thinking. "What?" he growled into the phone.

"Edward?"

It was Alice. She was obviously crying.

"Edward, you need to come home right now."

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: So many thanks to Barburella and songster for helping me piece the fragments together.
> 
> SO. Um. Hi. How are you doing?


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Many thanks to Tisket for sharing her first hand account of watching a loved one battle this particular type of cancer. *hugs*
> 
> Short but far from sweet. *holds your hands*

Bella was frightfully certain Edward was going to go out of his mind.

He would have fared better if they could drive home, though the couple of hours from Carmel to San Francisco had been nerve wracking to say the least.

While Edward drove, cursing up a storm at everyone on the road, Bella scoured the net on her phone looking for the earliest possible flight back home.

They'd left their luggage back in the suite, so when they got to security, it was just them, Bella's purse, her duffle bag, and Edward's briefcase. Knowing he was close to spontaneous combustion, Bella took Edward's hand. She prompted him to take off his shoes and kept him moving.

"Don't even think about yelling at the security people, Edward." She stood on her tiptoes so she could murmur the warning in his ear right before he snapped at one of the TSA officials who was just doing his job.

Esme was bad off. She'd taken a turn very suddenly, almost as soon as she'd gotten off the phone with Edward early that morning. The hospice nurse the doctor sent said it could be days or it could be hours. It was hard to say. When she was awake, Esme was beyond speech. It wouldn't be long.

They'd hardly gotten past security before Edward was on the phone again, talking to Alice, and then his father. From the half of the conversation she heard, they were encouraging him to say goodbye now. Edward was resisting. Hard.

"You said the nurse said it could be days... I know. I know she's in pain, but..."

Taking his briefcase from his hands, Bella pushed him in the direction of the gate, telling him she would be right back. She doubted he even heard her, but she wanted to give him space.

Well, she wanted to give him space, and she needed a moment to herself. Safely around the corner, she sunk into a squat, dropping the briefcase and her bags to the floor as she clapped a hand over her mouth.

For a handful of moments, she let the pain have her.

Of course, these last few months they'd all known this day would come. This was the inevitable outcome, the inescapable fate. But knowing it was coming and being caught up in the middle of it were two different things.

The need for more time was palpable, a physical part of her like an arm or a leg or her heart pumping in her chest.

How many times over these last few months, watching Esme's face contort in pain, had Bella wished for an end? It was unbearable to see, and she'd writhed because she was helpless to stop it. During the worst times with Edward, it was what kept her going. What was her psychological suffering to Esme's torment?

It all had an end. When Bella knew Esme was too far gone to be cured, she knew in some part of her she'd refused to acknowledge that when she was praying for an end, she was praying for her mother-figure's death. That was the only relief left. That was the only peace Esme would be offered.

Yet she understood exactly where Edward was coming from. As much as she wanted to take away Esme's pain, she also wanted her to remain. It was a selfish wish, she knew. Impossible.

Grief was crushing. Bella's shoulders trembled from the effort of keeping herself upright. What she wanted to do was curl up on the ground. Surely this pain was too great and the mercy of unconsciousness was right around the corner. She didn't want to do this, didn't want to go through this. She felt like a toddler, pulling back on her parent's hand, howling and digging her feet into the ground because she absolutely did not want this to happen.

"Ma'am. Are you okay? Ma'am?"

Bella gasped, realizing at that moment she hadn't taken a breath in far too many seconds. Her lungs ached. Her heart ached.

No, she was definitely not okay.

"Ma'am? Do you need a doctor?"

Bella shook her head, taking in another unsteady breath. Her thoughts were trying to scramble away to a safe, happy place where she wasn't about to lose a woman she loved so much.

But there wasn't anything to be done. There was nowhere to run. Denial or not, this was going to happen.

And Edward needed her. No matter how Bella felt, Esme wasn't her mother. She wasn't going to lose her mother today or tomorrow. Renee would live to see another Christmas, another birthday, her grandchildren born. Esme wouldn't, and of the two of them, it was Edward who was suffering more because of it.

Opening her eyes, Bella took the offered hand of her concerned fellow traveler, letting the man help her up. "I'm... I'm sorry," she stumbled. "I... My mother-in-law is dying, and we're trying to get to her. I just needed a moment."

The man's eyes went soft with compassion. "Oh, hon. That's hard, that's so hard." He took a hesitant step forward. "Can I hug you?"

Bella's soul ached with need. "I would really like that," she said in a whisper.

The man took her in his arms, holding her tightly. Thank goodness for the kindness of strangers, Bella thought numbly. She clung to him for a few seconds, taking the comfort she so desperately needed, and when he let go, she felt like she could breathe again.

"Thank you." She wiped tears away from her eyes and sniffled. "I should get back to my husband."

"Peace be with you."

Bella smiled a watery but genuine smile at the man before she headed back to the gate.

As soon as she saw Edward, she regretted leaving him. He was by the window, pacing five steps forward and back in the limited space. His hands were gripped in his hair, and the way he had it standing on end, he looked deranged.

Bella's heart skipped a beat when she saw people were looking. A security guard was headed toward him, his gait purposeful. Bella hurried to close the distance between them.

"Mister-" the man began, but Bella got to him then, touching his arm.

"Please," she pleaded, stepping close enough so she could lower her voice. "His mother is dying, and he's far away. He's distraught. I shouldn't have left him. Please. I have him now."

The hard look on the man's face softened, and he nodded. "My condolences," he said quietly. "But if he disturbs the other passengers..."

"He won't," Bella said quickly. "I'll make sure."

To that end, Bella got right in Edward's path, holding her hands out in a stopping motion. He stumbled, looking up at her with eyes that didn't see.

She called his name gently, but he didn't look at her. His lips were parted, his breath ragged. "Sit down, okay?"

"I'm-" he started to argue, but Bella stepped right up to him, her hands around his arms.

"You're scaring the other passengers. If you get us kicked out of the airport, it'll take us that much longer to get there."

Edward huffed, but he took a few steps backward and sat heavily in one of the chairs. He slumped forward, his head bowed.

Bella knelt in front of him, working her fingers under his clenched fists. "Talk to me, Edward. I'm right here."

His features were twisted. "I can't," he whispered.

"Just talk to me." She wound her fingers through his.

He hung his head, gasping quietly for breath. "I can't do it," he finally said. His voice was so thin, she almost didn't hear him.

"Can't do what?" she prompted.

"I can't lose her yet. Not yet." He sucked in a breath. "I can't, Bella. I'm not ready." He slumped right out of his seat, onto his knees by her, as though he was unable to hold himself up.

What Bella wanted to do was crumple with him. She wasn't ready either. She would never be ready.

She took a deep breath, wrapping Edward up in her arms and sitting up straight. She was going to be strong enough to hold him upright.

Because she didn't have the words to make it better, Bella didn't say anything. She rocked him, stroking her fingers through the hair at the nape of his neck. She held him as he tried to breathe.

Only a few minutes went by before their flight began boarding. Edward stood, pressing his fists into his eyes and breathing in and out for a few seconds before he stepped away from her and picked up his briefcase. Transferring both her bags to one shoulder, Bella reached for his hand. She continuously rubbed her thumb over his knuckles as the line shuffled forward.

Edward was beyond restless. The way he squirmed in his seat, bouncing his leg was worse than any toddler. He didn't let go of Bella's hand for longer than was absolutely necessary.

It seemed to take an eon before they were finally taking off.

As soon as they could put their tray tables down, Bella dug the puzzle book out of her bag. She flipped until she found a word search. "Edward." She tugged his hand. "Help me with this." A word search didn't take much thought. She knew he wouldn't have been able to concentrate on the other puzzles that took some thinking, but she hoped the word search might distract him.

He blew out a sharp breath, clenching the fingers of his free hand on top of his knee several times before he bent forward slightly. When he pressed the pad of his finger to the beginning of one word, dragging it downward to show her where it was, Bella felt the knot in her stomach loosen slightly.

The flight from San Francisco to Seattle was relatively short, but it might as well have been a flight to New Zealand. Bella was well aware of every minute, every second.

These were the last hours Esme Cullen would ever have, and this was how Bella and Edward were spending them.

Edward pushed the book away. "I shouldn't have left her. This trip... We shouldn't have gone."

"It was what she wanted." Bella was surprised when he took her hands of his own volition. She swallowed hard and squeezed his fingers. "You've said everything you wanted to say, haven't you?"

"You think it's enough?" His voice was rough.

"No." Loosing one hand from his, she cupped his cheek tenderly. "It won't ever be enough."

His shuddered and leaned his forehead against hers.

Somehow, they made it through the rest of the flight. Esme was asleep but breathing when they landed. Jasper was there to pick them up.

They were still a good three and a half hours from home.

Jasper made it in three.

Bella was right on Edward's heels as they raced into the house and upstairs.

Then, after so many hours of driving, of flying, of just needing to be in this very room, everything went still. Time slowed to a crawl.

Carlisle sat on the bed, his back against the headboard, his wife's limp hand in his. He didn't look away from her even as Edward and Bella shuffled into the room.

Sitting at their mother's bedside, Alice stood up and crossed quickly. She hugged Edward tightly, and then she hugged Bella because there were no enemies at moments like these. "I'm glad you're home," was all she said.

And Esme...

She looked so tiny in the huge bed. Her skin and what few wisps of hair she had left were so drained of color, the effect was surreal. She was a ghost of the vibrant woman she'd been - wasted, small, and so still, Bella was almost certain they were too late. The rise and fall of her chest was so subtle, it was easy to miss.

"I'm here, Momma," Edward whispered to his mother as he took the seat closest to her head. He clutched her hand, his voice breaking. "I'm right here now."

Esme didn't stir, at least, not then.

The hospice nurse spoke to them softly, but Bella hardly heard her. She understood Esme's body was shutting down. She understood it would be sooner than later.

It was only about a half hour after Edward and Bella arrived that Esme opened her eyes. They all gasped. No one had expected her to wake up again.

"Mom?" Edward said.

Esme's head turned slowly toward him. Her gaze was bleary, but she smiled. It was barely a hint, barely a lift of her dried, cracked lips, but it was there. She smiled at her son. Then her eyes flicked to Alice. And then Bella.

Her breath was ragged, and it obviously took some effort, but she turned her head finally to her husband.

"Sweetheart," Carlisle whispered, sliding down so he was laying beside her. He cradled her face in his hands, pressing against her so they were nose to nose.

Bella's heart shattered at the sight. She'd never known a couple so in love as Esme and Carlisle. She couldn't imagine him alone. The idea hurt.

Everything hurt.

Esme let out a huff of breath, her eyes closing again.

The unshed tears in Carlisle's eyes brimmed over, falling to the pillow beneath his head. His lower lip trembled, but he pressed them tight together, and gathered her closer. "We love you," he whispered, his lips against her ear. "I love you. Always."

He kissed her. "Rest, sweet girl. Rest now," he whispered to her.

Edward's hand was on her shoulder, Bella's on her arm, and Alice's fingers wrapped around hers.

Her breath came and went, came and went, came and went.

And stopped.

Carlisle's breath whined in the back of his throat as he closed his eyes and kissed her forehead, her nose, her still lips. Alice sobbed. Edward bowed his head. Standing behind Alice, Jasper rubbed her shoulders.

Bella wept quietly.

The nurse came forward, gently pulling Carlisle far enough away that she could press her stethoscope to Esme's chest. She listed a moment, and then put a comforting hand to Carlisle's shoulder.

"She's gone."

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: So. Thank you to ginny and shug for their approval. Thank you to songster for handholding. Thank you to Barburella for being Barburella.
> 
> How are we, kids?
> 
> *hugs*


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: *hugs* for all of you who've had to watch a loved one die. I lost my sister eleven years ago (holy crap...really?) after a ten year battle with Huntington's Disease. I've been around when two grandparents died. Death is a part of life, but it sucks.

Watching the attendants wrap his mother's body was probably the worst part. That was the moment it struck Edward that his mother was well and truly gone - completely out of his reach. The body being taken out of the house was a husk, a shell. Everything that made Esme herself was no longer part of the physical world.

Edward had always taken for granted that his mother would be there. When he spent so much time away from his family, he always knew he could come home. He always knew his parents, his mother would be there.

Now he was home, but home would never be complete again.

He couldn't dwell, though. When his mother was borne away, his father fell apart. Carlisle babbled at first - a long list of things they had to do, none of which could be done at two in the morning. Still, he ticked them off on his fingers, his eyes staring forward, unseeing.

"Dad," Alice said.

When Carlisle went on as if he hadn't heard, Edward squeezed his arm. "Dad."

Carlisle stilled.

And crumpled.

Between them, Alice and Edward managed to lead him to bed. Not his bed; none of them were prepared for that, but to Alice's.

When Edward and Alice were children, it was Esme who was gone on business from time to time. Cities would contact her from across the country, and she would do a little consultation work. It was a week or two here and there when it would be just Carlisle and his children.

Every once in a while, especially when Esme was gone, Alice would get horrendous nightmares. She would wake up sobbing, and Carlisle would come lay down with her. Not to be left out, Edward usually ended up in his sister's room as well, curling up under the covers. They would fall asleep like this - both children clinging to their father.

Now they squeezed into the same bed again. It didn't matter that Edward and Alice were grown. They clung to each other. Alice cuddled Carlisle, and they both cried. Edward held on to his father and sister for a long time until they finally cried themselves into an exhausted sleep.

It was bizarre how Edward's body could feel so drained, so devoid of energy and yet his mind wouldn't let him rest. There was that too familiar helplessness again - the same restless energy that had made him tear open raw wounds to find Bella again because it was the only thing he could do for his mother.

What now? What could he do?

When he was sure Carlisle and Alice were deeply asleep, Edward carefully eased himself out of bed. He busied himself for minutes, finding a spare blanket to put over them. That done, he began to wander aimlessly.

Lost in his thoughts, it took Edward some time to figure out he was hearing soft weeping. Quickly, he turned on his heel and poked his head in Alice's room, but she and Carlisle were both still sleeping, if not peacefully than at least without the awareness the oppressive grief brought with it.

The sound, Edward discovered, was coming from Carlisle's office. It was Bella, he figured out belatedly, but when he stepped up to the door, he saw that Bella wasn't alone. She was sitting at the window seat, cradled in Jasper's arms.

"You're okay, sugar. You're okay."

His fingers were in her hair, her head tucked up against her shoulder.

Something churned in Edward's gut, a different kind of discomfort, bile that burned in the pit of his stomach. His hands clenched in fists at his side, and he almost charged into the room.

Bella's wavering voice stopped him. "I'm sorry."

"Don't apologize, Bella." Jasper pulled back and wiped the tears off her face with gentle strokes of his fingertips. "I get the feeling you've needed a hug for a while now."

Turning away from the door, Edward stumbled a few feet down the hallway. He leaned up against the wall, tilting his head back.

The world he lived in was so warped.

Bella was his wife. He should be the one holding her. He should not have been the reason she needed to be held so badly.

He'd tried to tell himself she didn't care. If she really cared for Esme, she would have been there. All this time, he'd conveniently ignored the fact that Esme was his own mother, and he'd still stayed away though he loved and cared for her.

Esme gave Bella a mother's love when Renee had left her behind, unwanted. These last few months would have been hell on her anyway, but he'd made it so much worse. She'd had no one. It was true he'd never intended to take her friends away, but what choice had he left her with? Would any of them really understand what she was doing?

His throat felt tight when he remembered Emmett's accusing eyes. " _I can't say I'd be surprised at this point if she ends up missing or dead so you can collect on the insurance money_."

And he hadn't even known the half of it.

Edward thought his heart couldn't get any heavier. It was a creative organ, he thought to himself, constantly figuring out new ways to ache.

And his thoughts were so snarled up in his head, Edward couldn't honestly say he knew which way was up at that point. He was drowning.

"Oh, Edward."

Edward looked over to see Bella and Jasper had come out of Carlisle's office. Bella had her hand to her heart. "You scared me," she said on a breath. "I didn't know you were awake."

"I haven't slept," Edward said, his tone dull.

Jasper's eyes were cautious, but he nodded at Edward. "How's Carlisle?"

"Not good." Edward shook his head slowly. "But he's asleep. So is Alice. Looks like you're in the guest room."

"I can handle that. Daddies come first."

Edward pushed himself off the wall and almost instantly stumbled forward.

Bella was by his side in an instant, her arm around his waist. "Look at you,. Edward. You're going to fall over." She tightened her grip on him, leading him forward. "Come on. If you can't sleep, you should at least lie down."

She looked over her shoulder long enough to say goodnight and thank Jasper one more time before she guided Edward up the stairs and into their room.

Lost in broken, not-quite-coherent thoughts, Edward didn't say anything at first. When she pushed him gently, he sat on the bed. She only hesitated a moment before she sunk down on her knees before him, beginning to untie his shoelaces.

Edward's heart twisted for different reasons now.

In spite of the hell he'd put her through, she was still taking care of him. It was a level of kindness he almost couldn't comprehend, and he certainly didn't deserve.

Reaching down, he fitted his palm to her cheek. With her hand cupped around his shoe to take it off, she froze and looked up at him slowly.

She was waiting for his anger; he could see it in her eyes. She was watching, unsure of how he was going to react.

He wanted to be angry. Anger was preferable to this unfathomable grief. But even the idea of anger made him tired, so tired. For all it burned - hot as fire - anger left him cold at his core. Maybe he could blame it on Bella that he hadn't gotten to see his mother's last truly conscious moments, but it wasn't her fault. He'd dragged her into this mess. If he hadn't been playing at marriage, Esme never would have ordered him away from her side.

Edward didn't have any words left. He had so much to say to her, but he didn't know how to begin.

Instead of speaking, he took her hands, tugging until she got the idea and got up off the floor. He pulled her down onto the bed. She was already barefoot, or he would have swapped places, taken care of her at least that little bit. As it was, he kicked off his own shoes. Leaning forward, he tilted his head forward, resting it against hers. "Will you stay with me?"

It was selfish to ask; he knew it was. Still, he didn't think he could stand being alone in his bed tonight. He wanted to let go of consciousness, but he wouldn't if left to his own devices.

Who knew when it had happened, but Bella was his shelter, the dry, steady land that promised refuge from raging sea.

How quickly life could change. That morning she'd been a volcano on his horizon: terrible beauty promising impending destruction. Now the anger was a memory. It had no tangible power, eclipsed as it was by the sheer mass of the loss he felt.

For once in these long months, he didn't have the strength to pretend he didn't want Bella back in his arms.

Bella looked confused. "Where else am I going to go?"

"No, I mean... Will you stay with me? Here?"

She studied him for a moment, but she nodded. "Of course."

Edward breathed a sigh of relief. He turned down the covers on one side of the bed, looking at her expectantly. Bella crawled under the covers.

He hated the trepidation in her eyes. She was still waiting for him to explode it seemed. With his anger as broken as the rest of him for the moment, he could see clearly that he'd done a number on her.

Sighing inwardly, he climbed into bed. He scooted close to her, desperate for the warmth of her body, and put a hand lightly at her waist. He looked up into her eyes, hoping against hope she wasn't uncomfortable with his touch, his nearness.

Bella only lifted her hand to his cheek, then his hair. The tightness around her eyes gentled, and all he saw before she reached back to shut off the light was tenderness in her expression.

Shuddering - he hadn't understood how much he needed that slight bit of affection until he had it - Edward scooted close enough that their bodies were brushing. Neither of them had bothered to get undressed.

With Bella's fingers running through his hair, after what had to be the longest day of his life, Edward finally fell asleep.

**_~0~_ **

Bella woke suddenly, knowing something was wrong.

It took her a full minute to blink sleep away. She was unnaturally tired - the kind of tired that only happened when she had been pulled out of slumber prematurely. It was a confusing space to be in because the light was strong in the room. It was full on morning now, which meant she should have been closer to being awake.

There was a heaviness at her lungs, squeezing her heart, that made Bella press a hand to her chest. She ached. It was a strange pain - physical and yet...

Her eyes flew open.

It was a different world than the one she'd woken up to.

It felt as though her heart was made of glass, and when the realization that Esme's illness and death were real settled like a stone slab on her chest, it shattered. The jagged pieces tore violently into her lungs knocking her breathless. There were sharp shards digging into her side, her throat...the hollow place her heart used to be.

And there was a sound so filled with sorrow, Bella wanted to weep.

Edward, she realized.

For the second time in her life she had fallen asleep in Edward's arms. Then she'd fallen asleep with a heavy heart and a lump in her throat too, but Edward had been blissfully oblivious of what she was about to do to him.

He was far from blissful now.

The sorrow-filled sound she heard was his soft crying. His eyes were closed, but his entire face, his body, screamed his distress. He was mumbling, "Momma," over and over and over.

Hand on his shoulder, Bella gave him a shake. "Edward. Wake up."

Edward came awake with a start, blinking red-rimmed eyes at her. He looked so much like a lost little boy then, his shoulders hunched as if he'd just woken from a nightmare crying for a mother that would never come.

For a handful of seconds, he breathed in and out slowly, as though he were about to get control of himself, but Bella wasn't sure that was a good idea. As much as it twisted her heart to see him like this, he needed a good cry. He hadn't cried at all the day before.

Snuggling closer to him, she moved her hand to the nape of his neck, stroking his hair and skin. "Let go," she whispered, her lips near his ear. "It's okay. It's going to be okay."

His breath hitched, and he clutched her suddenly. "It's not," he said raggedly. "It's really not."

He was right. It wasn't.

She held him, and he held her. His tears came on slowly, his grief pouring out as his arms tightened around her. Bella closed her eyes, letting a tear fall, but she breathed in deep knowing he needed someone to be strong for him.

"Shh, shh," she murmured, kissing the side of his hair. "She's not in pain anymore. That's the important thing, right?"

"I want her back. I just want her back." His voice was muffled against her shoulder.

"I know. I know."

Edward growled suddenly and pulled back. His eyes were closed against the tears that continued to fall. "I don't... I don't want..."

Instead of speaking, his body lurched. He caught her face between his hands and kissed her. Bella gave a little yelp. Her mind went blank.

Her mind went blank.

And suddenly, she was on exactly the same page. She knew what he wanted.

Grief was a suffocating, consuming emotion. It was an agony that couldn't be soothed. There was no choice but to live and breathe through it until it passed. Weeks. Months. Years. Who knew how long this pain would have him, have them, and this day was the apex of that pain. It was unbearable and maddening.

Inescapable.

Death so often brought on neediness in the ones left behind. Bella was Edward's comfort. She knew she was. If she wasn't, he wouldn't have clung to her as he had the night, the day before. As Jasper had pointed out, she was starved for physical affection.

They could do this. Helplessness left behind a kinetic energy that cried out to be spent. They were lost in an overabundance of emotion. The panacea, however brief a respite it might grant, was something physical.

Hard. Fast. Desperate.

Exactly the way Edward was kissing her, was clutching her shoulders, pulling her roughly against him.

Bella gave in readily, returning his kisses and touches with equal fervency. There was a flurry of motion: the tugging and pulling and yanking of clothing. Then Edward's hand was between her legs and hers was wrapped around his cock.

Their bodies moved in tandem, all instinct and pent up emotion. He pushed her onto her back, and she gave him that control easily. Her legs spread to accept him, and he pushed into her without preamble. This wasn't an act of love or desire, but it wasn't bad.

It was nice to feel not bad. It was nice that the world, so overwhelming and out of control at the moment, dwindled down to just the two of them and the space they moved in. It was even nice to give herself over to the physicality of the experience. There was an ache, a burn inside her, because it had been a while. The feel of him inside her, thick and hot, was exquisite.

Then she made the mistake of opening her eyes, and the thoughts she'd been outrunning cried out for attention.

This was not some random body. This was Edward. Whatever this was or wasn't about, they had a complicated history.

His eyes opened only a handful of seconds after hers, and Bella could tell the moment what he was doing caught up with him. Their rhythm had been aggressive; outrunning grief wasn't an easy task by any means. They'd worked up a frantic momentum. But when he looked at her, the atmosphere between them shifted, their movements slowed.

Just like that, their bodies were having the conversation they'd been avoiding. What was sex, after all, besides a means of communication. It was why making love was so much more powerful an act than a random encounter with a stranger.

Edward shuddered, closing the distance between them again and claiming her lips. It was a hard kiss, demanding, and his hips pinned her down to the bed.

_Why did you do it? Can't you feel this? Why did you destroy us before we could really begin?_

She pressed the tiniest of kisses against his neck, a mere brush of her lips, and rocked her hips against his.  _I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I was young and stupid and proud. I've regretted it every day since then. Every day. I'd do anything to take it back. Anything._

Shifting, she bent her knees and wrapped her legs around him, digging her heels into his back.  _But why did you treat me like trash?_ She threaded her fingers in his hair, tugging hard enough that he gasped.  _Why did you remember me by the worst thing I'd ever done? Why did you forget every day except that day?_

She buried her head at his neck, biting down on his skin ever so slightly.

_Why was every good day, all our best days, so easy to forget?_

Reaching back, he took her hands and pinned them to the mattress on either side of her head. He kissed her again, rocking into her with quick strokes. This kiss was gentler. An apology.

_I'm sorry. I don't hate you. I'm sorry I tried to._

She kissed him back, threading their fingers together, raising her hips to his.

_I'm sorry, too. I don't hate you. I won't._

Bella squeezed around him, coaxing him to orgasm as she nipped at his lips. His breath was hot against her mouth, and when he was spent, his body was heavy on hers. She didn't mind the weight. It was reassuring somehow.

A strange peace settled over her then. The pain of loss was still there, but it was, for the moment, quiet. She and Edward still had so much to talk about. Laying there with him, Bella had no idea what would happen, or what she wanted to happen with them, and she knew there was no shortage of things that would need to be dealt with soon.

Nothing was solved. Nothing was settled.

But something was better.

Whatever this was, it didn't hurt, and that was something.

Edward kissed her, a soft, quick, sweet kiss to the corner of her mouth before he rolled to the side. She came with him, brushing her fingers across his cheek so he would know she felt this change - whatever it was.

"Can you sleep?" she asked, her voice scratchy.

He looked uncertain. "I should probably get up." It sounded as though it was the last thing he wanted to do.

"The house is still quiet." She brushed her fingers through his hair. "Sleep. Just for a little while longer."

He sighed, but his eyes closed almost immediately. "Bella?" The word was a mumble; he was already mostly gone.

"Yeah?"

"Thank you."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Sooooo... that happened. Don't look at me. I don't have control over them. I'm just the author.
> 
> Thank you to songster and barburella. And thanks to all of you for your response to this story.
> 
> What are we thinking, hmm?


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: My mojo has been sickly lately. For any of you who are reading Table 7, I'd appreciate it if you sent good vibes in the direction of that fic... or Good Vibrations for that matter. Neither of them want to work for me.
> 
> BUT. That means you get more CB, so... onwards! *hugs*

Edward woke up slowly, disoriented. His thoughts were fuzzy, which was probably a good thing considering the way his head was pounding. Thinking only could have made it worse.

It took about five seconds for the haze of sleep to leave him and reality to hit him like a punch to the gut, rendering him breathless.

For the second time, Edward had awoken in a world where his mother didn't exist. For the second time, he realized he would wake up in that world for the rest of his life.

Just like the first time, the thought was too much to bear. Unlike the first time, Edward was distracted by the rest of his memories catching up to him.

He was naked. And sticky. And alone in his bed.

Of course he was alone. Three hours has passed since he woke up the first time, and it had already been morning then. There was no doubt everyone else was already up and about, facing this day - the first day of the rest of their new lives.

Grabbing his towel, Edward stumbled toward the bathroom. There, he leaned forward, resting his head against the cool tile as the hot water coursed over him, soothing his headache at the very least.

Three thoughts played on repeat in his head. The first was a fervent wish. He didn't want to have to live through the next few days of his life. He didn't want to call friends and relatives. He didn't want to plan a funeral. He didn't want to attend a funeral and have to listen to people tell him how sorry they were.

The second thought was a simple analysis. The desolation he felt in the space his heart used to occupy was maddening. Of course, he knew the old standby. It would get better with time, but he was at that point where he couldn't believe that line. It was a terrifying idea - that he would feel this way for all the rest of his life.

He heard his mother's voice in his head, a few of her very last words to him.

_You're holding on to the past with both hands and all your toes._

Was he doomed by his nature to hold on to this pain?

But even the pain of losing Bella had faded to a point. He hadn't forgotten, obviously, but it hadn't always been so much a part of him as it had been these last months.

Which brought him around to his third thought.

For better or worse, he didn't regret having sex with Bella. He wasn't quite sure what he did feel, but he knew he wouldn't take it back even if he could have.

Getting out of the shower, Edward wrapped himself in his towel and stood still. He couldn't quite summon the courage to face the day. Instead, he glanced in the mirror and stared as if his reflection was holding all his gumption.

He was not the same man he'd been the morning before.

Edward dressed slowly and finally made his way downstairs. He stopped just outside the kitchen. The smell of breakfast permeated the air, but it didn't make him hungry like it would have any other day. He lingered outside the door, listening for a moment.

"How about some toast or oatmeal, Carlisle? Something easy." Bella's voice was coaxing. Alice had told Edward the day before that their father hadn't eaten all day. Apparently, he was continuing that trend. "You should at least have a bite of something."

"He doesn't have to eat if he doesn't want to," Alice snapped.

Edward bristled, but Bella just cleared her throat, ignoring his sister. "I'll get you some juice."

Taking a deep breath, Edward finally entered the kitchen just as Bella set an orange juice in front of Carlisle. She looked up, her expression gentle when their eyes met.

For a beat, it was clear neither of them knew what to say. Bella broke the silence first. "Do you want some breakfast?"

Edward pulled out a chair for her. "Why don't you sit down. Let me get you breakfast, and I'll eat if you will."

She seemed surprised, but when she sat, she smiled at him. "Yeah. Okay."

**_~0~_ **

The next five days simultaneously crawled and sped by.

Typically, when there was so much to be done, time went too quickly. The problem with things like this, when every task was a chore no one wanted to do, was that he knew the measure of every minute, every second of time.

All of them resented the necessity of these tasks. What they wanted was Esme back with them so these things wouldn't need to be done. Personally, if he couldn't have his mother back, Edward wanted the right to curl up in a little ball and not have to acknowledge anything else in the world besides his misery.

The first day, when they all walked out of the mortuary after planning Esme's funeral, Bella had offered a comforting bit of perspective. "It feels better in a way. I felt so helpless when she was suffering and there was nothing I could do. This, at least, is something I can do for her."

There was some solace in that thought, Edward reflected. It was a special kind of hell watching a loved one succumb to disease, wasting away right in front of your eyes while you're absolutely powerless to stop it.

He'd taken her hand, squeezing her fingers tightly on the drive home.

Everyone who needed to be called was called. Esme's nieces, Edward and Alice's cousins, flew in from Alaska to stay for a few days.

Esme's sister had died in a plane accident when Edward was young, taking her youngest child, the only boy, with her. Tanya, Katrina, and Irina had been adopted by their godparents, Carmen and Eleazar.

Since they hadn't been able to make the wedding, they had a few awkward moments. They offered Edward their condolences on his mother's passing and in the next breath their congratulations on his marriage.

They adored Bella.

She was, Esme had always said, easy to love.

For his part, Edward honestly had no idea how he would have gotten through those five days without her. His family was falling apart.

Most of the time, Carlisle wandered around in a daze. He was a facsimile of himself. This was what became of people who lived fairytale romances, Edward thought. Being half of a whole was only a romantic idea as long as both pieces lived. With Esme gone, Carlisle was shaken to his core.

Of everything, Alice was having the most trouble dealing with the stranger her father had become. Edward understood that completely. They might have been grown, but they were still Carlisle's children. They wanted their father to be strong for them. Accepting that a parent was human, fallible, conquerable, was difficult.

So Alice and Jasper took off for the better part of most days, leaving Edward and Bella to care for Carlisle by themselves.

As for Edward, he just concentrated on putting one foot in front of the other, getting through each minute, each hour, each day.

Every night when they retreated to their room, Edward thought about how, if Bella wasn't by his side, he would have fallen by now. What he wanted was to ask her to stay with him again. He wanted her back in his bed. He wanted her sheltering arms around him, and her fingers soft in his hair. But every day left him so drained, he had no words left. He would watch her from the couch or the bed until his eyelids wouldn't stay open anymore.

**_~0~_ **

On the day of Esme's funeral, the sun came out, making the world shine a vibrant green. Bella wasn't sure if it was appropriate. Why should Forks break its near constant state of mourning gray clouds and rain on today of all days? But still, it seemed fitting. Esme had always been such a vibrant presence.

Esme's body had been cremated the night before, so the remembrance and wake was held in the Cullens' ample backyard. Bella didn't know if she should feel out of place where she was, sitting beside Edward in the front row. She'd offered to sit with her mother, father and Sue who were two rows back, behind Esme's nieces, but Edward had only twined their fingers together, keeping her firmly by his side.

When Carlisle had said he wanted to speak, no one had argued. Privately, Bella wondered how he was going to do it. He'd hardly uttered a word since his wife's death, and he had trouble concentrating for more than a minute at a time.

He walked like a man much older than his 52 years when he moved from his seat to the front of the gathered people. Everyone was quiet while he breathed deep, composing himself. His fingers brushed the ornate urn that held her ashes, and Carlisle swayed, looking for a moment like he was about to fall.

Straightening his shoulders, he cleared his throat and began to speak.

"My dear Esme.

"It's been so strange having you gone these last few days. This house remembers your laughter, your voice, and it seemed so incomplete without you there.

"Last night, I carried you home in my hands. I thought that might make me feel better, just having a part of you home again would fill some of that empty space, but it didn't. It doesn't."

He closed his eyes, taking another deep breath before he could continue. He lifted his head, looking over to his children. "Alice, you asked me why your mother didn't tell me what she wanted for today. I couldn't answer you because the words sounded wrong.

"When we knew this day was coming faster than we ever would have wanted, your mother told me that funerals weren't for the dead. She said she would be beyond want. She said, 'I want you and our children to do whatever you need to do to feel better, to feel comfort.'

"Standing in the mortuary, I didn't think it was possible to find comfort from a day like today." He looked again to the urn, and his lips lifted ever so slightly. "As usual, sweet girl, you knew exactly the right thing.

"Today, I've listened to the music our son chose to commemorate you, and I heard the way he saw you. I wouldn't have thought songs existed that could capture your beautiful spirit, your incredible capacity to love, or the peace you brought our lives, but he's found them. I hear you again."

Edward's hand trembled in hers, and Bella tightened her fingers around him.

"The... pain I feel at your loss left my world dull, black," Carlisle continued. "But today, our backyard is vibrant and colorful again because this is how our daughter saw you. This is more you - full of life. I see you again.

"Since we learned of your illness, I've been so angry. I think of all the moments you should have lived to see. I think about how you won't be there to see our daughter get married. Our grandchildren won't know you. I get so angry because it isn't fair that fate cheated you out of these things, simple things." His voice shook, and he closed his eyes again.

"But today, for the first time since she chose them, I looked at the pictures and the poem Bella, the girl we have loved and cherished as our own since she was tiny, used for your program."

Bella started, not expecting to hear her name. This time it was Edward who squeezed her hand. The poem she'd chosen spoke of being released from the burdens of illness so the author could continue to watch over their family without tethers.

"Those pictures reminded me of what I should have always known. You haven't left us, sweet girl. On those days when I'm watching our children's lives unfold, I will miss your touch the most. You're the only only one who would understand the pride and awe I feel when I watch our children. But now, on those days, though I'll miss your hand in mine, I will know you are beside me, looking back and smiling."

**_~0~_ **

As afternoon turned into evening and the house grew quiet again, Bella happened to overhear a conversation between the two eldest of the sisters from Alaska.

"Do you think he'll love again?" Irina asked.

"That's a hard one," Tanya said softly, sounding sad. "Carlisle has so much love to give. I hope he'll love again.

"But either way, it won't be the same. No other woman will have all of his heart. Part of him will love Esme just as much the day he dies as he does today."

Irina sounded wistful when she spoke again. "Some love does last forever."

"That's why we keep trying, right?"

Bella jumped slightly when she felt a hand on her arm. She turned to find Edward there behind her. He looked so exhausted, she forgot about the sisters instantly.

Reaching out to him, she took his hand. "Do you want to go to bed?"

He nodded and followed her obediently when she pulled him up the stairs.

Neither of them spoke, but Edward didn't let her go when they got into the room. He reached behind her, pulling down the zipper of her dress. Bella's heart beat quicker, and she wondered if they were going to end up in bed, tangled up together again. She couldn't say she would say no. Part of her was desperate to lose her sad thoughts, outrun her heavy heart, in fit of frantic movement. Maybe when grief wasn't coloring every thought she had, she might realize what they'd done, what they might be doing again, wasn't wise, but for now...

But when her dress puddled to the floor, he only gathered her in his arms, holding her close.

Getting the idea quickly, Bella loosened his tie and unbuttoned the buttons of his shirt. She let go of him only long enough to kick off her shoes and stockings while he stripped out of his pants.

They climbed into bed in their underwear, and climbed into each others arms.

This was a different kind of comfort. Sex might have spent the energy that rattled in their blood, but this kind of all encompassing touch brought with it solace. They were skin to skin, bringing warmth to the cold that went bone deep. Bella could feel his heartbeat against her chest. Grief was such an alienating emotion, but flesh against flesh, how could they feel alone?

Edward ducked his head, his nose skimming along her hairline, inhaling deeply. He kissed her cheek. He kissed her lips.

They fell asleep breathing each other in.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: When my sister died, after a decade long illness, I was much more relieved than sad. I thought... now she can finally watch her son grow up. Now she can stand and dance and smile. She couldn't in life because those were the cards she was dealt, but now she can. I don't believe in heaven and hell, but I do believe in SOMETHING, and I do believe my sister is there.
> 
> Helping my mother and brother-in-law plan her funeral, even though I hate funerals with a fiery passion, helped a lot.
> 
> *hugs to everyone*
> 
> Thank you so much to Songster for her help. And thanks to all of you for your love and your kind words.
> 
> They gotta figure out the rest of their lives when we come back. Are you ready? Fuck. Am I?


	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Thank you so much for your heartfelt responses. So much loss around us all. *hugs to everyone*
> 
> To answer a frequently asked question, the poem I talked about last chapter does exist, but I can't seem to find it. If I find it, I'll post it. Mwah.

It had been three days since the funeral. The haze of grief was beginning to ebb, or at least, thinking beyond the next day was beginning to become a priority again, especially for Bella.

Six months or two months after Esme's death. That was what Edward's contract had stated. Though as she'd pointed out to him, the contract was nothing but a symbol, she intended to honor her half of the bargain. That gave her two and a half months to figure out what she was going to do, seeing as she'd abandoned her old life entirely. Her job at the diner had been filled, her apartment rented out.

Bella had driven with her father to Seattle to take her mother and stepfather to the airport. On the drive back, Charlie asked how married life was going, and Bella didn't know how to answer.

The days since Esme's death had been completely other. She hadn't only glimpsed the boy Edward had once been, she'd lived with him. He'd been sweet and considerate, often stepping beyond his own grief to be kind to her. He'd made her breakfast and dinner more than once. Most of all, when Alice snapped at her yet again two days before, he'd finally put his foot down.

The siblings had argued in hushed tones, so as not to disturb their father. As Jasper had asserted months ago, Alice was most furious at Edward. It was his family to break apart, not Bella's, and it didn't take long before the truth came out as they whisper-shouted at each other.

In the end, though, Bella had watched as Edward had told her how sorry he was until she broke down in his arms, missing their mother, missing their innocence, missing the years they'd lost.

"I'm not going to leave you again, Ali," he'd told her as he rocked her, and he looked like the kind, family-first boy Bella had fallen in love with so many years ago.

When they'd retreated to their room that night, Edward had slumped. He sat on the couch, his head in his hands, overcome by grief and regret.

"I don't know how to put my life back together after so many mistakes," he'd whispered when Bella put her arms around him and pulled him in for a much needed hug.

She'd wondered then if he was leaning on her because he had no one else, or if it was her comfort he truly wanted.

Bella's silence after her father's question was answer enough for him. He sighed. "Look, Bells, I'm a realist. Romantic notions are nice. Romantic notions are why I have you, and that's great, but..."

"But romantic notions only last so long before reality hits you again?" Bella suggested.

"Right. I probably should have said something before I let you walk down the aisle." Charlie shifted, obviously uncomfortable. These kinds of conversations had never been his forte. "Esme was happy, and I thought..."

"You thought what?" Bella prompted, curious now. She had wondered at the time why her typically overprotective father seemed to be so keen for her to marry a man she'd only reconnected with scant weeks before.

Charlie grimaced. "Jacob said he thought you were still in love with Edward even when you were with him. He said he never had a chance."

Bella bristled, gritting her teeth. "Jacob got jealous if another guy's shadow touched mine." She breathed in through her nose and out, trying to soothe her irritation.

"So you're saying you didn't still have feelings for Edward? Even then?"

"I'm saying that's not why I broke up with Jacob."

Charlie drummed the steering wheel nervously. "Leah's finally in her own place. Did I tell you that?"

"No." Leah was Bella's stepsister. She was older than Bella by a few years, but she'd had bad times. She'd been living with Charlie and Sue off and on for several years. "That's good for her."

"And Seth's got his own place off campus."

"What are you saying?"

"Marriage is something you have to work for, and work hard." He paused. "But if you ever need a place to regroup, you always have a home with me."

Bella smiled at her father. It was nice to hear seeing as she had no idea what her life was going to look like in another two months. "Thanks, Dad."

**_~0~_ **

Five days after his mother's funeral, Edward was exhausted.

The last few months had been a different world. Everyone had put their lives on hold to spend time with Esme. What he was going through now was the inevitable fallout.

His relationship with Alice had to be redefined. They'd been getting along before their mother's death, but without her to keep up appearances for, Alice's resentment was coming out tenfold. She'd sacrificed a lot to be there for her parents because she knew Edward wouldn't be.

So there was Alice's life to figure out. Was she going to graduate school, away from Washington for the first time? Edward didn't want her to, but that was selfish. He was trying to encourage her to do what was right for her and Jasper. It was what Esme would have wanted, but she didn't trust him not to abandon Carlisle.

To that end, Edward still had to figure out what he was going to do about his business. He wasn't going back to New York, he knew that, but there were so many loose ends to tie. He wondered if he could retain power and still live in Washington.

He wondered if he wanted anything to do with his business anymore. Esme had been right - it brought him no happiness. But if not that, what was he supposed to do with the rest of his life?

Then all of that was trumped by just how worried he was about his father. Carlisle's eulogy was the most talking he'd done since his wife's death. He was preternaturally silent, sometimes shuffling into rooms so quietly, Edward didn't even notice. He seemed lost in his own world. He would respond to questions but never more than a few sentences here or there. He only ate a few bites at a time.

Edward retreated to his room, his head too heavy to hold upright. He hoped he'd find Bella there. He craved the stability she offered, the comfort.

He stopped short when he heard Bella's voice. He frowned, wondering who she could be talking to. Jasper, perhaps. He knew they talked. He tried to remind himself he had no right to be jealous about that.

Then, the words she was saying reached him.

"No, that's perfect. I'm not available to start work for a little bit anyway. That timeline would work fine."

A rock seemed to settle in the pit of Edward's stomach.

"That sounds great. I look forward to hearing back from you. Thank you for your consideration."

Edward opened the door, coming in just as she disconnected the call. He thought he saw a guilty look flit across her face before her expression went blank. "Hey."

"You're looking for a job." He tried not to sound accusing, but it didn't work.

"Yeah. I thought it was probably a good idea to start looking now." She stood, crossing her arms.

Edward nodded slowly, trying to bite his tongue. That also didn't work. "Here in Forks?"

"No. There's not much in the way of opportunity here." She studied him, tightening her arms around herself. "You don't have to worry. I remember our agreement. I'll stay the six months, just like we talked about."

"You think that's what I'm worried about?" His tone came out as more of a growl than he'd intended, and he regretted it when Bella took a step back from him.

She swallowed audibly. "If not that, what? What's bothering you?"

Edward opened his mouth, but he quickly discovered he really didn't know. He turned away from her, flipping open his laptop as if he suddenly had urgent business.

"Edward?" She stepped closer to him again. "What's your problem?"

"You're just so ready to take off," he said with a huff, his eyes trained on the computer screen.

"I have to plan ahead." Her tone was patient. "The job market isn't that great. It's probably going to take a while. That's why I'm starting now."

It was sensible, of course. They were all starting over, but no one so much as Bella. Not for the first time, Edward's brilliant plan didn't seem so brilliant anymore, now that he wasn't caught up in the intense desire to make his mother's last days as happy as possible. Esme was gone, and disentangling himself from Bella was going to be far from uncomplicated.

The thought of her leaving made Edward's stomach twist.

He cleared his throat. "Maybe it would be more... prudent for you to stay longer." He kept his tone even though his heart had inexplicably begun to beat frantically.

"Prudent?"

"My father isn't well." He still hadn't looked at her. "I think the stress of our getting a divorce wouldn't be the best thing for him right now."

It was a sensible argument, he felt. She was just as worried as Edward about Carlisle.

Bella didn't answer right away, but she came to sit beside him on the couch. "I can't do that, Edward," she said quietly.

He stopped typing. "You can't do what?"

"I can't put my life on hold forever. I'll see him, of course. I wouldn't abandon him, but-"

"So let me see if I have this correctly." Anger had turned the stone in his gut molten hot, and he raised his head to level a hard look at her. "You would do anything for Jacob Black's father but not for mine?"

Bella's eyes narrowed. "Don't do this, Edward. It's been good these last few days."

"Good? You call what my family has been going through good?" He pushed his laptop away and stood up, pacing away from her.

"You know that's not what I mean. Don't twist this."

"I'm just trying to understand the difference." Somewhere in the back of his mind, he knew he was being unreasonable. It was just that he felt an undeniable surge of panic. Over what he couldn't say, but he was overcompensating to cover. "Why would you spend money you'd saved to better your own life to bail an ex out of jail? Did you want him back?"

"Where is this coming from?"

"I just want to know why you would sacrifice for Jacob Black."

"I didn't sacrifice myself for Jacob. I did it because his father had just lost one of his daughters after not seeing her since his wife's death. I did it because that's why Jacob started drinking, and I hoped it was enough to get him to stop, which it was by the way. I did it for the same reason I married you - because it seemed like the right thing to do at the time."

Edward turned away to hide his grimace. There was a strange ache at his chest, and he rubbed at it absently, trying to massage it away.

"If you really want to know, he wanted me back. He begged. That would have been one less stress for Billy, but I'm not going to stay in a bad relationship for someone else. I wouldn't do it then, and I won't do it now. I'm not a masochist."

The rock in Edward's gut had seemingly multiplied. There was a hard lump in his throat making it difficult to breathe or swallow. He breathed in through his nose and out a few times. The anger had faded just as quickly as it had come, leaving him reeling

"We didn't use protection," he finally said, looking back to her.

She blinked. "What?"

"That night. That morning, I suppose. After my mother died. We didn't use protection."

She blanched and wrapped her arms tightly around her again. For long seconds, she didn't speak, and when she did, her voice shook. "I'm well aware of that, believe me."

It wasn't the first time the thought had occurred to him either, but he wasn't going to broach the subject if she wasn't. Until now, apparently. "What if you're pregnant?"

Bella didn't look at him. Her breathing was slightly erratic, and she swallowed several times before she answered. "We'll have to cross that bridge when we come to it. If we come to it."

Edward's heart sank. "You still wouldn't stay?"

Her gaze was somewhat disparaging as she looked back at him. "This isn't the 1800's."

His heart was pounding too fast again, and he grappled for something else to say.

Why? Why did this have him so twisted up in knots? It was inevitable, wasn't it? He'd talked himself into this by reminding himself it was only temporary, only for his mother, and then he would never have to see Bella again. He could put her behind him once and for all.

So why, suddenly, did the thought of her moving on with her life make him want to drop to his knees and beg?

The answer, once he let the question take hold, was simple enough.

He'd been fighting the fact that if he didn't hate her, he had to love her for weeks now. There was quite a difference though in acknowledging you still had feelings for an old flame and asking his wife not to walk away.

He had no right, he knew that. This marriage was only paperwork. They both knew that.

After everything that had passed between them, how could he possibly think she would want to stay?

Still, he had to hear it for himself. He knew he had to do it, as much as he hated it because he knew it was going to break his heart. But then, that final no would make it easier, wouldn't it?

It took him a full minute before he could find his voice. "What if I wanted you to stay?"

She gasped, but she didn't speak. He didn't look at her, he couldn't.

Her whimper was so soft, he thought he might have imagined it. "Edward." His name on her lips was just a breath. "I can't do that."

His heart cracked, but it didn't break.

She sounded unsure, he realized. Her no wasn't so resolute. He swallowed. "We-"

"I love you," she interrupted, and Edward's heart skipped a beat. "Is that what you want to hear?" Pushing herself to her feet, she began to pace. "I never stopped loving you. I've tried so hard not to feel it, but it's here. It's part of me."

She took a deep breath, pausing to look at him. "But how could it possibly work? Even if you can forgive me for what I did to you, you're going to resent me for not being that teenage girl." She began to pace again, ticking off a list on her fingers. "I'm not her, not anymore. I don't want to be a scientist anymore. I want different things out of my life. I don't think like her. I... I grew up, Edward."

Edward was stunned silent at that point, bewildered. He wasn't sure how to process what she was saying. He wasn't sure what he wanted or how he should feel.

Not that it mattered, Bella wasn't done yet. She sat down heavily on the couch, wringing her hands in her lap. "And honestly... as much as I love you, Edward, I don't know you anymore than you know me at this point." When she looked at him, her eyes were sad. "The boy I knew? If you had told me that boy would say the things you've said to me, I would have laughed. I would have gladly bet my life that you would never treat me like that."

His heart was beating too fast, and his head was spinning. He bowed his head, rubbing his his temples. "The boy I was wouldn't have let anyone treat you the way I've treated you," he admitted to his hands. "I'm sorry. Really, I am."

She stood and came to sit beside him on the bed. Taking his hands, she threaded their fingers together. "You're still angry at me." It wasn't a question.

"I'm not-"

"Yes," she said firmly. "You are. We've been getting along so well, and it took absolutely nothing for you to lash out at me just now."

Edward bowed his head again, unable to argue with that. "I'm sorry," he said again.

When she framed his face in her hands, he started but didn't pull away. "Look at me," she said quietly.

He looked up feeling far more vulnerable than he was comfortable with. His heart was racing, and his throat was tight.

"I'm sorry." Bella looked directly into his eyes. "I am so sorry for what I did to you. It was cruel and immature and it will always be the biggest regret of my life."

Edward closed his eyes, embarrassed because he suddenly felt very certain he was about to cry. He lifted his hands, pressing them against hers to his cheeks, and just breathed in and out for a few minutes. Then he shifted, wrapping his arms around her and holding her tightly to him. When she slipped her arms around him, hugging him back just as tightly, the vice grip around his lungs loosened just a little bit.

"I'm sorry," he mumbled against her hair. "I'm sorry I believed you. I'm sorry I let you go so easily. That will always be the biggest regret of  _my_  life." That was a realization that hit him like a brick to the chest. He'd always thought his biggest regret was trusting her in the first place, but he realized right then just how responsible he was for his own misery.

He kissed her cheek quickly before disentangling himself.

"I, um..." He stumbled, suddenly needing to be somewhere else because his thoughts were screaming again. "I came upstairs to tell you I'm going to New York for a couple of days. I need to talk to my partner, and..." He waved his hand because it really wasn't important. "I think I'll sleep in the guest room tonight though."

Bella nodded slowly, looking sad and uncertain. "Okay."

Edward hesitated. There was so much he wanted to say, so much he wanted to ask, but he knew he had to think first. There was a lot he'd been putting off working out in his own head.

He turned around, but before he could walk away, she grabbed his hand. "Edward."

He stilled and turned back to her.

The air around them was heavily with everything they weren't saying.

Bella blew out a breath. "I'll be here, okay? If you need me."

Raising his hand, he brushed the tips of his fingers down her cheek. "I know," he said quietly.

Then he headed out the door to the solitude of the guest room.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Thanks so much to barburella and songster for their help this chapter.
> 
> Sooooo. Thoughts?


	15. Chapter 15

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: *yawns* Rawr, Monday, Rawr. *grumble grumble*

Edward couldn't sleep.

He didn't really understand how he could miss Bella. Yes, they'd been sleeping in the same room, but it wasn't as though they'd been sleeping together for the most part. Even when he had, it was a comfort thing. It wasn't as though there was anything real about their relationship.

So why did his heart ache at her rejection? Why did it feel like he was breathing through water?

Why on Earth did he feel like he could fall down on his knees and beg her to reconsider?

Death brought with it that old perspective that so many people talked about, yet it wasn't something you could really grasp until it happened to you. Life was never more precious than to those who'd run out of time.

Suddenly, everything his mother was trying to tell him was crystal clear. He was successful, but he wasn't happy. He'd never been happy. He'd spent so much time chasing something he thought he should want.

Losing his mother made him needy. He didn't want to lose anyone, anything else. He had what was left of his family.

He didn't want to lose Bella.

But how could you lose what you never really had?

Unable to stay in bed with his increasingly sad, frustrating thoughts, Edward got up. He sat on the edge of the bed for a minute, but quickly decided he was better off finding something to distract himself.

Edward stopped short when he saw his sister in the stared at each other

for a long, tense moment.

"Trouble in paradise?" Alice finally asked.

"Stay out of it, Alice."

She eyed him but shrugged. "Whatever. Look, I was actually hoping you were still awake." She crossed her arms over her chest. "I think you should take Dad with you to New York."

"What? Why?"

The look Alice leveled at him then suggested she suspected he'd left his brain cells elsewhere. "Are you kidding? You think maybe a change of pace might do him some good?"

Edward ran a restless hand through his hair. He wanted to say no right off the bat. He'd been lived alone for damn near eight years. The last few months he hadn't had more than a moment or two to himself. Especially after his discussion with Bella, he'd been looking forward to having a few days to regroup. He was having trouble dealing with all the changes in his life, his complete uncertainty, and not the least of all, whatever the hell was going on between him and Bella.

He closed his eyes, counting to ten before he threw a very childish tantrum. How could he be selfish when his father was in such a bad way? He blew out a long breath. "I wonder if there's still room on the flight."

Alice grinned. "I already got you on a different flight. It only leaves an hour later, so don't panic. I also upgraded you to first class."

For a few seconds, Edward's lips quirked up and down, up and down. He didn't know whether to yell or laugh. The laugh came out first, and he shook his head. "I never had a choice, did I?"

"Nope." Alice looked smug, and leaned in to whisper conspiratorially. "The trick is to let them think they have a choice and guide them until they make the right one."

"Right." Edward huffed. "Fine. I'll take him, but you have to do me a favor."

His sister rolled her eyes. "Let me guess. Lay off Bella?" She eyed him suspiciously. "Are you going to tell me what's going on with you guys?" She glanced over at the guest room pointedly.

"No." He sighed, feeling more than a little exhausted. "But trust me. It's more my fault than hers this time, okay? Just... be nice."

"Fine." She grumbled. "I can be civil."

"Really, Alice."

"Really. I promise." She raised her fingers. "Scout's honor."

Edward studied her carefully before he nodded. "Thank you."

**_~0~_ **

Alice was right of course. Getting out of the house, out of the state, did Carlisle a world of good. At least, it had to be better that he couldn't get so absorbed in his own thoughts. With only Edward to concentrate on, he was naturally a little more attentive than he had been.

It helped too that Edward's friends and associates were so kind. Benjamin, his business partner, had taken them out for a fancy dinner. The next day, his wife, Tia, offered to entertain Carlisle while Benjamin and Edward settled business.

Currently, Benjamin was sitting across from him in his office, his hands steepled as he rocked back and forth in his chair. "You're serious." It wasn't a question. "Just like that, you're going to give up your, very profitable I might add, business?"

"Well, I am asking you to buy me out at what my half is worth," Edward pointed out. "That's hardly a paltry sum." He leaned forward, hands folded on his desk. "You've been running the place almost entirely on your own for the last five months. It shouldn't be too difficult of a transition."

"No, that's not what I'm worried about. You're right. I've been fine mostly on my own here. I can handle that." His friend studied him. "But what about you? You have a life here, and you're going to give it up for a tiny town? What are you going to do there?"

"I have no idea," Edward admitted. "I just know I can't do this anymore."

"And your friends?"

Edward smiled down at his hands. He had people who occasionally invited him over to parties, with whom he could have a drink after a long day, but he hadn't really missed them in the months he'd been gone. He'd hardly thought about them.

He remembered Bella's friend Emmett and wondered if anyone would care that much for him, worry that much, if he disappeared from one day to the next. He sincerely doubted it. "There's always Facebook," he said flippantly. "This is life, isn't it? People move on. Change. This is 2013. We don't have to stop being friends."

"Fair enough." Benjamin shook his head. "I just couldn't imagine walking away from this life."

He leaned forward, all business then. Benjamin named a figure. Edward nodded. It was more than fair. They shook.

And just like that, Edward let go of this facet of the life he'd planned with Bella when he was still just a kid.

**_~0~_ **

As a man with means, it was remarkably easy to wrap up his old life. After he'd signed over his business and arranged for his apartment to be packed up, there was surprisingly little to do.

He really hadn't had much of a life here, he realized. Once again, his mother was right.

The night before they were set to fly home, Edward was sitting alone at his dining room table, spinning his phone around on the tabletop.

He remembered arguing with Bella about her life. It seemed so small to him. Working at a diner with nothing to show for the last eight years.

Except friends that loved her and missed her.

" _You know nothing about my life. You don't know what I've done these last eight years. How fucking dare you call it nothing? And really, you have no right to judge me._ "

What made him think he had the right to judge her? Despite his own biased assumptions based on the bits and pieces he knew about her life, he really didn't have a cohesive story.

Before he could talk himself out of it, Edward tapped out a quick text message to Bella.

**_Everything okay at home?_ **

There was so much more he wanted to say, but he wondered why he thought he had the right to say them. After everything he'd put her through, why would she want to talk.

**Everything's fine. How's Carlisle?**

As if on cue, Carlisle appeared in the hallway. "Edward?"

"Hey, Dad. I thought you were asleep."

Carlisle shuffled over, sitting down across from him. He pressed the heel of his hand between his eyes, rubbing. "I was, but I'm not now."

"Fair enough."

"What about you?"

Edward shrugged. He stood, retrieving a beer for himself and offering one to his father. Carlisle took it, but after the first sip, he merely stared at it. This was par for the course. He could hardly be convinced to take more than a few bites of food or a few sips of anything else days.

"You're sure about what you're doing here, Edward? Giving up your business, your life?"

"It's done," he said simply. He took a long pull of his beer. "You know what we haven't talked about?"

"What's that?"

"What do  _you_  want to do, Dad?"

Carlisle looked down at the table. "That's a good question," he murmured. He scrubbed his hand over his eyes. "The hospital, my old hospital said I could come back, if I wished."

"In Seattle?"

His father nodded slowly.

"Is that what you want?"

"It's..." Carlisle tilted his beer back and forth listlessly. "It made me happy once. It might be good for me."

Edward nodded. "Seattle. I can do Seattle."

His father looked up at him. "Edward, you know you don't have to stay with me, right?"

"Dad-"

"You have your own life, and you have a wife of your own, now."

Now it was Edward's turn to look down at the table. "I don't..." He swallowed hard. "It won't be an issue."

He could feel his father's eyes on him, so he stumbled on quickly. "Bella's wanted to get out of Forks for years. I'm sure-"

"Talk to me, Edward." Carlisle's voice was soft, but there was that edge dads always perfected. The "I mean business" edge.

Edward sighed. "I don't want to burden you."

"Being your father is never a burden."

The last few days, trying to sort out the mess that was his head, Edward had ached to talk to someone. But to whom? His sister's misdirected anger wouldn't be useful. The last thing he needed was someone stoking his own lingering anger. Fury distorted truth.

What he wanted most was to talk to his mother, but as that was impossible, his father would have been the next best choice. But what he'd told Bella some days before was true. He was worried about adding to Carlisle's obvious depression.

Then again, maybe it wasn't bad to lay a foundation.

Edward huffed. "My marriage is in serious trouble," he admitted.

Carlisle nodded as though this wasn't a surprise. Of course it wouldn't be. There was a reason his parents had sent him and Bella off to California on a belated honeymoon. "Can I ask you a question?"

"Of course."

"Are you still in love with her?"

Edward's breath caught.

"It's not the same thing as loving her," Carlisle warned.

"I know." Edward's voice was soft, defeated. "I am in love with her." His heart twisted as he said it, as he admitted it to himself. Maybe there were gaps in his knowledge of who she was, but he knew well enough love and logic seldom kept the same company.

He remembered every time she let him lash out and still didn't leave, withstanding his anger, Alice's anger, for his mother's sake. He remembered watching her with his parents, her smile, her ease with them, her gentleness. And he remembered those brief minutes he thought she was pulled out with the sea. His panic that he'd lost her once and for all.

"I'm in love with her," he repeated, swallowing hard. "And she loves me, but I don't think she's  _in_  love with me."

Carlisle didn't answer right away. "Did you know your mother was engaged to another man when we met?"

Edward started. "What? She was like... seventeen when you met, wasn't she?"

"She was." Carlisle's look was far away, and for a brief moment, he smiled. Edward saw his eyes go glassy before he turned his head.

"Dad..."

"It was a difficult time. I was so in love with her, and I didn't think... She wasn't right with Charles. It felt to me more like duty. Your mother is... was so loyal. She'd been with him since she was a Freshman in high school, and..." He shook his head, dismissing the thought.

He looked down, rubbing his hands together. "I was very close to leaving. I got into another school. I thought... A fresh start somewhere far away was the only thing that made sense. As far away from your mother as I could get so maybe I could forget about her."

"That sounds familiar," Edward murmured. "So what happened?"

Carlisle reached across the table, clasping his arm. "If you still love each other, there's always hope." He took a deep breath, inhaling and exhaling slowly. "It is worth it, Edward." He winced, but he nodded. "Every minute, every wound your mother and I inflicted on each other... even now, from where I sit, it was all worth fighting for. All of it."

**_~0~_ **

**_Dad's doing better, actually._ **

Five full minutes after that text, another came in.

**_Will you come up to meet me at the airport? Let Alice and Jasper drive Dad back._ **

Bella bit her lip, staring at the text. She jumped when her phone buzzed again.

**_Please, Bella._ **

Pressing her lips together, Bella only thought for a few seconds before she answered.

**Okay.**

Bella was so wrapped up wondering what Edward could want, she almost walked into the kitchen. At the last moment, she realized the noise she heard was the sound of arguing.

Alice and Jasper, of course. She couldn't really hear what they were saying. Alice's voice spiked while Jasper's remained steady.

The voice got closer, and Bella barely had enough time to jump back before Alice came barreling out of the kitchen. She was around the corner and pounding up the stairs in a second.

Shaking off her momentary fright, Bella ducked into the kitchen. She found Jasper at the island, his head in his arms on the counter.

Bella didn't say anything at first. She fetched a bottle of whiskey and got two shot glasses. Sitting next to Jasper at the counter, she poured them both a shot. Jasper lifted his head and chuffed, but he took the shot and knocked it back.

"You want to talk about it?" Bella offered.

Jasper side-eyed her, but then he shrugged. "I guess if there's anyone else who would understand this family, it's you."

He sighed. "Alice has given up a lot of opportunities to stay close to her parents."

"And she's about to do it again?"

Jasper nodded slowly. He gave a humorless laugh. "It's a little crazy how in flux this family is. It's true, Murphy's Law, isn't it?"

"In my experience. Yeah."

"Silence under pain of death," Jasper warned, pointing at her.

"I won't say a word," Bella promised.

"Well. Right before she graduated, Alice got word she was accepted into a workshop. Most expenses paid. In Milan."

"That's amazing."

Jasper poured them both another shot. "It is," he agreed. "Of course, with Esme so sick, it was a foregone conclusion she wouldn't go."

"But she still has a chance?" Bella guessed.

"Yeah. She has four days left to confirm, and she'd have to be there in a month and a half." He sighed. "It's not forever. She'd be back in less than a year. But she refuses to even consider going."

"That would be frustrating for you." Bella cocked her head, studying Alice's boyfriend. "Where does that leave you? If she stays, if she goes..."

He chuckled. "It's like I said, we're all in flux." He shook his head, his smile fond. "It's been odd for me, you know? It's been a weird time. I never thought I'd be unemployed, living with my not-even-in-laws. Sounds pathetic when you put it that way, huh?

"I graduated a year and a half ago. I've been working. Nothing spectacular, but long story really short, my bills have been low. I've got a little bit saved, which is how I've been living the past few months."

He smiled. "Wherever my girl goes, I'll follow. She's my future; I know that. And I understand a connection to family. I've got nothing against it." He pressed his lips together. "It's just... she has dreams bigger than this town, you know?"

"Believe me, I understand." She picked up the shot Jasper had given her and knocked it back. "That's exactly how it happens. Opportunities come at the same time as hard times, and you make a choice."

"I just want it to be the right choice for her." Jasper looked at Bella, his expression careful. "I don't want her to have the regrets her brother has."

Bella smiled and squeezed his arm. "You're a good guy. Alice is very lucky."

He gave her a quick side hug. "How 'bout you, Bella? You know you can talk to me, right? If you need a neutral audience?"

"I do know that."

For a minute, Bella caught a glimpse of a future she hadn't let herself consider.

A man by her side who loved her the way Edward had loved her so many years ago, a loving father, a sister, and a friend in Jasper. It was a nice set dressing.

Not reality, she reminded herself.

**_~0~_ **

Bella bit the inside of her cheek. For reasons she didn't understand, she was nervous. Her stomach was twisted up in knots.

It felt suspiciously like a date.

Edward had driven them to a restaurant downtown. Bella had always loved people watching, and this was a prime place. Edward had asked for a window seat. The restaurant was set high, looking down at the busy street and Pike's Place Market.

She had to wonder if he'd remembered that.

"You wanted to talk about something, didn't you?" Bella finally asked.

Edward cleared his throat. "I... yeah." He shifted in his seat. Obviously, whatever he was about to say wasn't comfortable for him. "I... When you left me-"

"Edward," she interrupted, rankling. The last thing she wanted to hear at this point was another recrimination from him.

He sighed. "No. Please hear me out. This isn't about you." He huffed, looking down at his hands. "You're so defensive." It was not said as an accusation but a realization. "Of course. Why wouldn't you be? I've jumped down your throat at every opportunity, haven't I?"

Bella didn't answer, but she wrapped her arms around her shoulders.

He tried again, his tone softer. "When you left me, at first I was sure it wasn't real. The whole rest of that day - days afterward, actually - I was sure you were going to call or reappear.

"Then, when I finally accepted you weren't coming back, I was... a lot of things, but ashamed was one of them."

Bella's head snapped up. "Ashamed? But what could you possibly have to be ashamed about?"

He twisted his napkin in his hands. "I never told you... All that semester my friends filled my head with doubt. What we had wasn't real. You weren't being faithful to me, so I shouldn't be faithful to you. And I told them no. You and I were the real deal."

Bella's lips twisted. "And then I played right into what they'd been trying to say all along."

He nodded. "You know, I wasn't even angry at first? It was there, but it was buried beneath everything else I was feeling. I was just so confused."

They were interrupted then when the food they'd ordered came. Both of them pulled back. Bella didn't realize until that moment she'd been leaning forward over the table.

When the waiter had retreated, Edward reached over the table, taking her hand. "Bottom line, Bella... I let myself believe a lie, and I'm sorry about that. You are worth fighting for." He took a deep breath. "And it's not a mistake I'm going to repeat."

Gently, Bella took her hand back, staring down at her dinner. "Edward... I don't know if-"

"No, Bella, listen." His words were a plea gently spoken. "There's something here between you and me. I know you feel it. And I'm not willing to lose whatever it is because I'm not brave enough to fight. I just mean I'm not going to let you walk out of my life again without a word of protest.

"I'm not going to pretend I know what we're supposed to be to each other. We've both made mistakes. We've both hurt each other tremendously, and I have no idea if those wounds can be healed. I'm just saying, if I haven't hurt you so badly you want nothing to do with me, I want to try."

Bella's mouth was dry and the lump in her throat painful to swallow around. "What does that mean?"

His lips tugged downward. "I don't know yet," he admitted. "We might end up as friends, or we might..." He trailed off, shaking his head slightly. "At the very least, it might be nice to find closure."

Bella's heart gave a distant pang as if that idea, such a logical idea, didn't quite sit well.

Reality, she reminded herself.

Slowly, she nodded. "Okay. So what do you want us to do?"

He began restlessly moving food around his plate. Neither of them were eating. "I think... it might be a good thing for me to stay in the guest room. My family is aware we're having problems, and I think it would be easier not to blur lines."

Again, Bella's heart twisted. She had to admit she'd enjoyed having him close those hardest days right after Esme died. But she nodded. "That makes sense."

The slightest smile played at his lips, as though he was thrilled she was being so agreeable so far. It seemed to bolster his confidence. "I've thought a lot about what you said before, that we don't know each other. So that's the only thing I ask." His expression was hesitant, almost shy. "Do you think we can get to know each other, or is it too late for that?"

This time it was Bella who reached across the table, taking his hand. "Of course it's not too late for that."

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: So many thanks to songster and YES, BARBURELLA, ENDLESS LOVE TO YOU. Lol.
> 
> If you'll indulge a moment of shameless self promotion, I'm looking to publish my first novella, Duplicity, next month. If you're at all interested, I have tidbits over at my website, KristinaMSanchez dot com. I'm hoping to have a excerpt up soon.
> 
> Okay. Back to these kids. How are we feeling about Edward's request?


	16. Chapter 16

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Hope everyone is having a good start to your weekend!.

Their first conversation didn't go well.

It was the day after Edward got back from New York. Alice and Jasper had taken Carlisle out to Port Angeles for the evening. In an effort to start things out right, Edward had made dinner.

Bella's smile was soft as she sat down, looking over the meal he prepared. "This is what Esme made the night before you left for Dartmouth."

For a second, Edward found it hard to breathe. He missed his mother so much. He inhaled and exhaled before he smiled back. "I was wondering if you'd notice." He cocked his head, trying to decipher the look on her face and failing. "What?"

"All things considered, that was a pretty good night." Her words are slow, careful.

"But?" he prompted.

She ducked her head, the emotion in her eyes cautious and uncertain, as if she wasn't at all sure she should say. "At the time, it was the hardest thing I'd ever done. Helping you pack. Letting you go."

Edward's throat felt tight. The niggling voice in the back of his head still echoed with a scathing retort. That could have been the hardest thing she ever did. It never had to get harder than missing him for a single school year.

He blew out a breath, dismissing that thought. Even if they had stayed together, he knew enough about life to understand it was always going to be harder than being a teenager in a long distance relationship. And besides that, the weight of his grief had robbed the angry voice of his venom.

Loss and pain was an inevitable facet of life. There was no point in adding anger to the mix. It was a destructive, illogical emotion, and enough of Edward's life was in shambles.

He smiled at Bella. "But mostly a good memory?"

She nodded. Again, her look was furtive as she glanced at him, hesitating before she spoke. "You remember that we spent most of the night talking out on the porch swing?"

This he remembered very well. It was one of his memories that ached the worst.

After dinner, they'd sat out on the porch swing, Bella tucked under his arm. Mostly, they kissed. They must have kissed for an hour straight, like they were storing them up, knowing they were going to be without for months at a time. He remembered with crystal clarity how he'd mostly kept his eyes open, memorizing her face as she kissed him.

"I remember."

"We thought we had it all figured out then," she mused. "I can't even remember what I thought it meant, to be a scientist. I just wanted to discover something that would help people."

"It's a good dream."

Bella nodded. "It is, but think about it in practice. In school, in science class, yeah it was a lot of boring lectures, but it was all punctuated by the exciting things. The experiments. The things that science can do are so fun."

Edward had to smile seeing the light of excitement in her eyes. It was like watching her at the Exploratorium all over again.

"But you know... all of that has already been done. The hard work of discovering it was done by someone else. The reality of science is years, even decades, of trying and failing. And that's if you're lucky enough to get to that point. You have to contend with almost a decade of schooling, then get into the right kind of lab. And it's not as though you can get away from the bullshit politics of business." She looked up at him apologetically. "Sorry."

"No, a lot of business is bullshit. I know that, believe me." He pursed his lips, considering. "It was all very glamorous in our heads, wasn't it?"

Her smile was gentle. "So being a hot shot businessman wasn't as fun as it looked?" Her cheeks tinted pink when he looked at her curiously. "Sometimes I would Google you," she admitted. "Articles about you would come up in business magazines, and then at whatever gala or benefit you might have been at. You looked happy."

He hummed, turning that information over in his head. "It had its moments, and I wasn't miserable by any stretch of the imagination. I liked that my name carried enough weight to do some good in the world."

"But?" this time she prompted.

Edward pursed his lips, wondering how to answer. "My partner, Benjamin, he loves what we do, what I did. The schmoozing, the careful plotting, the thinking every move out at least ten steps in advance. He loved it all. Even the bullshit politics as you said. He's very good at it.

"I was good at it too. Very good, but it never thrilled me the way it thrills him. Every day he gets up to go to work, he feels invigorated."

"And how did you feel?"

"Dutiful." Edward tapped his fork on the table a few times, wondering with sudden insight if he would have resented Bella for leading him into a career path he got no enjoyment from even if they hadn't broken up. He sighed and changed the subject quickly before his brain could hang on old regrets. "So then what are you planning on majoring in?"

It took a few minutes of gentle questioning, but Bella eventually opened up about a new passion she'd found. She was thinking of majoring in psychology or sociology - something that would help her get one foot into being able to help troubled teens .

She told him a story about her stepbrother, Seth. At the time everything went down, he wasn't her stepbrother. His father, one of Charlie's best friends, had died of a heart attack suddenly when he was fifteen.

At the time, all of the boys he'd idolized were at their worst. Jacob was preoccupied, at the precipice of a downward spiral after the death of his sister. Sam Uley, his sister Leah's boyfriend, had cheated on her with their cousin Emily. His mother was working overtime not only struggling to cover their bills but also running from her own grief at her husband's passing.

With no one else to lean on, Seth started to follow two other boys - Jared and Paul. The long and short of it was they were trouble, and Seth got in trouble.

Since he was a minor, Sue was held responsible for the penalties and fines levied on her son. Between those fines, legal fees, covering the classes Seth was ordered to take, it was no time at all before Sue fell dangerously behind on the bills.

By that time, Charlie had fallen in love with Sue. He'd already given what he could, trying to help her keep up with legal fees and keep Leah in school. It was such a heartbreakingly small amount, all things considered, that would keep the family from imploding completely.

"That was why you gave her what you'd saved," Edward said out loud, another piece of the puzzle Bella presented falling into place.

Bella nodded slowly. "At the time, I hadn't figured out what I wanted to do with the rest of my life anyway. I was untangling myself from Jacob. I had a steady job in Port Angeles - nothing special, but it paid for the apartment I was in at the time."

Edward drummed his fingers against the table, deep in thought. He huffed. "You should take the money I offered you."

Bella stiffened. "Edward-"

"No, look. Is it any different than what you did for your stepmother? It took so little to help stabilize her life. I could do that for you."

Her eyes flashed, and she glared at him. "I don't need or want your help. My life is fine."

"That's not what I-"

"Why do you keep doing this?" she interrupted. "Does it make you feel better about yourself to make me feel so cheap?"

"Bella." His tone was exasperated. "That's not what I said. That's not what I said at all. And I don't think it's true anyway. If there's anything the last few months have taught me, it's that the only thing I really had the last eight years is money. That's... nice. You can do a lot of things with money, but it's also very empty. The most you can do is help someone out by-"

"I'm not a charity case," she snapped.

"Be reasonable. It's a means to an end. You've worked for it. Not for me, but you've worked hard, haven't you? It would be enough that you could go to school full time and live on your own."

"All thanks to the magnanimous Edward Cullen. Because I couldn't get there on my own."

Edward narrowed his eyes, irritation getting the better of him. "Well, you haven't so far, have you."

She glared and threw down her napkin. "Thank you for dinner. It was delicious," she said curtly, turning toward the kitchen with her plate in hand.

"Fuck," Edward swore under his breath and darted after her. "Bella-"

She whirled on him. "I'm not taking your money, okay? I told you before, I didn't marry you for your money. I'm not going to profit off any small amount of peace I helped give your mother. I'm grateful I got to spend the time with her. I'm grateful to have reconnected with your father, and I would love to find some sort of peace between you and me. If that's impossible-"

"It's not. At least, not for me." He ran his hand through his hair, equal parts irritated and frustrated.

He blew out a breath, knowing it was hypocritical of him to want to rail against her for flying off the handle irrationally when that had been his M.O. for months on end.

Bella shook her head, turning to leave again.

He grabbed her by the arm, turning her back. "Will you listen. Please?"

She yanked her arm back, but she didn't leave.

"I really didn't mean it that way. Really." He blew a breath out through his nose, restless. "You've given so much to others, and you want to help other people. I care about you enough to want that for you. Is that really so terrible?"

Her angry glare softened ever so slightly, and she crossed her arms, studying him.

Edward wanted to touch her. He remembered when they were young and in love, when words failed him, he could always  _show_ her what he felt. "I'm not trying to be antagonistic."

She sighed. "I'm not taking your money. That's the last I want to hear about it."

"Fair enough."

After another tense moment, her lips turned up ever so slightly. "Dinner was really good."

"Do you..." He felt unreasonably nervous as he shuffled, trying not to sound as self-conscious as he felt. "Do you want to watch a movie?"

There was a part of him, a fairly big part, who wanted to say fuck it. She was defensive, and rightfully so. She'd broken his heart once, and what on earth made him think he wasn't better off without her?

But he was learning, perhaps too late, his mother's last lessons. He hadn't been able to forget Bella in eight years. His intense emotion toward her - love or hate - had never faded. And anything worth doing, worth working for, was difficult.

Bella's defensive posture loosened slightly, and she nodded. "Sure. I'd like that."

**_~0~_ **

Pessimists and cynics had many popular mantras. A leopard never changes its spots. Once a cheater, always a cheater. People don't change. On and on and on.

In Bella's estimation, all of that was bullshit.

All people did was change. Sometimes for the better, sometimes for the worse. And yes, there was always a chance a particular destructive or harmful behavior would never change, but there was also every chance it would. It was the reason there were rehab clinics, counseling, and people who'd put each other through the worst kinds of hell only to end up together, stronger than ever.

Bella had seen it over and over again, had been there when a person reached that one defining moment, the sink or swim second where they would either begin their fight to the surface or let themselves be dragged further down into the depths.

For Seth, the moment had come after he spent three days behind bars. He was seventeen and he'd always been a big, strong boy. But he'd ended up in lock-up in Seattle, no small town jail at all, with big city boys who were truly cruel, hard.

The angry, nasty, misguided boy he'd been for two and a half years came back terrified and confused. And his eyes had been wide open when he saw the fallout of what he'd done, the suffering he caused his mother, the bullshit he had to go through himself.

For Jacob, it was when Bella had bailed him out of jail. He'd spent so many of his teen years taking care of his father, and he realized, as she drove him home, how he could have undone all the good in his father's life in a heartbeat. And he knew he was dangerously close to destroying his own life. Bella had given him a freebie. Nothing was destroyed yet, but it could be.

Both of them had changed for the better and had never gone back to their old behavior.

So in theory, Bella had no trouble believing the change in Edward's attitude was permanent. Wasn't it the most cliche fact of life out there? How often had the death of a loved one flipped on the proverbial light bulb? Life was too precious to be wasted on anger.

Still, her heart felt dangerously fragile. This boy, this impossible man, had always been the golden standard she held every other relationship to. He was her one regret, her what if. It was because she knew a love like theirs was possible that she refused to settle for something less. Yet in the end, he was the only one that had hurt her worse than she'd hurt herself when she left him.

She was wary and defensive, not wanting to let herself believe she'd seen the last of his anger because it would only hurt worse when it returned.

It had been a little over a week since he'd come home from New York when he took her out for dinner. The last thing she expected was for him to pull into the diner where she'd worked.

"It's been a long time since you've seen your friends, hasn't it?" he asked when she looked at him questioningly.

Bella had texted them, emailed, and talked on GTalk or Facebook every once in awhile, but Edward was right. She hadn't seen them at all except for a few minutes here and there when she saw her father.

As nervous as she was - she knew they probably had a thousand questions about her husband among other things - the prospect of talking to Jessica again made her happy. And it was Thursday. Emmett and Rosalie usually ate at the diner on Thursdays with the kids.

Sure enough, she'd no sooner entered the diner than Emmett and Rosalie's seven-year-old son, Henry, came barrelling at her. "Bella, Bella is that you?"

"Oof," Bella gasped as he hit her. She laughed as she wrapped her arms around him. "Hey, munchkin."

"I'm not a munchkin," he said with a groan. "Mommy says I'm going to be as big as Daddy one day." He took her by the hand, leading her over to their table.

Emmett was out of the booth, instantly sweeping her up into a tight bear hug. Rosalie greeted her similarly, but her narrowed eyes were on Edward.

Bella cleared her throat. "Emmett, I heard you've already met my husband."

Her big bear of a friend was visibly surprised she'd heard about their run in. "Yeah, once."

Edward offered his hand to Rosalie. "I'm-"

"Oh, I know who you are, Edward Cullen."

Bella saw his lips twitch, but he nodded and smiled easily at her.

The evening couldn't have been easy on him. Emmett and Jessica's digs were subtle, but it was clear they were trying to bait him.

Rosalie didn't bother to hide it.

"Funny," she said after Edward had made an innocuous comment how nice the deep blue of Bella's sweater brought out the color of her hair. "I heard you had a thing for blonds." Her eyes flicked to Jessica and back.

At that, Bella saw a flash of both shock and anger cross Edward's face before he tempered his reaction. "I'm not sure what you mean. I prefer brunettes." He looked over at Bella then with a smile that made her temporarily forget she was curious about exactly what Rosalie was referring to. Her breath caught as he reached out, curling a strand around his finger before he dropped his hand back to his lap.

The whole night, he deflected her friends' barbs and pushes with charm or indifference. He complimented Bella more than once, his words sincere. Yet though they were playing the part of a married couple, aside from the one time, he gave her space. Once, as they were walking back to the car, she thought he was going to take her hand. Instead, he shoved his hands into his pockets, almost as though he had to forcibly keep them there.

Bella put her own hands in her pockets, wondering if the strange longing she had, wishing he  _would_  reach out for her, was the specter of their past - mere muscle memory. After all, the last time he'd walked with her out of this diner had been when he came home for Thanksgiving when he was at Dartmouth. She'd worked at the diner in high school as well, and he'd come to pick her up the day he got back. He held her hand on the way to the car and greeted her good and proper once they were in the warm cab.

Bella shook away that memory as they started back toward the house. "What did Rosalie mean about you liking blonds? Where did that come from?"

Edward visibly stiffened, his hands tightening around the steering wheel. He chuffed and swallowed audibly. "I told you I ran into Emmett that day. Well, there was a reason he was less than pleased with me." He grimaced. "I was talking to Jessica, and I hadn't told her who I was. I was..." Another frown. "Flirting," he said quickly. He chanced a glance at her, his eyes pleading. "I swear it was harmless. Nothing risque. It's...It's no more than what I'm used to doing. The politics of business, remember?"

Bella's stomach was twisting up in uncomfortable knots. "But why, Edward? Why would you do that in the first place?"

She watched his lips work as he tried to find the words. "I was... There was so much I wanted to ask you, and I knew who she was. I knew she had answers."

"You couldn't have asked me?"

He looked at her then. "I couldn't at the time."

Bella fell silent, trying to think.

When they pulled up to the house, he did take her hand, his grip firm. "Bella, please. Whatever else I said and did, I wasn't trying to hurt you with her. I swear I wasn't."

"I believe you," Bella said quietly. The place they'd been in at any point in the last five months had been anything but straightforward.

It didn't escape her notice he'd taken her to the diner knowing full well her friends were less than pleased with him. He had to have known they would give him a hard time.

And despite his tendency to fly off the handle, he'd visibly controlled his anger with them.

Now, he looked vulnerable, as if he couldn't quite believe she would let it go at that.

"Really," she said gently, and she twined their fingers tighter together. "We're okay."  _About that, anyway_.

He looked relieved.

She was about to move to get out of the car again but he tugged her back. He seemed nervous. "I've been meaning to ask you... Have you... What happened with the maybe baby."

Bella blinked at him.

She knew what he was referring to, of course. As she'd told him, she'd been very aware of the fact they hadn't used protection the night of Esme's death. She'd been relieved when her period came the day before. "There's no baby, Edward."

"Oh," he said on a breath, releasing her hand and staring forward.

Looking at the slump of his posture, Bella was confused. "Are you... disappointed?"

Had he really wanted her to be pregnant? Bella had been terrified. As complex and utterly unstable as their relationship had been to date, adding a baby to that mix would have been a disaster. It was the absolute last thing they needed when they were trying to find stable ground around each other.

"No," he said quickly. Too quickly. "Well..." He pursed his lips, his expression a bit wistful as he stared out the window sightlessly. "It was... It's a nice idea in some ways. One life ends and another begins. I've always found that to be a very beautiful concept."

In another circumstance, if they'd been at a different point in their relationship, Bella could see the beauty behind it. She struggled to find a response.

He smiled at her ruefully, taking her hand again and playing with her fingers. Bella felt warmth spread through her at the gentle, intimate touch, but the feel to the air around them was slightly awkward.

Edward sighed quietly, staring down at their fingers. "You know what's been so hard about this whole thing we're doing?"

Bella scoffed, not unkindly, but didn't answer.

He smirked. "Besides everything," he allowed. "It's just... It's a... perversion of everything I dreamed of. You and me..."

"And baby makes three?"

He looked up at her, his eyes so inexplicably tender, her breath caught. He raised his free hand, cupping her cheek. His eyes fell briefly to her lips, and Bella swore in that moment he was going to kiss her.

She would have let him.

But then he dropped his hands and squeezed her fingers before he let go.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N:So many thanks to baburella and songster.  
> I'm sorry. I know a lot of you wanted the maybe baby but that would have been an unmitigated disaster.  
> How are we feeling?


	17. Chapter 17

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Well... here we go, lovelies.

Time was the answer to most frustrations.

For the last eight years, Bella's life had moved. There was always work, her father, her step-family. For a while, there had been Jacob.

Now, her life had stalled. Rather than resent it, as Bella thought she might, she felt the calm was a welcome respite. For the first time, she could think without having to move, without having to wonder where her next meal would come from or how she would pay the rent.

Money was not without its advantages.

Bella had lived her life with few regrets. Breaking Edward's heart, and everything she'd lost in doing so, had been at the crux of all of them. As heartbreaking as it was, as much as she ached every day with grief, it had repaired something in her heart to reconnect with Esme before she died.

She and Carlisle spent a lot of time in his office. At first, Bella thought she might be hurting him, asking as many questions about Esme as she could.

"Would you understand what I meant if I said it was a good ache?" he asked, squeezing her hand. "Edward and Alice... they find it difficult to talk about her right now, I think. Everyone deals with grief differently."

His look got far away and glassy, his lower lip trembling faintly for a moment before he rallied. "I can't not think about her. She's under my skin. There isn't a thought in my head that doesn't tie back to her. Our lives were just that way - entwined. These memories are only mine now."

He smiled at Bella, a wan smile. "It hurts, but it helps," he assured her.

They could talk for hours about his and Esme's lives before their kids were born, antics with baby Edward - fussy baby that he was - and later Alice as only a parent could see them.

One way or another, these people had been some of the most important people in her life once upon a time. Repairing those relationships, with Esme and now Carlisle, mended a hole in her heart for good.

And then, Edward.

He was courteous each morning, greeting her with tea and an offering of breakfast. He usually made lunch, too, seeing as Bella spent most mornings with Carlisle in his office talking.

Some days, Carlisle hardly ate at all. He spent a lot of time lost in his head. One such day, both Edward and Bella watched with worry on their faces as he wandered away from the table mid-conversation.

Bella was surprised when Edward took her hand, pulling her gently toward him for a hug. "You're helping him a lot, you know," he murmured near her ear.

She shivered, the sound of his rumbled words sending pleasant chills down her spine.

"Thank you," he said.

She had enough time to squeeze him back before he let her go. "I'm not doing anything," she insisted.

He only smiled at her, reaching up to brush her hair back in a tender motion.

It occurred to Bella then that much had changed between them in the last month or so. How funny, she thought to herself. She realized with a start it had been a while since she'd felt wary and defensive around him. She hadn't even noticed when that had faded away, but it was all but gone.

Prolonged exposure, she supposed. They'd stumbled a little in the beginning, like when they argued about whether or not she should take his money for school, but they were relearning each other. The more time went on, Bella was able to convince herself that Edward was done being antagonistic. At some point, it had sunk into the marrow of her bones that she really didn't have to walk on eggshells around him.

Tilting her head, Bella considered him with fresh eyes.

She'd seen a movie once with Nicolas Cage where he, a confirmed bachelor, was transported into a life where he had a wife, too many bills, and two kids. His little daughter had decided her daddy was replaced by a look-alike alien. Of course, good ol' Nick had learned the requisite lesson. He loved his wife, his kids, his responsibilities, and his little girl smiled with satisfaction, welcoming him back.

The man who smiled at Bella now was the same boy she'd grown up with. Her best friend, her first love. He'd just been displaced for a while, but now, it seemed, he was back.

Tentative, suddenly, inexplicably, nervous, she reached out, taking his hand this time. He looked down at their hands, blinking before he looked up at her again.

"How are you, Edward?"

"I'm-"

"Don't say you're fine," she warned. "You take care of your father; you've been taking care of your sister, and I got those leads you found for me. Thank you, by the way." She squeezed his fingers. "What are you doing for you?"

Edward's mouth was set in a thin line, but his expression was thoughtful. "I'm... I'm better than I should be."

"What does that mean?"

"I thought... I was sure having to watch my mother die was going to kill me." He shifted, his glance furtive. "That was one of the reasons I was so angry when I went back for you. I wanted my mother to be happy. I would have done anything to give her even a modicum of peace, but..." He looked up, his expression so honest and open it caught Bella off guard. Her heart twisted at the vulnerability she saw there. "Losing you... it destroyed me in a lot of ways. It was just so painful. Watching my mother die, knowing I couldn't do anything to stop it, and knowing I would have to live the rest of my life without her... I really didn't know how to deal with both pains at once.

"Now, I feel like I should be drowning in guilt. I lost so much time with her because I was wallowing, avoiding anything that reminded me of you." He laughed without humor. "Of course, at the same time, I was surrounding myself with the life we planned together, doing all the things we talked about doing without stopping to think if that was still what I wanted."

He pursed his lips, thinking a moment before he continued. "But I don't know. It's filled me with a purpose instead. I have no idea what I really want to do with my life." He smirked at her. "I think you understand that better than most. But for now, it's enough that I can push Alice to start living the life she wants. It's enough that I know I'm not going to leave my father alone. And..."

He dropped his gaze down to their joined hands, swallowing audibly. He scooted his chair closer to her slightly. "Bella." He was playing with her fingers "I really hope this doesn't come out the wrong way. It sounds... very condescending in my head, but that's not how I mean it."

Bella's stomach tightened, and her throat closed. She didn't know what he was about to say, but she took a deep breath, reminding herself to listen without defensiveness first.

"You should know that I forgive you." His words were quiet, sincere, and he looked her in the eyes as he spoke. "If my mother taught me anything before she passed, it was that I'm responsible for my own happiness. I can't say you didn't leave your mark, but I'm sure the same can be said of me for you. I'm done blaming you for the choices I made after you left me, and I understand why you did it."

Though part of her wants to be indignant, Bella was more stuck on a different sensation. For as long as she could remember, there was a weight on her shoulders, a binding on her heart that kept it caged. With Edward's words, that weight lifted, and Bella's heart soared - a bird flying for the first time since its wing broke.

Maybe it was the way he looked at her. The loss of her lover, her partner in this life, had been devastating, but it was the loss of her best friend that had crippled her.

Robbed of words, she surged forward, enveloping him in a tight hug. He wrapped his arms around her readily.

Somewhere inside her, the eighteen-year-old girl she'd been an age ago needed to hear those words from him.

After a little while, he squeezed her hard and let her go. "Do you want to see some of the houses we're looking at?" he offered.

Bella tilted her head, studying him for a long moment.

They were all tiptoeing around the elephant in the room. Where would Bella go when they moved, as they were planning to do in the next month?

"Just for fun," he said easily.

"Okay," she agreed. She let him take her hand and lead her upstairs.

~0~

It was only in the last week that Edward had gotten the balls to ask about Jacob Black. It was a masochistic, morbid curiosity, but he was endlessly curious about the man she'd at least tried to be with for a while.

Edward had never been able to make any of his relationships stick. It wasn't their fault. He was just more invested with work.

"He made me laugh," Bella had said. "He always could. He was nice, attentive, and very, very patient."

"Patient?"

She sighed. "You already know I wasn't in the best of places after you. The regret was eating me alive, but more than that, I was so lost about just... everything. And Jacob is younger than me, so he was just a kid to me anyway. He had a crush. I knew he did, but he didn't push, and I ignored it... Until I didn't."

"Sounds... nice," he'd said carefully.

"It was nice. Simple." Her smile was wistful when she looked up at him. "It was never going to last. I think I always knew that. At the end of the day, I know how... amazing not simple can be." She'd bumped her shoulder against his. "I wanted to try."

"So what happened?"

"Jacob made breaking up a lot easier. He was very possessive and jealous. The last straw was when I took a walk on First Beach with his best friend, Quil. Jacob totally lost it. He hit Quil and yelled at me. It wasn't the first time he'd overreacted about some guy talking to me or looking at me."

At the time, Edward counted himself above the likes of Jacob Black at least in that respect. He had his faults, but being a jealous asshole wasn't one of them. He was certain of this.

Edward was secure in this fact until he and Bella happened to go out for dinner at Pacific Pizza.

Now that the hole she'd torn in his heart was closing - still tender around the edges, but no longer an open wound - Edward found he enjoyed reclaiming his memories of their childhood. They'd spent so many summers hanging out there. It was not only the only place in town to get pizza, but one of the only restaurants as well.

They were having a good time, snickering as they recalled the summer when he was fourteen, and she was almost thirteen, and they tried the oddest combinations of pizza they could think of.

"Heya, Bells."

Edward jumped, startled to remember they weren't alone in a little bubble but out in public, in Forks, where people knew them. They'd been leaning across the table, but they both backed up now and looked toward the voice and the imposing figure that had come to stand by their booth.

"Hey, Jacob," Bella greeted. Her eyes darted to Edward then back, her posture becoming wary.

Before Edward could react, Jacob was sitting down beside Bella. She jerked to the side in time to avoid a lapful of obnoxious ex-boyfriend.

Edward bristled.

Jacob made a point of looking her up and down before he looked at Edward with a grin full of teeth. He offered his hand. "I'm Jacob Black. You must be the husband."

"Edward Cullen," he said tightly, finding himself in the typical handshake of death scenario. He was gratified when Jacob winced just perceptibly and further satisfied when he managed not to react to the other man's grip at all.

As he pulled back, Jacob stretched his arms over the booth. Of course, his fingers just happened to brush the back of Bella's neck.

Edward gritted his teeth.

They exchanged the usual pleasantries. Bella asked after his father and sister. He talked about seeing Charlie and Sue not that long ago and asked about married life.

"Gotten over your wild child days of jumping off cliffs with me, huh?" He waggled his eyebrows playfully at her.

"You jumped off cliffs?" Edward's voice raised just slightly at the end of his exclamation.

Bella rolled her eyes. "Into the water, and I jumped from pretty low down. Some of the guys from the reservation used to jump from higher up because they were insane."

Jacob chuckled. "You still got in trouble that one time." He looked at Edward. "A wave hit her too strong, and she almost drowned. I pulled her up."

Edward's stomach twisted, and he very suddenly felt light headed. He remembered those awful minutes on the beach in California believing Bella was out in the water, in danger.

What if she had drowned before he ever got her back?

Oblivious to his sudden distress, Jacob had turned to grin back at Bella. "So technically you still owe me a life debt."

"I'm not a Wookie." She threw some popcorn - which Pacific Pizza served like Mexican restaurants served chips - at him. Jacob caught most of them in his mouth, making her laugh, and she threw a few more with the same result. Obviously, they'd done this before.

Edward had to bite back a snarl.

Oh, hell. He was a jealous ass.

Luckily for him, Jacob finally got the not so subtle hints Bella was dropping. He stood, but paused at the head of their table. "Hey, Bells. It's your birthday next week. You think maybe I can buy you a drink. Or lunch. Or something. If hubby here doesn't mind."

Hubby minded quite a bit, but Edward ground his teeth together, knowing he had no right to stop Bella if that was what she wanted.

"We'll see, Jake."

After Jacob left, Edward was distracted. The rest of the meal was pleasant enough, but inwardly, Edward was wondering if he had the right to ask what he was about to ask.

They were in the car before he found the right words.

"Bella?"

"Hmm?"

"I would like very much if you spent your birthday with me." He went on quickly, before she could answer. "We always did that, remember? When we were friends. You told your parents you didn't want a party but every year, I would give you one anyway. I know you don't have plans with your dad. I heard you tell him you didn't care if he went on that fishing trip. So I think-"

He stopped when Bella laughed. "What?"

She shook her head. "Do you remember when you asked me to the dance? Our first date?"

"Of course."

"You laid it out just like that. All logical plot points."

He sighed. "So?"

"Okay."

His eyes nearly bulged out of his head. When had a yes from this girl ever come easily? "Okay?"

Her smirk was bemused. "I can take it back."

"No." His smile crept slowly across his face. "Where do you want to go? We can go anywhere you want."

"There is something I've always wanted to do."

"What?"

"You'll think it's stupid."

"It doesn't matter if I think it's stupid. It's your birthday. If you wanted me to go to England to have tea and crumpets in a little hat, I'm honor bound to say yes."

Bella laughed, and Edward found the sight of her grin made him happier than he'd been in a long time. "You should watch it. That's dangerously close to being a challenge." She hemmed. "But no."

"So what do you want?"

~0~

Bella's wish was simple.

Despite living not so far away, Bella had only ever done a handful of Seattle's most popular things. She'd been to the top of the Space Needle but not at night. She'd gone once to the aquarium on a field trip. She hadn't been to the EMP - the Experience Music Project - Museum at all.

The Seattle City Pass offered one low price for two trips to the top of the Space Needle - one at night and the other in the morning - admission to the Seattle Aquarium, a ticket for a harbor cruise, admission to the EMP museum and the Pacific Science Museum, and entrance to the Woodland Park Zoo or the Museum of Flight.

They got to the aquarium as it opened and enjoyed a quick tour before the usual plethora of kiddies showed up. Edward took Bella's picture posing as a jellyfish, and he complained that the tide pools near La Push were better stocked than what the aquarium had.

"We could drive down really quick and get them something interesting," he proposed, and Bella laughed. He bought her a small, adorable, stuffed sea otter doll holding hands with its mate, and delighted in her pleased smile.

They ate breakfast on the harbor tour boat, enjoying being out on the water and listening to the history of Seattle's skyline. When Bella wandered outside to get a closer look at the sea lions - rejected as mates for the season they were told - and shivered in the cool, September air, Edward put his arm around her. She looked up at him, smiled, and snuggled close, letting him hold her.

Because the rain was not yet threatening, they walked from the pier to the Space Needle. They visited the top first for their day trip. The wind made it bitterly cold, and Edward took a picture of Bella with her hair whipping about crazily while she laughed. Inside, he bought them both hot chocolate to warm them up again.

The Pacific Science Museum and the EMP Museum were in the same square as the Space Needle. Since neither of them had been inside, they visited the EMP museum. They played like kids with the various sound booths and took a picture on a Harley outside the leather jacket exhibit.

But the highlight of the EMP museum was the Science Fiction Museum that was located in the same building.

There, they found many interactive exhibits, but the best was the shadow monster maker. Their shadows were projected on a white wall but made to look spooky with odd appendages, eyes, and growling things coming out of the shapes they made with their bodies. Edward and Bella started out side by side, but the more they played, the more they began to twist themselves together, trying to make the weirdest monster possible.

They were both laughing, their hands on each others bodies creating blank spaces where blinking eyes would appear. Bella was practically gasping for air when they made a creature with what had to be a good 13 eyes and a big, belching mouth. She turned to him and...

Suddenly, they were both very aware of the position they found themselves in.

Their smiles died on their lips, the mood between them going from lighthearted to something much heavier.

It took only a small movement for Edward to slide his hand from her shoulder to her neck and up along the side of her face. She watched him, turning her body so she was pressed up against him fully. His other hand went to the small of her back, and her hands slid down to his waist.

For a long handful of breaths, they only stared at each other, the noises of the gloopy monster they were creating now far away to Edward's ears. He could swear the hammering of his heart against his chest was audible above all the noises - the howling, the snorting, the spooky sounds.

He whispered her name, watching her tongue dart out over her lips.

Her eyes closed, and she pushed up onto the balls of her feet, closing the distance between her mouth and his.

In these last six months, he'd kissed her so many times.

Kisses that were a ruse, part of the act.

Kisses that were a physical manifestation of his fury, his resentment that she still had such control over him.

Kisses that marked his fervent relief that she was alive and whole in front of him instead of taken out by the surf.

Kisses that were an act of desperation because he was in so much pain after his mother's death, he needed to forget, he needed to feel alive.

But she'd never kissed him first.

Damned if it wasn't the sweetest moment of his life. It was hope, because he'd wondered to himself in the small of the night as he slept in the bedroom down the hall from his wife if, at the end of this all, he would be left in love on his own. It was relief, because he'd wondered if he really was in love with her, or if it was just another facet of his inability to let go of what they'd had so many years ago when they were both children.

No. Her kiss was home. Her kiss was all things missing from his empty life. He was in love with her, and her kiss told him she had not forgotten.

God, how he'd missed this. She was made for him. Her lips fit his, moved with his like a choreographed dance. Her body tucked up against his just right, her head tilted up. The same, and yet...

Different.

If anything, better. This was so much more. They weren't children playing at love. They'd stripped each other of every idealistic, naive belief, knocked themselves off pedestals and thrown each other into the mud. They'd seen the very worst of each other, the ugliness.

Yet they were still capable of this breathtakingly beautiful moment. It was glorious and terrifying and while some part of Edward understood it would be over sooner than later - they were in public after all - he was going to soak up every second he could.

He understood when they parted, their world wouldn't be the same. As wrapped up as he was in the magic, the passion he felt for the woman in his arms, some part of him was aware they were teetering on the brink. He'd told her once he didn't know how to be friends with her, and that hadn't changed.

When their kiss broke, they would fall off and land on one side or the other.

But Edward didn't want to think about that yet. He wanted to kiss this girl, this woman, until somebody forced him to return to reality.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Many thanks to barburella and songster and all of you with your lovely responses.
> 
> How we doin', kids?


	18. Chapter 18

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A.N: Oh, I forgot to tell you. If you follow me on twitter or follow my author page on FB, the image is me making a shadow monster at the EMP museum.

Once upon a time, Bella had been a part of something beautiful.

The grown woman she'd become recognized what an absurd child she'd been. All teenagers thought they knew everything. Most of their adult incarnations looked back with the knowledge they hadn't known shit - not about the real world and not about the people they would become. Edward and Bella were no different.

Still, for the length of one heartbeat, one breath, Bella's whole world was perfect - a beautiful painting most people only fantasized about, adult or not.

Bella firmly believed all love was true, but that didn't make the people involved any less human, any less breakable. It was a nice idea but not one based in reality.

Beautiful and consuming as their love was, it didn't stop Bella from destroying what they had. Like a temperamental artist who made a small mistake and rather than erase and start over, she'd destroyed every pencil, every paintbrush.

Their love was strong enough to withstand anything, but Bella wasn't. Edward proved no stronger than she. Their love, the overwhelming thing they felt for each other, never wavered in its vibrancy, but the couple themselves crumpled at the first hurdle life threw at them.

Life had taught Bella that, year after year, most people were torn down and rebuilt, maybe not from the ground up, but in pieces and parts. Strength of the soul was like any muscle: it had to be ripped apart to come back stronger.

She certainly wasn't the same girl she'd been when she fell in love with Edward Cullen the first time.

The first time she fell in love, she was fearless - a pretty little fool who didn't know the stakes to the game she was playing. The second time was terrifying.

And breathtaking.

And exhilarating.

And. Yeah. Terrifying.

After their first kisses were interrupted by an irritated parent whose kid had been waiting forever to make monsters, Edward and Bella had skirted around the rest of the museum in a daze.

Neither of them spoke, and what he might be thinking, Bella couldn't begin to guess. Her own thoughts were chaotic - giddy, but definitely chaotic.

Just what in the hell did they think they were doing now?

He held her hand, stroking his thumb over her knuckles until he found the Jimi Hendrix exhibit. There, he led her to a roundabout of seats. He pushed theirs together, a smirk playing at his lips that erased the last of her worries. To hell with logic. To hell with making sense of any of this.

She grinned back as he picked up the set of noise-canceling headphones at her seat. He leaned in, ghosting kisses along her jaw, making a path up to her ear. "Close your eyes," he whispered. The low rumble of his voice and his nearness sent thrills down her spine.

Moments after she obeyed, she felt him fit the headphones over her ears. Another handful of seconds later, and her world was nothing but the sound of Jimi Hendrix and his guitar. She felt the pulse of the rhythm in her bloodstream.

And then she felt Edward's mouth over hers. His hands at her sides, his fingers tap, tap, tapping along to the song that played.

It was Hendrix. It was a fast song, and his kisses moved to the fervent pace. His mouth pressed against hers, leading her in a dance with their lips and tongues moving in perfect simpatico.

There was nothing but this, no outside world at all.

When the song faded away, Bella was breathless. She was panting. He was, too. They breathed in their mingled hot air, and it was only then Bella realized how completely tangled up they were - arms around each other, legs bent together.

A movement out of the corner of her eye caught Bella's attention. They weren't alone. Of course they weren't alone. It was a weekday, but it was a museum. There were others milling around the exhibit.

Clearing her throat, Bella reluctantly untangled herself from Edward. He only smiled, ducking his head to press a quick kiss to her chin before he backed off.

Bella's thoughts felt cloudy until they were outside again and the cold air chilled her fevered cheeks. She shivered. Edward wrapped his arm around her, tucking her to his side. She looked up, he looked down, and it was too easy to share yet another kiss as they walked toward the science museum.

The rest of the day passed much like this. They played, as they had before, enjoying each other's company, but now with added kisses every time the mood struck them. Neither of them could seem to get enough. It was like opening a bag of the most decadent treats, swearing you were only going to eat one, then two.

What would happen, she wondered, when the bag was gone?

Day gave way to evening, and they rode to the top of the Space Needle for the second time that day. If anything, the wind was even more biting, but Bella hardly felt it. Almost as soon as they'd found a spot on the observation deck, Edward pulled her into his arms and kissed her on top of the world.

They took a taxi back to his car. On the ride there, Bella snuggled up against him, resting her head against his chest and breathing in his scent, his warmth. His chin rested against the top of her head, and his fingers traced a small circle on her arm.

It was a short car ride, and then they had to break apart for the longer drive back to Forks. Edward held her hand over the shifter as they talked quietly about everything and nothing.

They were both quiet when they pulled up to the house. Edward took the couple of bags they'd accumulated, just a few odds and ends he'd seen fit to buy her while they were out and about, in one hand and held her hand with the other. The house was quiet, so they ascended the stairs together.

Edward stepped with her into the room she'd been in alone for a month and a half now. His eyes were on her as he set down the bags. Every inch of Bella's skin felt alive, aware.

She wasn't at all sure what she wanted him to do. Her body called for him, yearning for his touch, his skin against hers. Her heart wasn't nearly as confident, and it cried out for her to be careful.

He reached out, his fingers skimming along her cheek until his whole palm fitted one side of her face. Bella let out a shudder of a sigh, closing her eyes and pressing her hand against his. He shuffled another step closer, his body brushing hers, and began to drizzle little kisses to her temple.

"Did you have a good day, Bella?" As he spoke, he brought his other hand to the small of her back, and Bella wound an arm around his waist.

"Mmhmm," she hummed with a sigh. "Best birthday in a long time, actually."

His breath was hot against her hairline. He kissed down the bridge of her nose so slowly, tenderly. "That makes me very happy."

Her hand slipped up, over the musculature of his back. She tilted her head up to catch his lips and grinned at him wickedly. "The point was to make me happy, remember? It's my birthday."

A smile crept up one side of his mouth, and he nuzzled her with the tip of his nose. He stepped forward, forcing her to step backward. One more step and her back was pressed against the door, her heart pounding hard against her chest. Startled, her arms wrapped around his neck, and she held on, suddenly breathless.

His body pinned her against the door as he kissed her. It was a serious kind of kiss, slow but insistent. His tongue teased hers, and when she leaned forward, he broke their kiss, smirking when she whined a little at the back of her throat. "Are you happy?"

When her head was spinning crazily, like she was drunk except without the twinge in her stomach? "Yes." Her answer was breathy and quickly drowned out as she kissed him. He splayed his hands flat on the door on either side of her head, returning her kisses with equal urgency.

Bella's heart begged her to be sensible, but she could hardly hear it over the commotion of her desire. She was dizzy with want.

But.

She sighed against his lips, her hands slipping down to his shoulders.

But.

With a noise that was part growl, part gasp, Edward pulled away from her. He didn't go very far, but it was enough that her brain kicked into gear again. She groaned, ducking her head against his neck.

Being an adult not ruled by teenage hormones sucked sometimes.

Edward chuckled, stroking his fingers through her hair before he took another step away from her. He kissed her again, this kiss lacking the kind of heat that would get them in trouble, but making up for it in sweetness. "I should let you get some sleep."

"Back to the real world tomorrow," Bella mumbled, thinking out loud. She pushed off the door, opening it to let him go.

Before he crossed the threshold into the hallway, Edward reached back, grabbing her hand. The look on his face was so intensely vulnerable, it put an expression to the hesitant uncertainty that lingered at the back of her mind, waiting for the right moment to rear its ugly head.

Edward pressed his lips together before he finally spoked. "Is it going to be different tomorrow?"

Her throat tightened painfully. "I don't know."

He stared at her for a beat longer, looking as though he wanted to say something more. Instead, he raised his free hand, brushing the backs of his knuckles over her lips. "Happy birthday, Bella."

With that, he took a step backward, officially in the hallway. He squeezed her hand once more before letting it drop and walking back to his room.

~0~

The day after Bella's birthday, Edward was driving right back to Seattle. This time, his whole family and Jasper were with him.

And Bella, of course.

She was sitting in the backseat, having relinquished the passenger seat to Carlisle, citing legroom issues. She was short. Carlisle was not. Neither was Jasper, but he was young and not driving.

Of course, that left Bella next to Alice in the back seat. Edward kept looking in the mirror, wondering if he was imagining the tension in the car.

"I think it's great that you're doing this, Alice," Bella said, her tone unassuming.

"Yeah, I'll just bet."

Obviously, Edward was not imagining it. He glared at his sister in the mirror, but she wasn't looking up.

Ever the trooper, Bella soldiered on. "I think it's a very brave thing to do. You have a really good reason to stay here, but you also have every reason to go. I've been there a few times, and I wasn't brave enough to take that leap."

Alice gave a little humph at first, but then she sighed. "I'm really nervous."

Jasper reached over, taking her hand. "Dream big, baby girl. You can do anything."

Glancing over his shoulder, Carlisle smiled at his daughter. "And we'll be here when you come home again."

~0~

After dropping Alice and Jasper off at the airport, the rest of the family went to view a few houses.

"This one might be ideal." Carlisle stood at the backdoor of the ample house, peering at the spacious backyard.

The realtor nodded enthusiastically. "A detached mother-in-law unit so the kids have their space. And your grandkids will be able to skedaddle right across the lawn to see granddad."

Edward's gaze darted to Bella. She was blushing, biting her lower lip as she looked down at her feet. "I'm, um... I'm going to go look at the bedrooms."

They watched her beat a hasty retreat. The realtor looked concerned. "I'm sorry, did I-"

"It wasn't you," Edward assured him. He turned to his father and smiled tightly. "Why don't you go check out the little house? I'll talk to Bella."

"Okay." He clapped Edward's shoulder. "Good luck."

Edward climbed the stairs, not knowing what to expect. He had the horrible feeling that the trepidation he'd felt leaving her room the night before was about to be validated. Yesterday had been a good day - dangerously close to perfect, in fact. It felt so much like that world would be lost to him when he woke up the next morning.

All day, he'd felt needy for her. He'd sought out little touches from her. At breakfast, he'd nudged her foot with his, earning a small smile and a subtle game of footsie. After Alice and Jasper walked away, she'd pressed her hand to his back in a comforting gesture. When he held her hand as they toured houses, she hadn't pulled away.

But that didn't mean the tentative happiness he'd found wasn't about to come crashing down around him.

He found Bella in the master bedroom, staring out the big window down at the ample yard. He felt a rush of lightheadedness.

For a second, just a second, he saw a vision of the future flash before his eyes. He saw this room, done up to their own tastes. He imagined walking to her, wrapping his arms around her from behind while they stared out the window at their children playing in the lawn.

A vision of the future that was a specter of their past.

Swallowing down the tightness in his throat, Edward stepped into the room. "Hey," he said.

She didn't turn right away, and when she did, she only angled her body in his direction without looking at him. "I think we need to at least tell Carlisle we're getting a divorce, if not the whole story," she said in a rush.

Edward sucked in a breath, feeling like he'd been punched in the gut.

"I mean, it's only fair. You both should be looking at homes that suit your needs, not mine."

"I..." Edward found he didn't have the voice to continue. He took a gulp of air, trying like hell to loosen the knot threatening to close off his lungs. "Do you-"

Before he could think of what to say, they heard Carlisle and the realtor's voices coming from the stairwell.

Bella's shoulders rose and fell sharply. "We should talk tonight."

Edward could only nod.

~0~

The rest of the day was horrendously long.

Edward was withdrawn most the rest of the day, lost in his thoughts as he made argument after argument in his head.

Had her birthday meant nothing to Bella? Hell, the tightrope they'd been walking since he stormed back into her life... had any of that even sunk in for her?

He vacillated, so tempted to fall into old patterns. Maybe she really was as cold-hearted as he'd assumed her to be.

Or maybe she had every reason to run screaming from him at this point. His anger had burned itself out too late.

Maybe it had always been too late for them.

By the time they got to the hotel, Edward was beyond worked up. It was all he could do not to grab Bella and run off to where he could confront her,destroy the possibility of them once and for all or...

Or convince her to give him a chance.

Edward was jarred back into the present when Carlisle pressed a keycard in his hand. He looked down, blinking at the thing without any comprehension. "This is your and Bella's room," his father explained. "I'm tired. I'm going to go lay down."

He tilted his head, giving his son a significant look. Work it out, the look said.

Edward could almost hear his mother's voice backing Carlisle up.

With a tight nod, Edward went out to the car to get the luggage and his reluctant bride.

Thankfully, Bella didn't say anything as they parked the car. It gave Edward some time to formulate an opening argument. They got out of the car, Bella shouldering the duffel bag with all their toiletries and Edward rolled the single suitcase along. He opened the door for her.

She hadn't really looked at them since before their interrupted conversation.

Edward closed the door, setting down the suitcase, and watched her look about the room, her eyes lingering on the single bed.

"I don't want to divorce you."

His words startled both of them. Her eyes finally snapped up to his. She took a deep breath. "Edward-"

He crossed the room quickly, gripping her shoulders. His hold wasn't hard. She easily could have stepped away, but she didn't. Her eyes locked with his his, her words dying on her lips.

Edward swallowed hard. His heartbeat was loud in his ears. "It hasn't been easy for us. I know we... I..." He closed his eyes, taking two full seconds to calm his stuttering. When he opened his eyes again, his voice was steadier though he felt anything but.

The answer to his next question could break them, could break him.

"Do you not want us at all? Not even the slightest bit?"

He held his breath.

"Edward," she whispered.

His shoulders tensed, preparing for the final no.

"Yes, I want us." Her words were so soft, Edward almost thought he'd imagined them.

He exhaled with a noisy gust.

"But I don't think the two thoughts are connected," she hurried on. "I know a divorce is usually the end of a relationship, but it doesn't have to be that way for-"

Edward was entirely too elated to let her continue. He surged forward, his hands going up to cradle her face as he kissed her. It was a hard kiss, both joyous and relieved. It was a kiss that was the embodiment of every moment of adoration that had been tamped down or overruled by anger these last few months. All his pent up passion, the love he'd been terrified to let himself feel, engulfed him like flames.

And Bella's body responded to his. She kissed him back, her hands making fists in his shirt. His hands went down to her waist. They stumbled with the sudden, incredible strength of the emotion between them. Off balance, Edward's shoulder collided with the wall. He shifted, not letting her go but turning them so he was leaning against the wall and she was leaning on him.

When he had to breathe, he pressed open mouth kisses to her neck, reveling in the tiny moan he drew out of her. "You want this?"

"Yes," she said, her voice breathless.

He kissed the edge of her jaw and lifted his head. Pressing two fingers to her chin, he turned her head toward him. "You want me?"

Her lips turned up. "Yes," she whispered. Her arms were around his neck, her hands in his hair. "You want me?"

Winding his arms around her as if he could consume her whole, he peppered a smattering of kisses across the bridge of her nose. "Yes."

He spun them so it was her against the wall, kissing her again. This kiss was slower, building. She whimpered, or he whimpered; it was difficult to tell. Either way the rest of the world was melting away by the millisecond.

When Bella hitched her leg up around his, Edward took the opening to pull her up his body. He was mostly supporting her weight as he stumbled a few steps backward, falling onto the bed with her on top of him.

This was, it occurred to his lust-muddled brain, a very new position for them. He explored her with his hands, running his fingers from her back down to cup her ass.

God, she felt good. Her weight was perfect on top of him, her kisses-

"Oh, God." Bella was panting as she pulled back slightly, but their kiss wasn't broken for long. She came right back for more. "We have to stop," she mumbled against his lips.

"We do?" Something wasn't computing to him. This was Bella and she was in his arms and she wanted to be in his arms and he wanted her there.

And it wasn't like she was in a hurry to move.

"What are we doing?" she groaned, but she kissed the underside of his jaw. "We need to be smarter about this." She claimed his mouth again. "We need to do it right."

Edward had some suggestions about how they could do it right, but despite the way she kissed him, moved on him, the tone of Bella's voice caught his attention.

The atmosphere between them was always so intense. The pinnacle of love. The utter destructive force of rage. They needed to calm down. If they wanted this chance that they could find each other again, reclaim what was rightfully theirs, they needed to talk.

"Fuck," Edward growled. He wrapped his arms around her again, rolling them onto their sides. He didn't let her go, but he did wiggle backward a bit, giving them some space. He closed his eyes. Their breath mingled in the air between them, and Bella didn't try to disentangle herself. They waited.

"Okay," Edward finally said. He sat upright, bringing her with him. "Okay. Let's talk."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Wee. Thanks to Songster for everything <3
> 
> Okay, okay. Let's all assume I hear your cries of cockblocker... what else do you think?


	19. Chapter 19

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Shorty chapter, but I think you'll enjoy it.

Bella knew they needed to talk. Her brain and body were in protest mode. Her body was still all sorts of turned on and indignant. What was so great about talking? He wanted her. She wanted him. It was an equation as old as the world, and really, why not?

Her brain was no help in the matter. Her most coherent thought at the moment was along the lines of, "Wubba dub, uh, huh?"

"What are we talking about?"

Beside her, Edward laughed. He brushed the pad of his finger over the tip of her nose, his expression so adoring, she was disarmed. "Honey, you're the one who said we needed to stop. You tell me."

At his smile, her heart fluttered, a different kind of warmth spreading throughout her body than covered her overheated skin. But then her heart panged, and she remembered this was Edward Cullen. This man had always had a power over her she didn't understand and could never control.

They were too volatile together not to need to be careful. She'd shattered his heart and her own once before. He'd wounded her to the core. The waters needed to be clear before they let this ship sail or they would sink.

"Right," she said, mostly to her heart. It was begging her to be careful.

She'd been rehearsing this speech all day, and he'd interrupted her with his kisses."I want..." She took his hands. "Everything between us is very confusing. I know what I feel for you, and I know what I want. I wish..." She trailed off, watching as his fingers moved along hers, squeezing, massaging. She sighed. "I used to dream about us getting back together."

"Did you?"

She nodded without looking up at him. She couldn't just yet. "I imagined we would run into each other. Maybe I would go to New York - I always wanted to visit - or you would come back, and we would run into each other." Her lips turned up with the memories of her daydreams, but then she frowned. "Of course, dreams are easier. You were never angry. Sometimes you were happy with someone else, but you were never angry."

"I'm not angry anymore." His tone was fervent, begging her to believe.

Bella looked up. "I know that." She took a deep breath, forcing herself to be honest. Honesty was imperative if they were going to do this. "I believe you, but I still feel like you're going to snap at me."

Edward hung his head, looking down at her hands. "It's understandable. I snapped at you constantly for months; I can't expect you to just take my word for it. Time, I suppose, will convince you."

"I like the idea of time."

He looked up, finding her eyes, and he smiled.

"This marriage is built on ugliness, Edward. You hated me."

"I never hated you."

Bella twisted her engagement ring around her finger. "You flung this at me. Remember? This marriage is lies and deceit and all our anger. It's... tainted with that. With all that and with the weight of knowing it was tied to the timeline of your mother's illness."

He opened his mouth, but she hurried on. "I know. I'm ready to put that behind us. I am. And I love you. I don't want to walk away." She shook her head, holding his gaze. "But I'm not ready to be married to you. We aren't there yet."

"I know." His voice sounded tight. He tugged her hand. "Will you come here?" He offered her a small smile. "I promise I'll be good."

Bella let him pull her onto his lap. He looked on her with a sort of reverence, tracing the lines of her face first with his eyes and then with his thumb. He kissed her once - a chaste kiss, cradling her face in his hands. "I don't want to divorce you." His tone was quiet but strong. "Not you. I..." He huffed. "I won't say I made a mistake marrying you, because I don't feel that. My mother was happy that day even if we weren't, and I won't regret any decision that brought you back to me, however messy it's been.

"I already hate that the day that should have been the happiest day of our lives was... well, what it was." He smoothed her hair back. "Divorce is an ugly word. I don't want to add any more ugliness to us."

"It's just a word," she said softly.

"When I thought about marrying you, I never thought I'd be divorcing you."

"No one gets married thinking about divorcing. That's the point." She wrapped her arms around his neck, bringing her fingers up under his chin. "Vows aren't magical. They don't keep people together. And being divorced doesn't mean we have to separate."

"If divorce is just a word then so is marriage. We don't have to act married. Stay in a different room." He pursed his lips. "Or do what you have to do. I'm not going to stop you. Whatever you need. Why not let us stay married on paper as long as we're not breaking up?"

"Try to think of this logically. Marriage is just a piece of paper, but that paper is a contract with the government. It would affect everything for me. I couldn't get financial aid at school because they'll think I'm stinking rich like you."

Edward made a face. "Then let me pay. Let me help you go back to school. You've put it off long enough."

Bella sighed. "I need to be able to stand on my own."

"You would be standing on your own. What's the difference, Bella? Is it different than getting a scholarship? You get financial aid, you'll have to pay it back. You won't have to pay me back."

"And if we don't work out?" She stroked the back of his neck when she asked, but he still winced.

"Then it would be a consolation prize." He sighed when she gave him a dirty look. "If... If we don't work out, at least you wouldn't have wasted your time. You'll be in school, well on your way toward the life you want. Or, hell, Bella. If it really makes you feel better, can't you consider it a loan? Zero interest. Pay me back at your own rate, and I'll never mark you delinquent."

He readjusted her on his lap so she was tight against him. "Bella, I know we're not there yet. I know. But... If you do love me-"

"It's not about love. You realize that, right?" She kissed him, a butterfly kiss. "I am in love with you. I can't help it. I never could. But that doesn't mean our lives are compatible anymore. They might not be."

"But they could be. I mean, tell me if I'm wrong. Tell me where we clash. You're free, and you know what you want. There's no reason being with me has to stop you. And me..." He tilted his head to touch hers. "God, Bella, the only thing I do know for sure is that I want you. Everything else in my life is one giant question mark."

Bella's eyes fluttered closed as she brushed her nose against his. "It can't be like that. You can't build your life around me again. It's too much pressure."

"I know that." He nipped at her lips. "I never make the same mistake twice. One and one is two, and we'll be stronger for it." He kissed her, a lingering kiss. "I don't want to divorce you." His voice vibrated against her lips. "Please just think about it. I'll give you anything you want, any amount of space. This is the only thing I'll ask of you." Again, his kiss lingered, his tongue languid against hers. "Compromise," he said seconds or minutes later. "It's part of a healthy relationship."

Bella sighed. "You don't fight fair, Cullen."

He pulled back and wrapped his arm around her, fitting his hand to her cheek. "I fight hard when I have something worthwhile to fight for." He kissed her sweetly. "Or someone."

The hesitation in Bella's heart was only a whisper by then. It quieted still more at the reverence of his kisses. Her mouth moved with his in perfect synchronicity.

He shifted with her still wrapped in his arms, and laid her back on the bed. He leaned over her, his hand ghosting down her side.

When his hand grazed her breast, she whimpered.

Edward released her lips, propping himself up on his arm. "Slow. I know." He stroked her cheeks and nose with the tip of a finger, the look in his eyes tender. "Will you let me touch you?"

Breathless, she nodded. His hand went to the front of her shirt, and he unbuttoned it deftly as he kissed her. He pulled her up, helping her out of her shirt and bra. Propped up on one elbow, his eyes drank her in. Bella felt her cheeks flush at the lust in his gaze.

"You are so gorgeous." He cupped her breast, brushing a thumb over her nipple. He kissed her lips, her chin. He nudged her with his nose, and she tilted her head back so he could kiss her neck.

Her breath stuttered as his finger traced the circle of her areola, and he dragged his teeth along her collarbone. He kissed the top of each of her breasts, and her hand rested on the back of his head.

"Is this okay?" he asked, pressing a moist kiss to her skin just above her nipple.

"Mmhmm."

His mouth closed around her, the tip of his tongue titillating her flesh. She gasped.

As he rained kisses and licks to her nipples and around her breasts, his fingers drifted downward. She drew in a sharp breath, feeling her gooseflesh rise along her stomach as his hand paused, fingers brushing just above the hem of her jeans.

"Is this okay?" he asked again.

"Yes. Edward." The words were hardly more than a breath, a sigh that slipped over her lips.

He undid the button of her jeans and slipped his hand into her panties. His fingers found what they were looking for readily.

"Oh." Her hips bucked up to meet his hand, the movement rippling out so her chest heaved under his mouth.

"You like this?" The way his voice rumbled against her skin made her nipples only harder, and Bella groaned.

"Yes."

"You're so wet." He slipped two fingers inside her, his thumb pressing down on her clit. He kissed his way back up her body, tugging on her earlobe with his teeth. "I want to taste you."

Bella's whole body coiled tighter at his words, her walls clenching around his fingers. "Can I taste you?"

Her head was spinning in the most pleasant way. "Yes." The word was a plea.

Edward wasted no time. He sat up, his smile bright as he pulled her pants and panties down. He settled quickly between her spread legs, skimming his nose along the coarse hairs between her thighs. His fingers still worked her until his kisses found her clit.

He'd been good at this in high school.

Time had only made him better.

"Oh Christ. Oh, sweet fuck." Her fingers tangled in his hair, and her body writhed. He licked and sucked and had his hands all over her until her body thrashed. She screamed his name when she came and whispered it as she caught her breath.

She tugged on his ear, and he followed her silent direction, pressing a kiss to her belly and the valley between her breasts. She drew trembling fingers along his neck before she brought his head down to hers. Her kiss was slow, her tongue lapping her own taste from his mouth.

When Bella started to snake her hands between his legs, Edward caught her by the wrist.

"Sleep with me," he asked, kissing the spot between her lips and her nose. "Just sleep."

She twisted her fingers so she could hold his hand. "Okay."

His grin spread slow across his face."Yeah? I would sleep on the floor, you know, if you wanted."

"No. Sleep with me."

He gave her one more soft kiss. "Okay."

~0~

It was a few days later, a few wonderful days with kissing and touching, when Bella finally told Edward what she'd decided.

"I won't divorce you, and if we make it to the beginning of the spring semester, I'll let you help me with school."

Edward blinked at her in shock. He'd been mentally preparing for her to insist they divorce. It was rational, he knew, but he still didn't want to do it. He was a romantic at heart, and he wanted very much to believe in a happily ever after with the woman who would always be the love of his life.

"Really?" He stepped over to her, wrapping his arm around her waist and pulling her to his side.

She melted against him. "I have conditions."

"Anything."

"I don't want to live in the new house. I do think we need our space."

Disappointment made a thick knot in Edward's throat, but he nodded. "That makes sense."

"If we do that, I want to tell our parents the truth. My friends too because I don't want to give up my old life. I love them too." She watched him, her eyes somewhat wary as she waited for his answer.

Again, his throat felt right and his mouth dry. He swallowed hard and took her hand, raising it to his lips. "Okay."

She raised an eyebrow. "Okay?"

"Yes."

She grinned, pushing up on her tiptoes to kiss him. When she giggled into his mouth, he laughed too, letting elation well in him.

When they pulled apart, he tapped her smiling lips with his finger. "My girlfriend is my wife," he mused.

She pulled off her engagement ring and the wedding band, putting both in the palm of his hand and closing his fingers around them. "Give these back to me one day."

It struck him as so uniquely them. For any other couple, her giving him back his rings would signify an end. While it was a bittersweet moment, Edward found himself filled with nothing but hope. He took off his ring and offered it to her. "I will."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Soooo there.
> 
> Thanks so much to barburella and songster.
> 
> How are we feeling, my girls?


	20. Chapter 20

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Hope everyone had a fabulous Fourth (or fourth if you're not American). I got some writing done heheh.

They told Carlisle first. It was an obvious choice. He was the only one who would notice immediately if his daughter-in-law disappeared from the house.

If Edward had just one wish, just one chance to go back and change a single choice, it would have been this one - to make the version of the truth they spun a reality. Parts of it were still the same.

When Carlisle called Edward that day, urging him to come home, his son had resisted, as per usual, and he said those fateful words.

"Your mother is dying."

Carlisle Cullen would never said those words unless they were absolute certainty. He was a doctor, and a good one. He didn't use the word dying unless it was inevitable

So hearing his father say those words left Edward reeling. He knew there was nothing to be done. There was no treatment left to try or miracle to pray for. He'd never felt so helpless and guilt-ridden in his life. He would have done anything, absolutely anything, to fix it, and since he understood he could not fix his mother, he wanted to fix what he could.

He could give her the peace of mind. It was the only gift he had left.

That much was true.

In the story he and Bella told, Edward merely went to visit Bella with a plan in mind. He asked if she would consider marrying him for the sake of giving his mother a few happy months. It would be a sham marriage, but she would owe him nothing.

Bella told her part. How she'd made a mistake she didn't know how to come back from. How she missed Esme, Carlisle, and even Alice so much. Like Edward, she regretted all the time lost, time Esme no longer had. She jumped at the chance to see them all again, to reconnect and make amends. After all, she hadn't gotten to say goodbye to the rest of the family at all the first time around.

Edward was stunned into silence when he realized how easily this tale could have been reality. Bella would have agreed to his plan regardless of how he went about it. Once he laid down the situation, all he had to do was say please, probably not even that, and she would have said yes.

And then, the end of the story would have been a foregone conclusion.

"It's given us a chance to reconnect," Bella said, taking Edward's hand as she spoke. "We want to try again."

Edward was quiet as he stared into her eyes. She loved him. She loved him when he'd been so needlessly cruel to her. Despite how badly she'd broken his heart when she was hardly more than a girl, he could not excuse the way he'd treated her. It would have been as easy as breathing if only he'd been civil to her from the get go.

Now, in spite of everything, they did have a second chance. It would be harder than it had to be, but then that was how Edward seemed to approach life.

Smiling, Edward brought Bella's hand to his lips and he pressed a kiss there. He was giving her a second chance, and she was doing the same for him. They were putting their past behind them and starting fresh. That was the point of all this honesty.

Well. Quasi honesty.

Carlisle rubbed a hand over his chin, looking at them both with an expression Edward couldn't read. Then, to Edward's surprise, his father smiled. "You did make her happy, you know. Peaceful." He shook his head, his expression far off. "You were her biggest worry, Edward. She died believing you were going to be okay after all."

Edward's lips tugged down. He hated the idea he'd given his mother any worry at all, but rationally, he knew that was inevitable. Mothers worried. That was simple, unavoidable truth.

"You remember she talked to you the day she died?" Carlisle went on.

"Of course."

"She knew, I think." He gestured between Edward and Bella. "I was the one who wanted to believe your lies, but Esme knew. But when she hung up the phone that day, she took my hand and she said, 'Our boy will be fine. He and Bella will be just fine.' It was practically the last thing she said."

Edward blinked, his eyes glassy as he looked at his father. He wondered if his mother knew the truth - that even then his anger wavered, and his bitterness was being chipped away. And when she died, she took the last of his anger with him.

Could she have known it would happen? Was that why she pressed him to really look at his past, really see that the life he'd built up in his head wasn't worth clinging to? Was that why she'd sent him away to California with Bella, because she knew she was running out of time, and he just needed that one final push?

"We will be fine." Edward said the words to Bella, squeezing her hand.

Looking back at him, she nodded. "I think so too."

"That's the most important thing. It's never not work. Relationships, I mean. It was never going to be a fairy tale."

"You don't think it's odd, us staying married but living apart for now?" Edward asked.

"I think it's not up to anyone but you two what you need." Carlisle reached out, taking each of their hands. "Your mother and I agreed about..." He winced. "We agreed about so much. One of the things we both believed in was beautiful ideas. That's what every relationship is - a beautiful idea. Do what you need to do. Build a good foundation, and come back stronger."

"That's the plan," Bella said.

~0~

A few days after Bella moved into Charlie and Sue's house, they threw a welcome home type party. All her friends were invited, and Edward was too. Of course, that necessitated a retelling of the whole story as they'd spun it for Carlisle.

Bella's friends weren't as accepting as Carlisle, but that was to be expected. The saving grace of that situation was the innate etiquette of a social gathering. No one was going to make the atmosphere uncomfortable for everyone by asking awkward questions.

After lunch, Emmett challenged Edward to a one-on-one game of basketball. Bella recognized what was going on. It was a display of testosterone. Edward had to prove he was manly enough to earn Emmett's respect. Barbarism disguised as friendly competition. Boys being boys.

Bella wasn't worried about that. Edward could hold his own athletically. She knew he would prove to be an even-tempered good sport. And Emmett wasn't the type to hold grudges. Bella said she was happy. Once he saw that Edward wasn't an asshole, that would be that.

Rosalie was a harder nut to crack.

After she'd seen to it her kids were happily playing, she came to sit next to Bella on the porch, watching both of their men sweat it out. She didn't speak right away, which made Bella sigh.

"Say what you need to say, Rose."

Rosalie got right to the point. "I don't like this at all, Bella."

"Color me surprised."

"Well, what is there to like? Rather than tell us this six months ago, you chose to disappear off the face of the planet. Your best friends found out you were married through gossip. If it was all as innocent as you're saying it is, why wouldn't you have told us your plan back then?"

Bella rubbed her temples, thinking her answer through. "What did you want me to say? What would have happened if I'd called you up and said, hey Rose, I'm giving up my job, my apartment, my chance at getting into school for at least another year so I can get into a sham marriage? What would you have said?"

"That you were a lunatic." Rosalie crossed her arms and glared at Bella. "I would have wanted to know why you keep throwing away your chance at a real life."

"You see? That's why I didn't tell you." It was one of the reasons, anyway. The biggest reason. Bella didn't expect Rosalie to understand her logic now or then. "Why do you have to see the things I do as throwing my life away?"

"Because that's exactly what you do. Over and over that's what you do. You could have a better life."

"Isn't that what your mom told you about marrying Emmett?" Bella challenged. "You had an exciting career, lots of opportunities in a big city, and you gave it all up to have Emmett's children and live in this tiny town."

Rosalie frowned. "My children and my husband are well worth the sacrifice."

"And do you think I've regretted sacrificing what I have for the people in my life?" Bella shook her head. "Ask me if I regret it. Sue and Seth, Jacob and Billy, Esme. Ask me if I regret doing any of things things I've done."

Her friend eyed her. "Do you?"

"No. Never. I know sometimes you think of what might have been if you stayed in the job you were at when you met Emmett. Of course I have the same thoughts. What if? But at the end of the day, I'm always glad I made the decisions I did."

"You should regret it."

"Why? Because my life would have been so much better?" Bella turned in her seat so her body was angled toward Rosalie. "If I'd let Sue lose her home or let Billy deal with his son's alcoholism on top of his daughter's death, then what? Maybe I'd have a degree by now. But think of the things I would have missed."

"Like what? What was so great about your life here that you don't regret how much further along you would have been if you'd gotten your ass in college sooner?"

"You for one thing. You remember all those nights it was just us when Emmett was working overtime a few years back?"

Rosalie's expression shifted, a hint of uncertainty softening her features.

"You think I would trade our friendship? It was you and me when Allison was born, remember? She came so quick, Emmett didn't even have time to get to the hospital."

Rosalie's lips twitched. "I remember."

"So do you regret that? If life had gone the other way, if I'd been able to go to school when I originally wanted, none of that would have happened."

"You know what your friendship means to me. Of course I don't regret that, but you should have more. You deserve more." She shook her head. "Regardless. This takes the cake. You married this guy, Bella. You gave him total control over where you lived, what you did, all that."

"That's not what happened."

"Then why did you have to give up even your job?"

"Because the idea was to spend time with Esme. Don't downplay what she means... meant to me. That's another reason I don't regret the way my life went. If I was in school, I wouldn't have been able to devote all my time to Esme. Instead, we were able to say everything we needed to say to each other before she died. I got a mother back. I got a father back. They forgave me for what I did to their son and what I did to them, since I deserted them too. Even if Edward and I hadn't reconnected, it would have been worth it."

Bella reached out, impulsively taking Rosalie's hand. "Every time, I've made the choice I could live with. There's only ever been one choice in my life I regretted, and it... leveled me. I'm not going to be that stupid again. I'll never make another decision that would destroy my whole life."

Rosalie's lips twisted. She looked like she wanted to argue, but she seemed to think better of it. "So this is what you want now? An ex?"

"Yes." The word was resolute. Bella wasn't sure if it was a good idea, trying to be with Edward, but she knew with absolute certainty it wasn't the wrong idea. "But I'm being careful. I promise. That's why I moved out of his house. That's why we're figuring out our lives individually before we try to live happily ever after."

Rosalie still looked unhappy, but she wrapped Bella up in a tight hug. "You deserve the world. You deserve to take for once instead of giving everything. Just be careful, Bella, and remember we're all here if you need us." She pulled back and mussed Bella's hair playfully. "Even if we do think you're crazy, you're right. It is your life."

~0~

The guest-of-honor had disappeared.

Going home without Bella was the last thing Edward wanted to do, but he figured that part was inevitable. He'd been a good boy today. He'd kept his hands to himself and let her friends hog her attention. All he was asking for was a goodnight kiss before he left her for the evening.

When it was apparent she wasn't among the guests outside, Edward wandered into the house. There, he heard her before he saw her and came to a halt in the hallway outside the den.

"Leah..."

"Look, I know you and I haven't always gotten along, but we're civil to each other, right?" Leah, Bella's stepsister, sounded, as always, irritated. "I never told you... what you did for my mom and brother... that was amazing."

She rushed on before Bella could respond. "Mom told me you're looking for jobs in Seattle. That makes sense, obviously, since you want to go to school there too. You and I both know you need to get out of this stupid little town. There's nothing for you here. If you lived in Seattle, it would be easier to get a job, easier to interview, you know? Plus you can't tell me you won't want to be closer to your boyfriend.. husband... whatever the hell he is."

"Okay," Bella said, her voice ringing with confusion. "So what are you saying?"

"I have a big place. My asshole ex-husband was good enough to leave me the house we were supposed to raise our kids in." She huffed. "There's tons of room. I'm not home much, and you're not going to wreck the place. If you'll consider it, you can stay with me free of charge until you get on your feet."

Edward rested his forehead on the wall, silently pleading with Bella to accept her stepsister's offer. He understood why she was reluctant to let him help her, but this should be different. This should be no more than recompense.

"That's a very generous offer," Bella said, speaking each word slowly, her tone betraying her surprise. "It would be nice. I was wondering how I was going to pull off interviewing in Seattle when I live here."

Edward let out a breath. It wasn't an outright dismissal. He was so happy, he could have done a little jig. Deciding he'd already eavesdropped much more than he should have, he knocked on the wall, getting their attention before he stepped into the den. "Am I interrupting something?"

"No, we're done," Leah answered. "Let me know, Bella. Whenever you need."

"I will. Thank you."

Leah headed for the door. When she got to Edward, she fixed him with a look. "You owe me. Big."

Edward raised an eyebrow in feigned ignorance, but he knew what she meant. It was no small relief to him knowing Bella had an option to be nearer to him. It was, after all, easier to work on a relationship when the two parties were at least in the same city.

When Leah left, Edward stretched his hands out, grinning when Bella reached for him. He drew her arms around his body as he pulled her closer. She leaned against him, her chest to his, and he brushed her hair back out of her eyes when she tilted her head up.

At first, he only pecked at her lips, the gesture as light and playful as he could make it. But that only lasted for so long before Edward had to taste her. His mouth worked with hers, his hand spread over the small of her back, pressing her against him. It was a thorough kiss, long. Every intention he had of making their interaction easy that evening went straight out the window

Edward didn't want to admit it, but all night the feeling had been tugging at him. He was afraid to let her go, afraid if they pulled apart even this much, they would never come back together.

Right about then, the fear was crippling.

Bella kissed him back, letting him support her body with his arms. She clung to him, letting him possess her in body if only for those few moments. She slid her hands up from his shoulders to thread into his hair, holding his head to hers.

When their kiss broke, Bella made no move to let him go or step away. Her thumbs stroked the space behind his ears, a gentle smile playing at her lips. "You have me." Her words were quiet but strong, an affirmation. "I'm not going anywhere."

He hummed, dipping his head down to kiss her again once. "You'll be across town."

She snorted, looping her arms around his waist. "This is Forks. Across town is practically walking distance."

"That's still too far. " He gave her another kiss with pouting lips. "I'm going to miss you. I know that's probably a stupid thing to say, but it's true."

"It's not stupid." Raising a hand, she traced the outline of his eye with a single fingertip. "My name will always be Bella, my eyes will always be brown, and I will always love you." She echoed the same oath he'd whispered to her so many times so many years before.

Edward wasn't prepared for the sense of relief that flooded over him then. Having her there in his arms, he found he was able to reclaim the sweet memories of his past that had hurt to think of before. For so many years, he hadn't let himself remember the childhood she'd been such an intricate part of. Then and there, he let his memories overtake him.

Bella grinned at him - five years old and smug that she'd been able to climb the tree he'd insisted she couldn't.

The summer she was nine and he was eleven. They'd been riding their bikes on what was supposed to be a dry day, but the sky had opened up. They made it back to his house soaked to the bone and bedraggled. Esme had made them hot apple cider and took turns towel drying their hair after they'd changed into dry clothes.

Bella was thirteen and he was fifteen on Fourth of July, and they were lighting fireworks together. One caught her off guard, and when she jumped back, she grabbed his hand in surprise. She didn't let go as she stared at the shower of sparks. It was the first time Edward had wondered what it would be like to kiss her.

He remembered their first kiss. And their second. And their third.

Back in the present, he kissed her breathless.

Her hands were over his on her either side of her face, and they stared at each other for a long time before she spoke. "Remember this isn't goodbye, it's only goodnight."

His kiss was more gentle then, his anxiety calmed. "I never want to say goodbye to you again."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Gotta run. Late for work again. Many thanks to songster and I love all of you.


	21. Chapter 21

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: I decided to do with this what I did with The Boy At Table Seven update. Two shorter chapters instead of one long chapter. I hope you enjoy!

"Don't look now, but I think your husband and your ex-boyfriend are trying to impress you."

Bella smirked, watching the alpha male pissing contest. It was moving day. Edward, Emmett, and Jacob were doing their best to lift too many heavy things at the same time. Emmett was just being Emmett - the guy was strong, there wasn't any getting around that - but the other two were being morons.

"Don't look now, but it's not me Jacob is trying to impress," Bella said to her stepsister. She doubled over in laughter a second later at the absolutely horrified look on Leah's face. "It's you he's looking at, not me."

"That's... I've known Jacob his whole life. That's crazy."

Bella held her hands up. "Hey, I'm just saying it's not me he's looking at. That's all."

Leah looked in Jacob's direction. Sure enough, his grin broadened. She bared her teeth, miming a bite. Jacob laughed, shouldering a huge box and heading into the house.

"I think you'd be good for Jacob." Bella was mostly teasing.

"How do you figure that?"

"He needs someone who won't let him get away with anything.

"Oh, great." Leah rolled her eyes, but she glanced in Jacob's direction again. "So what do I get out of it?"

Bella frowned inwardly. Her tentative friendship with her moody stepsister was very new. She didn't want to push. Then again, Leah was a tough gal. Maybe being blunt was the way to go with her. "Come on, Leah. You'd enjoy a boy you could boss around."

Leah scowled, and Bella was about to apologize, but then she laughed. "Yeah, I guess you have a point."

"Hey, Hells Bells." Emmett ambled over to them. He took the water bottle Bella proffered and downed the whole thing before he spoke again. "Your husband is richer than Jesus, right?"

"Jesus was a penniless carpenter, Emmett. I'm pretty sure most of us are richer than Jesus."

"Hey. Smart ass. Answer the question."

Bella sighed and crossed her arms. "My boyfriend is not hurting for funds. No."

"Then why. In the ever loving fuck. Did your boyband-" he stopped to snicker at his own stupid joke, "-not just hire movers?"

Bella had to smile. "Two things. First, Edward correctly assumes I wish he didn't have as much money as he does. He knows it makes me feel like I don't bring enough to the table." She grimaced, but pushed on before Emmett could speak to that. "And second, he's trying to be more inclusive of my friends."

"What the hell? He wants to include us on manual labor."

"Look at it this way, Em. Now he owes you a favor he can't refuse."

Emmett's eyes lit up. "Ah. He put himself in our debt. I see." He rubbed his hands together and laughed like a cartoon villain. "Well, that's a weird way to get in everybody's good graces, but I'll take it."

~0~

Just about every muscle in Edward's body ached.

He wasn't so far out of shape, but it had been a strenuous day to say the least. But he and his father were settled in their new place - the house with the mother-in-law unit and the huge backyard - and they'd just unloaded the last box into Bella's new room in Leah's house.

Edward flopped down face first on Bella's bed with a groan of pure exhaustion. "Let me just lay here and die."

The bed dipped as Bella sat beside him. A second later he felt her hands on his shoulders. She began to knead, her thumbs moving in circles at the back of his neck. Edward groaned again, this time in a more welcome kind of pain. "You don't... you don't have to do that."

He regretted saying anything when the delicious pressure disappeared, but she rested her hand on his ass. "Take off your shirt."

Her voice was low, and he wondered if she was being purposefully seductive. His cock twitched in defiance of his wish to never move again. With a grunt, he pushed himself up on his knees. He caught her eye, holding her gaze for a moment before he pulled his shirt up and off. Her eyes flicked down, taking in his body for a long moment before she looked back at him. "Lay down."

A thrill of pure excitement raced down his spine, coiled in his belly. He swallowed past a tight knot in his throat, laying back down on his stomach. Her touch was electric. He wondered if she knew what she was doing to him.

The last month or so had been a practice in patience. They were in a strange place with unwritten rules. Taking it slow meant he could kiss her and hold her, but they never went too far. They saw each other frequently but not every day. They were giving each other space to figure out their lives while moving, step by step, toward each other.

Edward was finding it increasingly difficult to remember she was only his wife on paper. How strange it was. Her body was no secret to him, but it was still a mystery. More often than not when they were together, he found it hard not to act on what felt like the most natural thing in the world.

Right then, it physically ached not to be able to touch her. Her hands worked his skin, massaged out the kinks in his muscles. He knew her room was spacious, but it felt tiny, their body heat making the air incendiary. She consumed every sense he had. They both reeked from a day of hard labor, but rather than turning him off, it only heightened his desire, stoking a more primitive urge in him.

"You should let me do this for you." It wasn't an altruistic offer. He didn't remember what her bare back looked like, and he longed to touch her the way she was touching him. He could already imagine her soft, pliant skin under his fingers. He wanted to press his palm to the divot where her back met her ass. How often he'd felt that space when he kissed her, held her, but he'd never seen it.

"You worked hard today."

"So did you."

"I want this to be yours."

As they spoke, her hands worked down his back, following the trail of his spine about halfway before she branched out to his sides. Edward sucked in a breath, biting the inside of his cheek to try to calm his innate reaction. He was glad he was face down.

Still, it was only a matter of time before he couldn't hold back his moans of pleasure. The things she was doing to his body had to be a sin.

"I'm sweaty and dirty," he said.

"Yeah, I know. I should be grossed out." Her fingers dug into the small of his back, and his body jolted, instinctively flinching away from her touch. Just as he began to relax again, she leaned down so her clothes brushed his. "You're getting your stink all over my bed." She leaned down again, her voice only barely above a whisper near his ear. "When I go to sleep tonight, it'll be like you're here with me."

Edward's breath caught.

It couldn't have been an accident that her hands slid down to his hips, her thumbs pressed down on his ass.

There was just enough space between her body and his that he could roll over onto his back. They must have been on the same page because she straddled him instantly, leaning down to catch his lips in a feverish kiss. His mouth opened for her tongue, and his hands went to her waist.

"I want you," he murmured between kisses.

"You have me." They were the same words she'd said before. She'd said them over and over again, in fact, as they navigated their complex and befuddling relationship. But this was different. The nuance changed their meaning.

And she was grinding against him, right where he wanted her.

Edward felt briefly dizzy. He was still for only a moment before he tugged on her shirt. She raised her hands above her head, letting him pull it off her.

His hands back at her waist stilled her so he could look, really look.

She was magnificent. Gorgeous. He told her so, and she blushed. The flush of her cheeks sent a wave of adoration through him. It was clear now that she'd seduced him on purpose, and yet there was a hint of the shy girl she'd been once upon a time. Past and present finally converging into one cohesive piece.

Ignoring the ache in his body, Edward sat up. He wrapped his arms around her, his lips pressed to hers in a slow, building kind of kiss. Only when he'd had his fill of the sweetness of her mouth did he stop. He only moved an inch or so away, taking her head between his hands and looking her in the eye.

"I need you to understand something." How his voice could be so steady when she was hot on his lap, her hands tucked into the waistband of his jeans, touching his ass, he couldn't say, but he managed it. "I'm in love with you, Bella. I want to make love to you."

He rolled them, reveling in her gasp as he held himself over her now. He dipped his head, kissing her even as he bucked his hips against hers, letting her feel just how much he wanted her. "Tell me you want this."

"I want you." Her fingers dragged down from his chest to his jeans. Her fingers worked the button and the zipper even as she pleaded. "Please, Edward."

He took her lips again, propping himself up on one arm as his hand found her spread legs. She wiggled beneath him even as she kissed him back. They rolled back and forth, hands wrestling with fabric and each others bodies until they'd both managed to get their pants off.

As often as Edward had imagined this exact scene over the last few months, he never could have guessed it would play out like this. They were dirty and tired. Yet somehow, it was perfect because of the lack of preparation. Natural.

Again, like when she'd been standing at the window of the home he now owned, Edward caught a glimpse of the future. He could have her just like this, with total acceptance. They could make love when they were dirty, when they were tired. He imagined waking her with his fingers inside her so they could make love with morning breath kisses while they were both still half asleep.

For a second, he let himself imagine they were tired and sore because she'd moved into his house today.

To that point, Edward had been taking his time. He'd been caressing, exploring her body with his fingertips, his mouth, his tongue. He'd nipped at her neck and tasted the salt of her skin. But when he thought of the future, of making their marriage real, he couldn't go slow.

Sex between them was just another means of conversation.

Their first time had been intense and incredible. It was the accumulation of years of build up. He'd touched her before, tasted her, but it was so different to be part of her. They were new to sex and clumsy, but it was good. Regardless of Bella's plans for the next day, that one night was only about what they felt for each other. Their love was true and moving. Every touch, every kiss, every stroke of his body inside hers was a whispered "I love you."

The next time they were together, after his mother's death, Edward was trying to feel anything other than the crushing grief. He wanted to lose himself in something life affirming, and what was better than sex? But what he'd failed to think about was what was left unsaid - and too much that shouldn't have been said - between him and Bella. Their bodies spoke even when they themselves didn't have any words. The love was still there between them, intense as ever, but it was mixed with emotions that were just as strong. Their anger, their hurt, all their issues lay with them, between them, as they moved together.

One by one, they'd dealt with all their issues. The last few months had been a reeducation of each other, finding where they were individual and where they overlapped. Edward knew this woman in his arms. He knew the feel of her kisses, knew her hopes and dreams. He knew her lowest points and her highest, had seen and accepted her faults and her virtues just as she'd accepted his.

When he was inside her, Edward felt a deep sense of rightness settle in him. That he was meant to, made to, love this woman had been his lament for years. Now it was his joy, his ecstasy. Edward imagined few things on the planet could compare to the way he felt when she sighed his name, her voice a breath near his ear. For one word, he heard everything her body was telling him. She was in love with him and he with her. What they shared might have been bent, but it was never broken. They were stronger now, their scars making them only more beautiful to each other and together.

"Oh, God, Edward. Oh, God."

"Bella. Bella, Bella, Bella."

He opened his eyes to find her looking back at him, and he was lost. He was gone. He was hers. And she was his. Their last broken piece fused as they tumbled together into orgasm.

When he had his wits about him again, Edward shifted only enough so most of his weight was off her. He rested his head on her chest, catching his breath. She held one of his hands in hers, twining the fingers of her other hand through his hair. A deep peace settled over Edward then.

They were exactly in the right place. So much of their journey lay in front of them, and that was okay. That was perfect. She was walking beside him now, and that made all the difference.

Unlike the last two times they were together, there was no finality to their lovemaking. They had time now. They were still young and very much in love. There were millions of ways to express love, and Edward was content with the idea he had time to find them all.

"We should shower," Bella said around a yawn.

Edward grunted. "Don't wanna. I'm comfortable." He was half asleep with his head pillowed on her breast, his arm draped over her waist.

"We stink. We should shower or we're going to wake up gross."

Reluctantly, Edward raised his head to look at her.

She was beautiful, her nude form perfect beneath his hand. He licked his lips, imagining pressing her palms to the cool tile of the shower so he could watch the water course down the line of her back before he took her again. He kissed the underside of her chin. "Give me a few minutes to recoup. Then we can shower."

"Egotistical much?" She kissed him, her smile playful. "What if I just want to get clean?"

"If you want to get clean, you shouldn't have invited me."

"Who says I want you?"

Edward narrowed his eyes. Rather than answer, he kissed her. It was a hard kiss, demanding. He closed his hand over her breast, rolling her nippled between his fingers so she gasped into his mouth.

When she began to grab at him, her body arching up under his, Edward pulled back. She blinked, her lips still parted in mid-kiss. Her pupils were dilated. "Okay," she said between pants. "You've made a compelling case. I suppose we could do it in the shower."

He snorted and kissed her again, sweetly this time. It felt good to play these lovers' games with her. It felt good to be at ease with her.

"I love you," she said, kissing him back. They were nose to nose, lips to lips.

He grinned, happier than he'd been in a long, long time. "As I love you."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: One more chap and an epilogue. I mean it this time.
> 
> Thanks to songster and barburella. MWAH.
> 
> How goes it, folks? Thoughts?


	22. Chapter 22

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: MWAH, duckies. Mwah.

"You get away from me," Bella snapped. "Don't touch me."

Edward held his hands up, taking several steps back from his wife and rubbing the back of his neck. Rosalie stepped forward, pushing him away. "You should take a walk." Her tone made it clear it was not a suggestion.

"Rosalie-"

"I have her. Go."

Edward growled, but he went. He didn't make it far. He sunk down in the first chair he came to, his elbows on his knees and his head in his hands.

His mother told him once, "Let me dispel one of society's biggest myths for you here and now. There is nothing sacred about marriage. There's plenty good about it. Divine, even, but nothing magical. It is a beautiful union between two people, but there is the rub. Those people are no less human than before they entered into that union."

She'd taken his hands and squeezed them, her expression wistful. "I think we all fall in love several times in our lives. Maybe it's with a job, a hobby. Or maybe you will love many people in your life. Love is like that. Its definitions are endless and its possibilities are limitless. Don't let anyone tell you differently.

"When you marry, if you are very lucky and work hard, you will fall in love with the same person over and over again. Time will change you. Time will change her. Time will change your love. It may happen that there will come a time your beautiful union isn't so beautiful anymore. There's nothing wrong with that, no shame, but if there's any beauty left, any chance that you want to keep your lives entwined, you put all you have into it. Fight. And that goes for more than marriage. Fight for anything you love, anything that can be good in your life."

So Edward had fought. He and Bella had both fought.

And they'd won.

Like everything in life, the road was far from smooth. They tried to be careful. They tried to be mindful of the lives they were building apart as well as separately.

After they moved to Seattle, things were good for a time.

It was Edward who'd remembered something that had slipped Bella's mind. Financial aid was granted based on the tax year previous, not the current time period. She was still eligible for the financial aid for the Spring semester. With Edward's encouragement, she talked to the dean at UDub and was granted late admission for the Spring semester.

Edward was still drifting.

It was, he thought, karma coming back to bite him in the ass. When his every thought about Bella was colored with rancor, Edward was disdainful of how long it had taken her to get her act together. But like Bella when she was eighteen, when it finally sunk in to him that the life he'd planned was not the life he wanted, Edward was at a loss.

What on earth did he want to do with the rest of his life? What would make him happy? And he knew how much happiness a good profession could bring. He'd watched every time his father came home after being at the hospital a solid day. Carlisle would look wrecked, utterly exhausted from too much time on his feet and too many lives in his hands. But there was this look in his eyes, a deep-seated satisfaction that permeated every aspect of his being. He walked taller because of it. Esme was the same about her job.

Edward had always wanted that. When he and Bella were young, they'd both had a pie in the sky vision of the people they wanted to be. She'd seen herself as a successful scientist, the kind who would change the world with her endlessly fascinating experiments. He saw himself rocking a power suit, oozing charisma and success.

Actually, Edward's vision had proved correct, but not in a remotely satisfying way. There was no soul to the world of business.

Which left the question - where did his soul lie?

So far, he'd distracted himself with charity work. When he was furious at what his mother had to suffer, the indignities of her disease, she'd patted his hand. "I'm so lucky, Edward. I have the best possible care and a loving family. This is natural, and nature is not always forgiving. There are so many others who don't have the comforts I have."

So while he wondered what he was going to do with his life, he'd started to put together a foundation aimed at helping people without insurance or support. It was a huge undertaking, but he had both the money and the business sense to pull it off.

"Your mother would be proud of you," Carlisle told him often.

Edward sighed as he thought back. He glanced at his watch, noticing it was damn close to midnight. How fitting.

It was nearly a year to the day that his mother had died. There was a memorial planned, but it looked like Edward and Bella weren't going to be there. Somehow, though, he didn't think his mother would mind in this particular case.

"Mr. Cullen?"

Edward was on his feet in a heartbeat. "Is my wife okay?"

The nurse smiled. "Just fine, as things go. She's forgiven you. She wants you back." She patted his shoulder. "Don't worry. I think she'll keep you this time, Daddy. We're getting down to the bottom of the ninth."

Eager to get back to Bella, Edward all but sprinted down the hospital hallway.

Rosalie stood up from her place by Bella's side, grudgingly making room for Edward to take her place. She made some noise about going to the cafeteria, but Edward hardly heard her.

"Edward." Bella sounded relieved as she reached her hand out for him. "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry, Edward."

"Shh, shh, sweetheart." He took her hand in both his.

"I just got really pissed off for a second. But I need you. I need you here."

"I'm right here. I'm not going anywhere. I promise." He stroked a damp strand of hair away from her face. "Okay?"

Bella sniffled, calming. She turned her face into his palm. "Okay."

Edward bent down, pressing a long kiss to her forehead before he sat down in his rightful spot. He kept one of his hands wrapped around hers and rested the other over the, as of late, ginormous bulge of her belly. "How's our baby?"

"Better now that she heard the doctor say I could have the epidural."

"Thank God."

"That's what we said." She sighed, pressing her hand over his against her swollen stomach. "I'm worried."

"There's nothing to worry about."

"She's early."

"The doctor said she's fine. They know what to look for, Bella."

She pressed her lips together, obviously not buying what he was selling just yet. "It's my fault."

"Bella."

"No. Remember? When we found out about her, all I could think of was how it would interfere with school. Again." She banged her head back against her pillow. "Life doesn't want me to get through school. Remember? It seemed like the worst thing in the world?"

"Bella. Sweetheart, she's fine. She's going to be just fine." He stroked her cheek gently. "You remember what tomorrow is, right?"

"Of course."

"I don't think it's a coincidence. Maybe it's Mom, giving you this gift. School starts in two weeks, right? You can go this way. Have you thought about that?"

"I don't care. I don't care anymore. I just want our baby to be okay." Her voice cracked, and Edward's heart twisted.

She was tired. She'd been in pain a long time. Edward would have done anything to help her. He felt helpless, and he wasn't good with helpless.

But he could be strong for her. He could be strong for Bella and their daughter.

Before he could comfort her, Bella gasped. She grabbed his hand, squeezing hard as a strong contraction hit her. "Breathe. Just breathe. I'm right here." He watched the monitor, rubbing her back with his free hand. "Almost done, Bella. You're almost done with this one."

The contraction eased, and Bella sagged against him.

"The anesthesiologist should be here any minute," the nurse assured her. "I'll go check to see where she is."

Edward adjusted his arm around his wife, holding her close. He kissed the side of her head. "I'm so proud of you, Bella. I love you so much."

"I love you too."

He rested his forehead against hers, putting his hand back against her belly. Their baby was almost here. It had been a crazy ride the last five months.

Well, really, it had been a crazy nine years. Edward had no idea how it had happened. How had he ended up with everything he wanted when he was eighteen years old? Oh, sure. The meaningful employment was in flux, but somehow, he'd managed to cobble together everything else.

He was married to the woman he'd loved since they were children. They were head over heels in love, even after all this time, especially after all this time.

When they were teenagers, they thought their late twenties was a great time to start a family. Twenty-seven. It gave them time to get ahead in their careers and still be young parents.

Their new life came with many readjustments. At twenty-seven and twenty-eight, they were rebuilding their relationship. They were happy and getting stronger, but they weren't even talking about making their marriage real before the baby surprised them.

Bella had been on the pill. Either they fell in the 1% or maybe she hadn't taken them right. One way or another, she'd been busy with school when she fainted dead away on campus. Far from over his mother's death, Edward had panicked and made her go to the doctor. They found out there was nothing wrong with Bella except a four month old bun in her oven due two weeks into the fall semester.

It changed everything, of course. Bella moved into his house, their house, and suddenly there was a baby to plan for along with the rest of their lives.

They were happy, cautiously ecstatic, even. It was all out of order but they were starting to get used to the idea John Lennon was right: Life was what happened when you were busy making other plans.

Edward cleared his throat. "Hey. I have something for you." Reaching into his pocket, he took out her engagement ring. Bella gave a little huff of a laugh, and Edward looked at her with a sheepish smile. "Hey, we're so out of order here, we might as well do it up good and proper." His smile gentled then as he took her hands. "Bella Cullen. Mother of my baby. Love of my life. Will you marry me. Really marry me?"

She laughed again, but it was a giddy kind of sound rather than a derisive one. "Yeah. Yes. I will."

Edward's grin was so wide, his cheeks hurt. He slid the ring on her finger, and brought her hand to his lips to kiss it. He wanted more. He wanted a ceremony. Not a traditional ceremony - that seemed wrong without his mother - but one in front of her friends, where everyone could see how happy they were.

But for now, he was glad she was finally wearing his ring with all the sentiment that was rightly attached to such a thing.

Another doctor appeared in the door then, her smile wide. "Candyman's here."

"Oh, good. I'm jonesing over here."

The woman nodded. "Well, let's talk about what I've got for you, Mrs. Cullen."

~0~

Bella was spent, completely drained of energy. And sore. Jesus Christ, she'd never been so sore. Moving was uncomfortable to say the least.

A soft mewling sound drew her out of her drowsy state. She smiled, turning her head toward the sound. She opened her eyes and her heart seized at the beautiful sight in front of her.

Her husband held their brand new daughter in his arms. He was staring at her with awe, the goofiest smile on his face as he counted her miniscule fingers for what was probably the hundredth time.

She was tired, sore... and completely over the moon. Despite her worries that she was four weeks early, her daughter was fine, healthy. Just over five pounds but healthy. And impossibly precious.

Born one year almost to the minute her grandmother had died.

Bella remembered what Edward had said when he hoped, despite the uncertainty of their relationship, that their frenzied, life affirming night together had sparked another life. They did love each other. No matter what else existed between them, that baby would have been conceived in love.

Though just a few months had passed between that potential child and this realized one - what a difference. They weren't ready - though who was ever truly ready for parenthood - but she was conceived only in love, without all anger and hurt that surrounded them for so long.

It was still, as Edward had said, one life beginning as another ended.

Their baby would not be here, neither of them would be here, if it wasn't for Esme. Her death had bought them a second chance at a life neither of them had fought hard enough for.

The baby squalled, ignoring her father's shushes.

"She's probably hungry." Her voice was scratchy with sleep. She winced as she sat up.

Edward raised his head, his grin widening. "No, I don't think so. We're just talking." He looked back down at the baby. "Aren't we, baby girl? You want to talk to your daddy, don't you?"

He was ridiculous. And adorable.

And hers.

This was hers. They were hers.

Bella's heart felt far too big to be contained by her chest right then.

Before she could speak, there was a noise at the door. "Hey," came a soft voice.

Bella and Edward both looked up to see Carlisle, Alice, and Jasper in the doorway. They peered in cautiously, but when they saw everyone was awake, they all came in.

"We got here as quick as we could," Carlisle said. His eyes were riveted on the bundle in his son's arms.

Edward rose. "She got the jump on us." He looked to his father. "Do you want to hold her?"

Carlisle's eyes brightened. He didn't answer, but he reached for the baby. Bella watched as Edward laid her in his arms. She watched her father-in-law's lips quiver as he looked over his first grandchild.

It was a bittersweet moment. Bella's heart ached. She wished with everything in her that Esme was there with them. She could picture perfectly the joyous way she would smile. She felt a pang of guilt. If only she had...

But no.

She was done with if onlys. She had a good life, and she wouldn't trade it for the world. Not even for whatever her life would have been if she hadn't broken Edward's heart and her own.

There was no such thing as a life without troubles, sorrow, and regret, after all.

"We named her Mae," Bella said. "Mae Serena Cullen."

Carlisle looked at her with shining eyes. His lips turned up in a smile, and his breath shook as he inhaled. "That's perfect." He raised the baby up to him so he could press a soft kiss to her forehead. "Welcome to the world, little one. I'm so happy to meet you."

Alice and Jasper slipped past Carlisle. Jasper offered Edward a congratulatory handshake and back slap while Alice gave Bella a hug.

Things were better between them, particularly since Alice had gotten back from Milan two months prior. Alice was a lot calmer. She'd found peace in the idea her mother would have wanted her to live a life without tethers, and since Edward was a pretty happy camper these days, she had no reason to be angry with Bella. They weren't friends yet, but it was on the horizon.

After Jasper had kissed her cheek and congratulated her, they all shifted. Alice and Jasper crowded around Carlisle and the baby. Edward migrated back to Bella's side. He took her hand and kissed her once, a soft, sweet, reverent kiss, and when he looked her in the eye, he was beaming. She was sure she was smiling back with the same huge grin.

He tilted his head against hers, sighing softly as he closed his eyes.

What an odd, surreal ride it had been getting here.

It struck Bella then that life wasn't meant to be figured out. Every time she tried, she failed miserably. Maybe what she needn't wasn't a plan but perspective.

Maybe she wasn't a college graduate, but she was a good daughter, a good friend.

Maybe she was staring twenty-eight in the face with a resume that labeled her as a short order cook, but she was also a wife and now a mother.

Maybe she'd stumbled getting there, but she had a beautiful daughter, a doting father-in-law, a second family, and a husband who was a true partner in life.

Turning her head, Bella caught Edward's lips in a kiss. "I love you," she whispered.

Edward grinned at her, a totally different man than the one who had knocked on her apartment door one year and some months before. Taking her hand, he rubbed his thumb over her ring. "Always," he promised.

And he sealed his promise with a kiss.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: I think they're going to be okay, folks! Poor Bella. She never gets to school. Hah. We'll catch up with them in the epilogue.
> 
> Thanks to barburella and songster.
> 
> Hey, kids. What do you think?


	23. Epilogue

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Whoa. Comic Con was Ah may zing. Like whoa. It was such a great time. I did miss writing though. Hah. Well... let's get to it, yeah?

In the wake of Esme's death, her loved ones lost, but they all gained. Edward and Bella found each other again. Alice found freedom. They all gained purpose. Bittersweet as it was, their lives were changed for the better.

Except Carlisle.

He had plenty of good days. As he'd predicted, Carlisle found peace and a sense of purpose in his day to day life at the hospital. He'd always been good at what he did. He had Edward, Bella, and Mae with him every day. Alice was finding her way in the world, and her success brought him satisfaction.

Still, an essential part of him was missing. Some days, it was as though Carlisle had died when Esme had, and his body was just waiting to catch up.

On those darkest days, Carlisle would most often sit in his favorite chair facing the backyard. Bella never asked, but she thought he might be imagining Esme out there, tending to their fledgling garden. Edward and Bella tried, but Esme would have made the space a verdant wonderland. He would stare for hours ignoring everyone. Edward and Bella couldn't reach him.

When he got in those moods and Mae found him in his chair, she would take his hands and tug. "Play with me, Grandpa. Play with me."

Carlisle would always resist at first. Bella understood depression and the way it seeped energy from the marrow of your bones. But Mae was a stubborn girl. She was gentle but insistent. She never failed to get her grandfather up and out of his chair to play. If anyone could make him smile again, it was her.

Mae was nothing short of a miracle in so many ways. She was the physical embodiment that something beautiful could come out of a love that had gotten as twisted as Bella and Edward's had. Oh, they could have had wonderful lives without each other, but that wasn't the hand fate had dealt. Four years after Esme's death, they were stronger than ever - head over heels in love with each other and in love with their little girl.

Looking at her baby with her grandmother's eyes and her endless capacity for love, Bella couldn't help but wonder if Esme had sent her as a gift to them all. It was learning Mae was on the way that gave Edward and Bella that final push. Bella moved in with Edward and accepted his help with school. Aching with the realization that his daughter would never know his mother, Edward decided he'd found his calling in the organization he'd founded. He wanted to help give people a second chance to raise their families and be with their loved ones.

And, of course, there was the comfort Mae brought Carlisle.

Mae's tiny girl giggles wafted up from the lawn below. Bella smiled as she watched her daughter dart back and forth across the grass, zigzagging to avoid Charlie and Carlisle as they chased her. She squealed as Carlisle caught up and lifted her high in the air. His grin was wide as he drew her close and pressed a big smooch to her cheek. Still tittering, Mae wound her skinny arms around his neck.

It was good to see Carlisle looking so light and happy. The anniversary of Esme's death could have been such a bad day. But for the third year, the day was instead filled with family, friends, and a grinning birthday girl covered in cake.

Bella was startled out of her thoughts when arms wrapped around her waist from behind. She smiled and relaxed, pressing her back against Edward's chest. He nuzzled her hair with the tip of his nose, winding their fingers together.

"I think I might be psychic," he said, his voice a rumble near her ear. Bella shivered at the vibration it sent through her bloodstream.

"What makes you think so?" She tilted her head up so her cheek rubbed along his. She loved the feel of his stubble against her skin.

"You remember when we were looking at this house?"

She chuckled. Life had looked so different there - hopeful but one big question mark for each of them. "I remember."

"You were standing here, looking out the window just like this." As he spoke, he brushed her hair over her shoulder and began to press kisses along the line of her face. "And I saw a vision clear as day. I saw you here in _our_ room, watching our children play on the lawn."

Bella sighed, tilting her head to the side so he could nip her neck. "Children? We only have the one."

"Well, I wanted to talk to you about that." His hands had been brushing along her sides, but he brought them around, cupping both his palms over her belly. "You've graduated, started a job..."

"I _just_ started at my job." She had a feeling she knew where he was going.

He hummed against the skin of her cheek. "But if we were to begin to think about giving Mae a sibling. Just start thinking about it. It could be months before you were pregnant. And then they do take nine months to bake."

Bella sighed and turned in his arms. She wound her arms around his neck.

When they were young and first in love, they'd talked about children. Five kids were part of their original, airtight plan for life.

They would have to talk about it to see if they were on the same page, but Bella was fine with the idea of two. And she had been thinking it would be nice to give Mae a sibling when there was still only a small age gap between them.

Bella took Edward's face in her hands. She took a moment to appreciate the love in his eyes, the easy set of his smile, and she kissed him soundly. "We should think about it."

His smile could have lit the room.

"But first, we should go pay attention to the child we have."

He nodded. "Alice and Jasper will be here in an hour. Jasper already warned me their back seat is full of gifts."

Bella groaned. "And she already has a mountain of presents from everyone else. It's going to take us an hour just to peel her off the ceiling tonight after all the excitement."

Edward leaned in, kissing her once more and stroking her cheek. "I love you, you know."

"I love you, too. Always."

**_~0~_ **

That night, when Mae finally passed out, she was in her grandfather's arms. Edward followed Carlisle up to Mae's room and watched as he tucked her in bed. When he didn't make a move to leave immediately, Edward went to his father's side.

For long moments, neither of them spoke. There was a strange look in Carlisle's eyes as he carefully wrapped one of Mae's caramel colored curls around his finger.

When he finally did speak, his voice was soft and far away. "In a moment of selfish weakness, I asked your mother how I was supposed to live without her. It was painful even to imagine. It still is. Thinking about all the years I have left without her..."

Edward was startled. Carlisle could rarely be coaxed to talk about Esme at all, let alone her death. He put his hand to his father's shoulder, simply lending him a comforting presence.

Carlisle sighed. "She told me, 'Living is a choice. You choose to embrace it. Pain and all. And you have a lot to live for.'" He shook his head. "Maybe it makes me a bad father-"

"Dad. No."

"-but I just didn't see it. I couldn't see how life was worth living, even for you and Alice. There is such a thing as dying of a broken heart. For a long time, I was... angry it didn't happen to me."

He brushed his fingertips down Mae's cheek before he looked up at Edward. "Your mother was right. It's a choice, isn't it? A daily choice. You breathe through the pain because there's so much worth living for." He reached forward, squeezing Edward's arm. "I'm glad I'm still here."

Edward didn't know what to do except hug his father. "I'm glad too, Dad."

A few minutes later, after he'd wished his father a good night, he paused outside the master bedroom door, collecting his thoughts.

He thought about the choice to finally breathe through the pain of what Bella had done to him once upon a time. He thought about Bella's choice to forgive him for every vile, nasty thing he'd said and done in his anger. He thought about their choice to unravel the complicated mess that was their past and present so they could have a future together.

He thought about how he chose to live after eight years of only surviving.

Edward closed his eyes and whispered a quiet thanks to his mother. She was his conscience, the voice in his head that drove him to better his life, to choose love instead of apathy. She was the one who'd taught him how to love and how to fight for what he wanted. She was the one who'd taught him how to forgive and how to beg for forgiveness.

His heart ached, and he hoped she could see him now, see how happy he was.

And then he pushed the door open, returning to his wife, and hoped he would love her this way, as deeply as Carlisle loved Esme, for the rest of his life. Hell or high water, joy or pain for as long as they both should live and longer.

**_~The End~_ **

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Phew! Now that was an adventure. Picking up a story that's already been started isn't the easiest thing out there, but what a great experience. Thanks to GinnyW and sshg316 for letting me run with it. Thanks to all of you who seemed to enjoy the journey. I know I did.
> 
> What's next? Well, I have Suddenly to finish, and I am thinking about extending All I Have to Give... definitely hate the idea that James would "win", eh?
> 
> And, of course, I'm continuing writing Ofics. My first novella is available on Amazon for all those interested. It's called Duplicity by Kristina M. Sanchez (that's me!).
> 
> But, for now, many kisses. I hope you enjoyed this peek into their lives.


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